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The difference between FWB / Hookups and Dating?

(86 Posts)
intimacysucks Mon 19-Oct-15 19:09:44

Can anyone help me with this? I have an offer from a guy who I know for a FWB kind of deal and want to get clear in my head what to expect. I've just started into a FWB situation and I'm not clear on the diferrence or what I should be expecting.

Also...does it ever end well, or will one party end up hurt?

My reasons for going into this are ultimatly lonliness (him too) and the sex once a week with cuddling, kissing and affection is quite nice and fills a gap that was missing.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Mon 19-Oct-15 19:14:13

FWB is filling a gap - it's mostly sex but you might keep each other company eating and stuff, in the absence of a partner. It isn't going anywhere, though.

Dating is testing the water and moving towards a future. People who are dating are interested in a future together.

Some people can make FWBs work. If you just see it as sex and you're good at not getting attached it might. If not, you'll probably get hurt.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 19-Oct-15 19:14:45

Afaik a hook up is just like a one night stand
Fwb is a person you like hanging out with and having sex with but who you don't want to date properly, and who you do not rely on fOr emotional support or couples activities
Dating is getting to know someone with a view to getting into a relationship even if it is a casual one. You could date with a view to fwb.

intimacysucks Mon 19-Oct-15 19:15:58

Does it basically mean, if a man wants this, that he likes you enough for sex but not enough for a relationship?

I think my ick factor on it is that feeling the above to be true is actually a bloody turn off.

BlueBlueBelles Mon 19-Oct-15 19:24:46

I've had Fuck buddies before. Two different ones. Both guys if had previous 3 month relationships with, ended on good terms, we weren't a match but the sex was good.

Both times they were plugging a gap. We sent flirty messages. We had sex.

That was it. Our terms were always no sleeping over, no outside dates. Honesty as soon as we met someone.

Never an ill feeling. Other than wishing I hadn't dropped FB1 for ex husband but hey

laughingatweather Mon 19-Oct-15 19:28:33

FWB can be great but only if you have the same expectations.

If you think FWB means you're friends who have sex that implies a level of respect/care for the other person so you have sex but have a respectful and caring relationship outside that.

But you or him might think FWB means a shag when you don't have anything else to do.

FWB implies 'friends' which should mean some care and respect but I had an alleged FWB who thought it meant he came round for a shag and fucked off within minutes as if I was an unpaid sex worker!.

So as this man is 'offering' his services - oh how generous! Hmmmm.

I'd wonder if his idea of FWB is different to yours and I'd check you were on the same page.

intimacysucks Mon 19-Oct-15 19:32:35

So it'd be summed up really as two people who are sexually compatable but have no interest in each other beyond that. Both looking for someone better who they did want a relationship with. Purely there to fill a sexual need on a regular basis for decent sex. It's over as soon as ither of you meets someone better or gets bored?

brokenhearted55a Mon 19-Oct-15 19:32:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueBlueBelles Mon 19-Oct-15 19:38:06

Broken-hearted FB1 we got on great, but first dated when we were teens and our lives drifted apart. Hooked up again around 19-21 when our lives were both too busy for relationships (shift work and working away a lot) but wanted sex. FB2 the relationship only really failed because we disagreed on parenting styles (found out early on thankfully) but still thought a lot of each other. I admit the sex was never as good as I never quite fancied him the same though if that makes sense?

BlueBlueBelles Mon 19-Oct-15 19:41:01

And actually I met my amazing DP the day after my latest hookup with FB2. I think I went into the date with a slightly different mindset. Came away knowing I had to stop the FB straight away, and got together fully with DP (ie had sex) two weeks later.

intimacysucks Mon 19-Oct-15 19:41:40

Laughingat...sorry...not sure if it was clear on my OP...I am ALREADY doing it, just felt unclear of what to expect and reading these definitions it doesn't really seem to fit which might be why I am feeling uncomfortably confused confused

For a start we don't sext or send flirty messages. More like info about each other's day, and I'd not say we were friends before - or now - more like aquantances.

I've done in three times now with him. First time we talked for hours over dinner first, had sex about 75 times and stopped to eat, drink, cuddle, lots of kissing. He stayed over, made me breakfast and spooned me watching TV and had sex most of the day talking about childhoods and what not.

Second time he came in rushed into a very long kiss and cuddle, told me he'd missed me, invited me as his date to an event confused and again had great sex and stayed the night together kissing and cuddling with hugs and kisses in the morning and brekkie together.

Third time much of the same and he texted me to tell me after the last time together he'd realised he cared for me deeply and didn't miss just sex when we were apart but also missed sleeping next to me.

Is this all completely abnormal for FWB? Which by the way is what he said he wanted. I've never done it before so wasn't sure if this was normal or not. So I am feeling a bit unsteady and not sure what his game is. I am fine with just shagging if that's all he wants (for now) but I feel he is overstepping the mark and creating a bit too much intimacy which feels a bit unfair if he only sees me as a stop gap to keep him warm while someone better comes along.

BlueBlueBelles Mon 19-Oct-15 19:44:31

Honestly? He's overstepping the mark. That's far too datey and relationship like imo for FWB

brokenhearted55a Mon 19-Oct-15 19:45:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueBlueBelles Mon 19-Oct-15 19:47:34

Broken yours wasn't a true FWB. You were his fuck buddy. You were holding out for more. That very rarely works out.

intimacysucks Mon 19-Oct-15 19:47:54

So what does he mean he wants FWB then? I honestly don't get it. It feels like he wants a girlfriend one night a week. How on earth does he imagine that will work?

Surely you are either emotionally intimate or you're not. You can't turn it on and off like a tap.

He was the one when we started who was abslutely sure he only wanted FWB so I feel like he is playing with my feelings, albeit certianly accidentally

intimacysucks Mon 19-Oct-15 19:49:00

Broken, did yours not start off from the beginning saying he only wanted FWB then? He started off dating and then sort of demoted you? How awful, sounds like a mindfuck

BlueBlueBelles Mon 19-Oct-15 19:52:26

Intimacy he is playing with your feelings a bit I think. Power trip wise springs to mind. He wants you to want him, to think he's amazing.

brokenhearted55a Mon 19-Oct-15 19:53:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueBlueBelles Mon 19-Oct-15 19:55:04

Then it wasn't friends with benefits. It was him having his way, leading you on, fucking off.

FWB imo needs defining from the start. Otherwise one party (usually the female ime) ends up too emotionally involved, hoping that the sex will lead to a happy ever after

brokenhearted55a Mon 19-Oct-15 19:57:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Toohardtofindaproperusername Mon 19-Oct-15 19:59:35

OP- and what about you? What do you want?

BlueBlueBelles Mon 19-Oct-15 19:59:53

Definitely selfish and manipulative broken :-(

intimacysucks Mon 19-Oct-15 20:09:00

I want one or the other.

I want him to come over, shag me and go so I don't get attached or I want to date him. Prefererably date him. I like him but he told me from the day we met that was off the cards.

sorry broken sad people can be shits

brokenhearted55a Mon 19-Oct-15 20:18:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueBlueBelles Mon 19-Oct-15 20:26:01

Intimacy if you want to date him do not become FWB. It will not work out. Seriously, it won't.

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