Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I think this may be the end..

(14 Posts)
LucyBabs Wed 21-Oct-15 00:04:07

I have been with my dp for ten years we have two dc and although our relationship has been through a lot of bad times I have always thought we'd make it.

I was sexually abused as a child so I've never found relationships easy. My dp has been patient and understanding. He is human though and has found it hard.

At the beginning it felt he was more into me than I was him. He did everything he could to make our relationship happy I have to admit I took advantage of this and took him for granted.

When I had our youngest dc I had PND. Dp did nothing to help, I know he tried in his own way but I felt so let down by him. I was basically left to pick up the pieces myself.
This put a huge strain on our relationship and we split up two years ago.
We've been living apart since.
We are now back together and although it's been tough I thought we were working through things.
I am seeing a therapist and we will attend counselling together in the near future.

Since the summer dp has been distant. He seems to push me away.
He's usually affectionate, sits close to me and is always willing to kiss and hug.
I find affection difficult sometimes so I'm sure he feels rejected when I have pulled away.

I have asked him many times over the last few months why he is distant. He has said he wants us to work but feels we're going round in circles.

Since the weekend he's not been himself and tonight said he needs to talk to me about how he's feeling.

This is the first time I have felt insecure in our relationship.

I just feel what's coming is him saying he can't do this anymore and its going to be the end sad
I'm sure years of him feeling rejected has turned him off me!

It's not what I want..

I'm not sure if I'm asking anything here really. Jus feel so sad tonight

timelytess Wed 21-Oct-15 00:09:11

flowers

stoppingbywoods Wed 21-Oct-15 00:10:34

flowers OP, that sounds difficult but also potentially a positive thing. He's not burying his head in the sand. He's talking and even giving you notice of needing to talk. That's all very mature and positive and bodes well for how he might receive mature and positive suggestions from your side (during the talk).

I wouldn't start flagellating yourself about the way you've acted towards him. You've had a rotten start in life and you've done the best you can. I'm sure there are oodles of ways that you were a dream girlfriend. Try and remember that whatever you did wrong, it's also fair to punish yourself about it if you're also prepared to feel very smug and gloaty about all the thing you got right!

I hope he hasn't made his mind up. I'm sorry I can't say more. But I hope he hasn't. PM me anytime, I know a thing or two about this kind of situation.

LucyBabs Wed 21-Oct-15 00:10:36

Sorry for double thread post..I was denied access and then two threads appeared!

LucyBabs Wed 21-Oct-15 00:11:18

Sorry for double thread post..I was denied access and then two threads appeared!

Destinysdaughter Wed 21-Oct-15 00:13:11

So sorry you are feeling sad. It's hard when you've gone through what you have to trust and feel close to a man again. At the moment you dont know what he is going to say, it must be difficult for him to feel rejected if you pull away, even though he knows what you've experienced. Whenever I've told partners about what's happened to me, ive never found the understanding I was looking for .

I dont know what else to say to your right now , just wanted to let you know youre not alone and I hope this thread helps you get through things and that there are some wise people on here to help you...

RedMapleLeaf Wed 21-Oct-15 07:13:24

I think you need to accept that breaking up would be very sad and difficult for quite some time. You can't avoid that. However you also need to remember that you can manage this, and everything will be ok in the end.

LucyBabs Wed 21-Oct-15 17:36:24

Thanks timely stopping destinys and redmaple

I spoke with my dp earlier today and its what I feared sad

He's had enough, said he "can't be in relationship that there's no affection"
"We're best friends but its not working when we barely have a physical relationship".

I totally understand why he feels like that, I suppose it's just gotten too much for him.
He's always been so patient and gets why I am the way I am.

I am seeking help but even if I gradually deal with my past, I think its too late.. He has fallen out of love with me..

This is the first time I have felt so alone since we met.
My parents died within four months of each other almost 3 years ago and I'm now no contact with my siblings (because they are shits)
I can't imagine my life without him but I want him to be happy.
I just wish it was me who could make him happy sad

RedMapleLeaf Wed 21-Oct-15 22:24:37

You need to accept that he knows best what will make him happy, and if you love him you will let him go and be happy.

And I know that this will be the last thing you want to hear, and perhaps you won't even believe me, but honestly this is the start of a new, exciting chapter and things are going to get better for you.

In the meantime, accept the sadness and live through it. flowers

LucyBabs Fri 23-Oct-15 10:41:33

Thanks redmaple

It was my dds Birthday yesterday so I had to put a happy face on.
Dp was in great form, I couldn't understand it. He wears his heart on his sleeve, there's no way he was putting on act on for the dc. It's likely he feels relief that it's out in the open now.

I'm heartbroken sad
Dp thinks we can carry on doing family things together. He said we're best friends so why not..
My head is a mess!

Smorgasboard Fri 23-Oct-15 11:33:30

It's good that you are seeking help, but I wonder why you are just at the seeking stage 10 years on? You say he has been patient, too patient maybe, it sounds like this help should of been sought years ago.
Also, you have never felt so insecure and yet you have already split up 2 years ago?
You are used to him being affectionate and, now he is not, you know things are different from his side. You have rejected his affections over the years, yet now its not there, you want it. You are going to come to understand what you have lost in time, it's all part of coming out of the rut you were in. Sometimes too much support from one person can have the negative effect of delaying professional help.
Make sure you don't get stuck in the seeking phase, you need to be pro-active now. Get the objective help you need, he may feel reassured by this, but do it for you and your own future, not in an attempt to win him back.

summerwinterton Fri 23-Oct-15 12:05:42

I would not agree to doing family things together - that is not fair on you at all.

LucyBabs Fri 23-Oct-15 12:32:17

Smorgasbord I have always wanted to get professional help. I have tried many times over the years but each time I have started speaking to someone, I haven't been able to work through what happened to me. I admit I have buried my head and hoped I could deal with the abuse by myself.

I have found a great therapist this time and I now think I can progress.
I want to do it for myself not to win back my dp.

I finished the relationship two years ago. I had PND and he didn't cope very well and didn't support me. It caused a lot of bad feeling between us.

In the last 18 months (I thought) We were working through it..

I don't blame my dp for feeling as he does, he has been amazing and very patient.

RedMapleLeaf Fri 23-Oct-15 17:55:33

I know it's confusing that he seems so happy, but that's because he's been getting used to the idea for a lot longer than you. It's ok for you to be hurting and confused because this is still a new situation from your perspective.

Where I do think he's misguided is continuing playing happy families. Perhaps one day this will be possible but for now the sooner you have separated your lives the better. Of course, today may not be the day you are ready to accept this.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now