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husband had affair

(12 Posts)
spicybeans Tue 20-Oct-15 17:01:52

hi, so ok i'll start by apologising for the long post.
ive been married 7 years. my husband and i struggled to conceive and had 7 miscarriages. last year we had a little girl but she died shortly after she was born. My husband had had a drug and alcohol problem for as long as ive known him. He doesnt drink every day but maybe two to three times a week but hits it hard. We also live next to his parents who are very religious and imposing and also despise me. Anyway after our little girl dies I suffered major depression. It didnt effect our relationship physically but his refusal to stop drinking and two further miscarriages made me resentful towards him. I started seeing my friends more and got a job instead of focusing on him as i realised we may never have kids. So he went on a boys holiday to ibiza, he came back with herpes. i was devestated, the next day after i had founf out (he admitted a one night stand) he had to leave to miami on business. I logged into his emails and found he was going first classs with some girl from his work and sharing a room, ten grand it cost him when he wouldnt pay for ivf. i was so angry i smashed a mirror and out oven. his parents came around and called the police and tried to have me evicted from the house. now he refuses to speak with me. i dont know what to do. im back at my mothers who makes me tidy my room before i leave ( i was late for a meeting, seriously) i feel like my life is over. so much hurt in such a small space of time. i do still love him and i miss him, i just feel sad that he could do this to me. i dont even know what im looking to hear. i guess just a bit of comfort

ImperialBlether Tue 20-Oct-15 17:13:03

You have had a terrible time flowers and you need to make yourself a better life. This won't be with your mum or your husband.

If he has enough money to pay for women to go abroad with him, then there must be enough money for a downpayment on a flat somewhere. I would cut all ties with this man and I'd move out of your mum's house asap, too.

spicybeans Tue 20-Oct-15 17:17:49

yes he is well off and i have seen my solicitor and asked for £3000 a month alimony which he has not yet replied to. he earns 6 times this a month his parents recently switched the deeds of the house into their name when i was morning the loss of our daughter, i guess they saw this coming. i know i need to get out of my parents house but i feel so alone, plus i have just started my own business and need every penny for staff wages so im kind of trapped. i know the law will sort out money for me and i will be ok in the end but i guess im just so hurt that he has done this to me, i just cant understand it. yes he had his faults but when he was sober he was perfect. why wont he talk to me?

Jelly101 Tue 20-Oct-15 17:25:31

I didn't want to read and run. It sounds like you've had an awful time. I agree, I think you should get this man out of your life, he isn't considering your feelings/emotions at all given everything you've been through. I understand it will be difficult as I was in an awful relationship for 3 years with someone who cheated numerous times. Eventually I saw the light and called the relationship off. It was difficult at first but now I know I made the right decision. Is there anyone you can talk to about your situation? thanks

spicybeans Tue 20-Oct-15 18:17:51

i know i know but its so hard when you still love someone although im slowly finding it easier to hate him. i know i need to ignore him which is easy when he isnt even trying to contact me! i just want him to hurt like i am. please tell me he will regret this x

ladyblablah Tue 20-Oct-15 18:40:04

"yes he had his faults but when he was sober he was perfect"

I am sorry all this has happened to you however step 1 is getting the reality of who your husband is.

He may well be mourning too but he is not doing it by your side and that is a terrible betrayal.

You have to summon your energy to make your life. Without trying to second guess why or what or who he is doing.

Fratelli Tue 20-Oct-15 19:36:21

Op I have no advice really, just wanted to say I'm so so sorry for your losses. What a terrible time you've been through.

He sounds just awful imo. He should be supporting you. Do you have anyone in rl you can reach out to? flowersflowersflowers

Marilynsbigsister Tue 20-Oct-15 19:52:30

You are married to him for 7yrs. You are entitled to A LARGE proportion of marital assests. Yet thee to a lawyer op , you will have more than enough dosh to have SEVERAL Ivf rounds.

Jelly101 Tue 20-Oct-15 19:55:56

I know how hard it is to leave someone you love, but your husband sounds incredibly insensitive. It doesn't sound like he cares about how you might be feeling or coping after your losses. I hope you find the courage to make the decision that you feel is best for you. thanks

summerwinterton Tue 20-Oct-15 21:29:54

I would say your self esteem is on the floor after being undervalued as a child and that is why you ended up with this excuse of a man

You need some counselling to find out why you think he is all you deserve. And please do not talk to him - what is there to say? Get a solicitor to deal with him and do not speak to him or his family aain.

springydaffs Tue 20-Oct-15 22:15:57

It takes a lot to make me cry but your op made me cry. I'm so sorry you are going through such terrible losses flowers

Girl, it'll take a while to get over these losses but you will get there in the end. Unfortunately there's nothing for it but to go through it - if only we could side-step it but we can't. You will make it, you are made of strong stuff.

Yes, if he is wealthy your settlement will be handsome. It takes a while to get to the settlement but you will in the end. The fact that his vile parents changed the deeds on the house will be duly noted by the courts. It sounds to me you will re nice to get rid of these foul people.

Your mother sounds disordered and my guess is you didn't have a great childhood? Do move out if you can, you don't need her shit on top of everything do you - you've enough to be getting on with without that.

You may love him but from what you've said he doesn't sound worthy of your love. He doesn't sound a nice person at all at all. I'm so sorry he has put you through this beans flowers flowers

Be kind to yourself eh xx

springydaffs Tue 20-Oct-15 22:27:45

* you will rejoice to get rid of

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