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How do you move on from someone when you're forced to see them all the time?

(24 Posts)
marzipanmaggie Tue 20-Oct-15 23:25:31

I'm really struggling with this, so forgive me for not putting in more details but I'm super super paranoid about outing myself and can't take the risk.

I have been in a situation with someone who I can't be with for multiple cast iron reasons. Really really want to put this behind me but can't. I see this person all the time and this is totallly unavoidable. I want to wake up and have him disappear from my life but this isn't going to happen.

I can't even talk to him about it to find out what he thinks about the situation and get any "closure" on it as the risks to me associated with this are too great.

It's really eating away at me, making me miserable and turning me into someone I didn't used to be.

Has anyone who has been through a situation where you like someone, can't be with them but can't move on due to enforced proximity? How long does it take for it to stop being an issue? Is there anything -- other than avoiding him and biding my time, which I can do to accelerate this?

Ledkr Tue 20-Oct-15 23:55:27

Yes, I worked with my ex and found IT extremely hard to get over him.
I hated seeing him and hearing about his life without me and spent ridicukous amounts if time getting ready to go to work wgen he was there.
I'm not sure what changed for me to move on (maybe a new man) but it was very hard.
Can u get away at all?

marzipanmaggie Wed 21-Oct-15 00:10:35

Ledkr no, I can't get away. Not without significant financial and emotional upheaval and risk. Think the only thing may be to force myself to date other people. Which I don't really want to do and don't feel ready for. And before someone comes along to tell me to try being on my own I fine on my own and would be quite happy to do this and have spent large chunks of my life willingly alone. It's just that I can't get this bloody man out of my head.

Ledkr Wed 21-Oct-15 07:08:04

How about some sort of counselling?
Cbt maybe available free on NHs?
Other then that it's just time.
Seeing other people had a mixed effect for me, depending on who it was and how I felt about them/how they treated me.
Friends were good but I bored then rigid blush

marzipanmaggie Wed 21-Oct-15 08:58:56

I'm having counselling already... It helps short term and helps me detach but does little to allay the underlying problem.
Bottom line is this person dominates my thoughts all the time and while I am good at filling my life with other activities/things/people it doesn't change the fundamental longing and sense of loss...
Ledkr how long did it take?

bigtoe11 Wed 21-Oct-15 10:02:33

When I saw this title, I was hoping to click and see some magic solution...I remain hopeful.

I was considering posting a similar question. However, to give the full story would involve a lot of specifics and I didn't want to take that risk.

I feel your pain and am just entering something similar.

The only difference being is that the other person in my situation is the one who gives the excuses for it not happening. It's very hard seeing somebody all of the time, wanting to be with them, having them tell you they want to be with you but just can't for a number of reasons. How are you meant to move on from a situation like that?

anotherdayanothersquabble Wed 21-Oct-15 10:27:05

What about EFT? I think that could help.

marzipanmaggie Wed 21-Oct-15 15:08:45

'Scuse the ignorance but what's ETF?

anotherdayanothersquabble Wed 21-Oct-15 16:26:08

Emotional Freedom Technique.

Some demonstrations on YouTube but if you could find a counsellor who could guide you through it the first few times, it would probably be more effective.

Positive affirmations about lovubg and accepting yourself truly and deeply, that you do not need these negative feelings of dependence, that you can be free to be the best positive you, you can be. It all sounds very hippy but it can be very positive.

Ledkr Wed 21-Oct-15 19:16:03

EFT is interesting because when I got over it Id made a really concious decision to do so.
I had some affirmations such as
"Enough is enough" I also realised that the relationship was ruining my life and making me suffer acute anxiety so I needed to get over it.

Ledkr Wed 21-Oct-15 19:17:16

I also stopped putting on a brave face and allowed myself to grieve and be sad.
That is very unlike me.

