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How to fix this MIL problem? It's making me ill :((54 Posts)
When I first met dp and was about to meet his parents, he warned me about mil, saying she comes a cross as lovely but not to be taken in, as sooner or later she will turn on me and I won't know why. I told him he was mean, but when I was pregnant that's exactly what happened. She told dp I was a gold digger planning to steal his money, that the baby was a trap, that I was making up my sod for sympathy, and all sorts. She was Yen mean to me after he birth, and made a nasty comment about ds name when we called to tell her he was born.
It all blew over and everything was fine and we all seemed to be getting on well.
Fast forward a year and Long story short, MIL has fallen out with us. She has a pattern of doing this and we never really find out why. Normally we just keep going round and ignoring the frosty reception and it also blows over.
This time however she has been making it I possible to sort out. DP will call her asking when we can come round to see her and she will let it go through to voicemail and never return the call. When he calls again asking if she got the message, she will say yes, but she was busy hanging out the washing (which doesn't explain why she doesn't call back). One week he phoned 5 times and left 5 voicemails. She didn't return one. We went round at the weekend and she was obviously looking for an argument as she kept making snippy remarks, then said "you don't care, you haven't even called this week".
I couldn't listen to it anymore when I see how she treats do and how it affects him, and I snapped and told her that I could see exactly what she is doing, picked up our ds and walked out. She has subsequently banned me from her house.
Dp has tried to call her numerous times which always results in her screaming at him.
We have since found out that she has bee going around telling everyone that she doesn't see dp or our ideas"his sons partner has made sure of that, she is a masterpiece of work" which is obviously Not true. She helps at the playgroup where do and I are moving to, and I was hoping to be able to meet other mums, and has apparently been spreading all these lies befoe I even get there. We found this out as I saw one of her friends discussing it on Facebook, and apparently she has been saying this for months, way before she fell out wish us.
Since the falling out, she has been referred for tests as they have found da Mass on an ultrasound, which could be cancer. See is using that as a reason to not speak to dp saying she isn't coping well with her cancer scare and he should just get on with his life. But we know she has also told people she has to go through it alone as I stop him speaking to her. He tried to go to a hospital appointment with her so she wasn't alone and she screamed in front of everyone in the waiting room and said that I was an embarrassment.
She has told him tonight that he has made his choice by being with me and choosing me over his own mother.
I don't know what to do,the stress of it is making me feel I'll as I can't eat or sleep. I've not asked anyone to choose.there is no choice as far as I'm concerned, I want everyone to get on and ds to see his grandma.
The obvious answer would be to go NC, but we can't do that to someone having a cancer scare, and even if that turns out to be nothing, we will basically be doing what she has accused us of.I just don't know what to do.
SPD for sympathy!
Sorry for all the typos! Sleepy toddler making my arm go dead!
I'm wondering if she has some degree of dementia as she doesn't remember phone calls?
I'm so sorry, but I don't see what you can do. She clearly doesn't want to have a relationship with you and, as much as I'm sure you wish you could, you can't force it.
If you really do have to move to the same area then I'd either reconsider or look into other groups to join.
Fabulousathome... sorry I probably should have explained it better but didn't want my post to drag on for ages (and am wary I'll now get told I'm drip feeding!) but she deliberately avoids them. She lets it go through to voicemail, And ignores it. A few weeks ago we were at fils and dp called from there to see if she was in to visit, and it went to voice mail and he hung up. She immediately called back as it was fils number and said she had let it go to voicemail to check it wasn't dp.
Ohfourfoxache. If she doesn't want to have a relationship with me tags fine, but it's the issue that she won't have one with her own son while he is with me, then tells everyone that I'm the one making him not speak to her, when he is trying his best to do so
Well you d did steal her son, then compounded it by having a cute, adorable son of your own that takes the attention of her.
She sounds like she has BPD, actually, and she is driving son away before he leaves. I don't think there's any good result here, I hope she does this enough that folks she works with take her opinions with a grain of salt.
She is also ensuring btw is constantly dancing attendance inn her by jerking his chain like this. Get your dp some counseling, because his mom is toxic.
That should be your dp, not btw. Nursting toddler here
She has 2 other sons who won't speak to her,and a grandchild she has never seen as bil considered too manipulative. You'd think she would treat the last remaining one a bit better.
Apparently when she was divorcing fil(her 2nd divorce) she made them go to counselling so he could see that it was all his fault. The therapist said she had some mental issues and would benefit from therapy. She then refused to ever go again or speak of it as it wasn't films fault.
She's pushed away 2husbands, 2 sons, and countless friends, but Its always someone else's fault.
She's no doubt loving the fact that you both keep running after her. And where has it got you? Does she soften? No, because this is how she wants you to be, constantly trying to make it up to her. For all your sakes as a little family of your own, you need to take a breather and step back from all this. Find a different playgroup, don't try to contact her. You will find she'll contact you somehow once she realises you're not running after her anymore. Whether you then want to listen to her is another matter.
