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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

The nicer he is the farther they run. .

73 replies

bridie69 · 19/10/2015 21:04

DS is 27, handsome, intelligent, good job etc. He just moved to Dublin with work. He really loves Ireland and his new life there. But he hadn't had much luck romantically. I think he is just way too nice. I as a feminist Mum take some responsibility for this. Ideas?

OP posts:

Report

VikingVolva · 19/10/2015 21:08

Leave him to it.

I know it's hard to stop parenting adult children (and well brought up ones will tolerate quite a surprising amount of that).

But back off from anything concerning the heart or the pants, unless the DC specifically asks.

intimacysucks · 19/10/2015 21:10

I saw a sketch on a comedy routine by Louis CK where he says he wishes his 45 year old self could go back to his 25 year old self and tell him it gets better for nice guys. Which is does.

Was never one for a bad boy myself, but most girls when I was 25 liked the handsome players with a bit of charm. At my mid thirties...we ALL want to nice guy in my friends group now

mudandmayhem01 · 19/10/2015 21:18

Things get better and better for nice men as women get a bit older and start to be more interested in longer term commitment, children etc. My lovely nice husband is snoozing after a hard days work and putting the kids to bed. The occasional bad boy of my youth pops up on facebook and i ithink what a lucky escape.

annandale · 19/10/2015 21:20

Oh, now I know a gorgeous, gorgeous woman in Dublin who might still be single.... I bet lots of us do.

You could get your network to swing into action... or you could assume that 1. it's up to him and 2. he may not be telling you 100% of the truth about his sex life.

sneepy · 19/10/2015 21:30

IME men who talk about how "nice" they are tend to expect some kind of reward for their niceness, like sex. They need their niceness confirmed, constantly. (Look how nice I am, I made you a tea! I'm such a modern man!) Nothing they ever do is wrong, in fact, they are always right but women are too stupid to appreciate it! Why won't any woman ever give the nice guys what they deserve!!?!

Sorry, but a normal guy is a lot more attractive than a self-styled nice one.

Muckogy · 19/10/2015 21:35

Copper Face Jacks.
that is all.
(he'll know what i mean.)

Morganly · 19/10/2015 21:37

I think you had a previous post about whether he should move to Ireland or Japan if he wants to be in a relationship? He must have only just moved. Far too early to expect to have fallen into a relationship. You both need to chill about this issue. He should concentrate on making friends of both genders and you need to back the fuck off.

Muckogy · 19/10/2015 21:40

i should also add that currently there are more single women than men in dublin, so its only a matter of time before he finds someone.

TRexingInAsda · 19/10/2015 21:42

Too 'nice'? That's just nonsense. I hear that from idiot men who somehow think that girls want bastards, and they're 'friendzoned' because they're too 'nice'. Absolute bollocks, how on earth you can believe that horse shit and call yourself a feminist in the same breath I don't know!

Maybe he's gay and doesn't want to tell you.
Maybe he has lots of girls, or just one, but doesn't want to tell you.
Maybe he isn't as nice to women as you think he is.
Maybe he's not handsome.
I don't know, and it could be any of these things or none, but I tell you what the problem definitely is not - he is NOT too nice.

"I'm a feminist, but my son is too lovely and nice for all the horrible girls who don't go out with him like he deserves because they have the cheek to fancy who they like want a bastard" Now I've heard everything.

MissApple · 19/10/2015 21:44

Copper Face Jacks :-) :-) :-)

IamlovedbyG · 19/10/2015 21:45

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IamlovedbyG · 19/10/2015 21:45

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GiraffesAndButterflies · 19/10/2015 21:46

Spot on TRexing. OP, credit other women with also perhaps being feminist enough not to reject your DS because he's not dragging them back to his cave by their hair.

F0xChat · 19/10/2015 21:49

tell him to go on tinder. wouldn't be for me, at my advanced age, but my friends younger brother moved to dublin and he's met girls through tinder. Not all ONS, he's made friends on tinder.

F0xChat · 19/10/2015 21:50

trexing I hear you but it's his own mum, and she's worried about him, he's living away from home and confessing that he's not having much luck socially.

anothernumberone · 19/10/2015 21:52

Yep Copper Face Jacks.

HumboldtFog · 19/10/2015 22:06

Agree with Trexing.

OP, this is another of your posts that come across as a bit odd to me!
I'm not sure I understand what your being a "feminist mum" has to do with your adult son's romantic life?

bridie69 · 19/10/2015 22:09

TRexing you have really really hurt me. I love my son and I want to help him be happy he has had too many bad times.

OP posts:

F0xChat · 19/10/2015 22:11

I'm sure he's not trying to drag anybody back to his cave,but I bet like 95% of men, he only notices the most attractive 25% of the female population. I know you're his mother and think he's gorgeous but if any man in dublin is not having luck with women he needs to be a bit more realistic about his own looks! Sorry if that sounds really harsh. But men (NOT the op's son) often go on about being overlooked because they are so nice (do they mean shy?! not sure) when in the same breath they are themselves overlooking three quarters of the women,

SurlyCue · 19/10/2015 22:14

Send him up over the border. I'll let you know whether he's too nice or not.

F0xChat · 19/10/2015 22:15

OP, that was a general observation about men. Not directed at your son.

He could be out every night at different clubs. He could be busy busy and then let the friends thing fall in to place.

Bloomsberry · 19/10/2015 22:19

I agree with TRex, Giraffes and F0x. Your strange association between your own feminism, its presumed impact on the way you raised your son and the fact that he's now 'too nice' to have relationships suggests more about your own misogynistic perceptions about women really wanting bastards than it does about your son. He'll figure it out. Just back off and let him at it. I can assure you Dublin is full of women who don't suffer from reactionary bad boy/caveman fantasies.

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AbeSaidYes · 19/10/2015 22:23

What do you think the solution is OP?

He is too nice, so you want him to be a bit nasty?

CallaLilli · 19/10/2015 22:23

OP, you're not the same woman who asked for advice a while ago on how to help her son lost his virginity? I'd hope you're not but either way I'd give you the same advice - just leave him to it.

Ferocia · 19/10/2015 22:25

Hmm. I find men who are "too nice" tend to fall into one or both of the following categories.

Plug ugly
Doesn't really like being nice to women, but thinks if he is, he'll get some.

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