DrMorse Wed 21-Oct-15 19:22:35

Sorry, no solution. I am in a very similar situation and barely recognise myself these days sad

waitingforcalpoltowork Wed 21-Oct-15 19:30:47

yes im in the boat too ive got childrens services involved and he comes to conferences and core groups and acts sooo nice and lovely and i love my kids! would do anything for them (except feed them change nappies not emotionally abuse them etc)

marzipanmaggie Wed 21-Oct-15 19:46:17

Thanks for the advice about EFT -- sounds worth pursuing and will ask my counsellor about it.

Ledkr this is part of the problem -- I can't grieve for it because I can't acknowledge it. If I do so it threatens to open all sorts of cans of worms for me both professional and personal.

Its never really been talked about openly so I don't really know how he feels about it, beyond the fact that I know he feels its not workable. Which I'm in agreement about. But I have no idea how he feels about me really.

In a way I don't suppose it matters as it can't go anywhere anyway. But if I knew definitively that he wasn't interested or was just messing around I could start to work on drawing a line.

We've never really established this. I really want to tell him that I find it difficult and that I've been hurt. But the stakes are too high and I just can't do it.

Mousqueton Thu 22-Oct-15 00:12:26

I had to reply to this - I'm going through a very similar situation. I also can't really go into detail due to my own level of paranoia. I should know better, but being logical was never really my strong point. Circumstances have planted this girl in my head... and I kinda wish that there was a way to clinically remove her from it; I know it's affecting my behaviour.

The worst part of it is I've started actively avoiding her, to the point I'll get up and move if I notice her nearby, and it worries me that I'm coming across as rude - which just isn't me. It's not a chance I can take though, I can't even bring myself to speak to her right now because I know it'd make things worse.

I have found talking to a friend who I trust and isn't connected with the situation helps a bit - he just lets me be a complete idiot about it... then tells me I'm being a complete idiot, which deep down I think I already know.

I'm counting on time being a healer....

marzipanmaggie Thu 22-Oct-15 06:03:09

Mousqueton yes, I can relate to the thing about avoiding. I've also been wanting to avoid this person as it seems the easiest way to deal with it but I can't as it would be extremely noticeable and pointed. Its absolute torture. Its like the one thing you need to do for your sanity and health -- i.e. to shut someone down and move on -- is forbidden to you.

Yseulte Thu 22-Oct-15 11:55:37

But if I knew definitively that he wasn't interested or was just messing around I could start to work on drawing a line.

You do know that though. If he wanted to be with you he would be. If he's not, he's not interested.

I think you are drawing hope from the fact that there hasn't been total closure. In cases like this you have to make your own closure.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 22-Oct-15 12:15:31

I agree with Yseulte .
If it isn't a "yes" then it is a "no"-for whatever reason or circumstance.
Take no for an answer and move on (sorry to sound harsh but it is what it is).

spudlike1 Thu 22-Oct-15 16:09:40

Have you looked up Limerance
Have you looked up the Baggage Reclaim website ..another poster recommend it ..It's useful

marzipanmaggie Thu 22-Oct-15 21:15:19

spud I have looked up limerance and I'm fully aware that there's a fair amount of this going on. I know I need to work on this. Just wasn't planning on having to do this in these circumstances smile

But thanks. Have heard of Baggage Reclaim but was vaguely put off by the fact you have to pay...

spudlike1 Thu 22-Oct-15 21:47:59

I've read lots of articles on Baggage Reclaim not paid a penny

marzipanmaggie Thu 22-Oct-15 21:50:27

I've read the articles as well and they are fine, reasonably insightful but nothing I couldn't have figured out for myself -- but the courses cost --

Mousqueton Thu 22-Oct-15 22:33:51

Trying to rationalize or attach some kind of condition to it trivializes your feelings, IMO.

I know I'm a fine one to give any advice, but is there a possibility that you can talk to him about it? Avoidance is probably best for my situation, but if that's not an option for you it might be better to get it all out in the open...

I think you have to know where you stand before you can figure out the path to follow. All the time you're not sure, there's still a straw to clutch at which could hold you back.

spudlike1 Thu 22-Oct-15 22:52:56

Yes some of its a bit basic I guess .
Little reminders help sometimes

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