I know she is spreading lies and it is hurtful. But please remember that people aren't silly they can probably see right through her. For the ones who can't, just go along and live your life and be you, people will soon realise. I would stop your dp from contacting her. She sounds very manipulative, go cold for a while. And stick to it, she will come crawling back. If she doesn't return a phone call then don't phone her or visit until she does. She is running the show atm.
Oh and I've also had the family member where everything is always someone else's fault. Me and DH were the only ones who would put up with them, and in return we became the ones turned on and blamed. We're NC now.
From your update, please don't worry about what other people think, it will be obvious to them who is to blame!
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. It's hurtful, of course it is. And somehow it's worse when they turn away their own child (I have similar problems with my ILs). Personally I feel that if they just didn't want to know me then I'd accept it, but it's the rejection of dh that hurts the most. No child should ever have to experience that.
Please don't think I'm being flippant when I say this, but there really isn't anything you can do. She's done this before and all you can really do is support your other half.
You can't change people. You can only change how you react to those people sadly
She sounds like a classic narcissist. I have a parent with a narcissistic personality disorder. They don't change. They don't improve (although they may appear to at times, but it will all transpire to have been an elaborate manipulation). It's not personal. She doesn't hate you because you stole her son - she would hate any DIL or anyone who doesn't dance attendance on her. Nothing she says or does can be relied upon to be the truth, including, I'm sorry to say, this cancer scare. The best thing you could do for yourself and your family is to walk away, either formally going NC or just disentangling yourself from it all. At the very least, you need to train yourself not to take any of it to heart - she is acting out a personal psychodrama that began long before your Dh and his siblings were even born. It helps that your Dh and the rest of the family seem to totally have her number - the toughest situations are when the child of a parent like this keeps on having their chain yanked and running back to the toxic parent, which has a terrible effect on a wider family dynamics, marriages etc. (There was a terribly sad thread about exactly this a couple of weeks ago.) To answer your question, you can't fix this problem. All you can do is insulate yourself from it.
It seems that you and your dh are the current favorite target for her manufactured drama. As you already know, it is her, not you, that is the problem. It really isn't about you, so try to not take it personally (very hard!). You could be a cardboard cutout and she'd still treat you the same. She'll eventually move on to someone else (hopefully!).
You (and your dh, sad to day) need to emotionally detach. Also set a boundary on how much you will be willing to tolerate and stick to it-for example-you are perfectly within your rights to not spend Christmas with her.
Talk to dps siblings, see if they can help him.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions and your good intentions are making you feel ill (which should tell you something). Take back the power you've surrendered to this woman by not participating in the game playing.
The relationship between your DP and his mother is not your relationship to fix or change. Given her track record do you really think the people she's running around telling that you are the worst, believe her? If you really want to support your DP, encourage him to seek support for being a child of a toxic parent via counselling.
Your DP told you who this woman was before you met her, your responsibilities begin and end with protecting yourself and your child from this woman's toxicity.
Just ignore her, don't keep playing her game and giving her attention, concentrate on your own lives, your own family as if she didn't even exist. I'm sure when people get to know you at the baby groups they'll see that it's not you, so I wouldn't worry about that
I'll be honest, i do have cancer, but it doesn't entitle me to behave like a twat! Yes you CAN go nc with her; to be honest i doubt the authenticity of her "health scare" anyway. Your dp needs to stop feeding her power by repeatedly playing her game and phoning / trying to make contact. You're not dealing with a person who will have a monent of clarity one day and say "i see! Bloody hell, it was me all along wasn't it? Sorry for being so manipulative and horrid!". Never going to happen. You and dp plus baby would have a much more peaceful life without all this drama, you owe her nothing.?
You will never change her. Just let her get on with it.
I do wonder why you are moving to somewhere that she seems to have control over though.
I'm fed up of everyone running around and treading on egg shells for mil but would do it if dh wanted me too as I'd never make him have to choose between me and his mum. He gets more annoyed than I do - I've just accepted she's nuts. About 4 years ago she and fil pushed us over the edge and since then dh said that we now do what suits us and if it offends mil then so be it. Basically she'll be offended whatever we do so there's no point putting ourselves out.
In your case I would suggest your dp sends a note to mil saying she keeps missing his calls so he'll call every Sunday at 7pm ( or whenever suits him) and if she's busy then she can call him in the week when it suits her. I would also suggest dp points out in the note that you are his dp and the mother of her grandchild so bad mouthing you us unacceptable.
Her response will determine whether you have any relationship in the future.
However dp has to deal with this or you will be the evil one forever.
There are a lot of options between calling her 5 times a day and being ignored and going nc.
Also, this isn't your problem to be dealing with, it's your DH's.
He can ring once or twice and leave a message and then the ball is in her court if she wants to ignore him and I wouldn't worry about what she says to other people, if they know she is nc with all her children they won't be taken in by the " poor me" act.
Don't feel your child needs this woman in His life just because she is his Grandma, she knows where yay live and how to get in touch if she wants to see him but if not then don't push it.
Try not to look at it as her hating you, it's not personal she probably doesn't like anyone except herself, count yourself lucky that at least your DH knows what she's like, this board is usually full of women with toxic narc mil's who's precious son won't acknowledge that there is a problem.
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