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Tips on amicable separation?

(16 Posts)
Squiddles Mon 19-Oct-15 14:02:13

After 22 years and 3 dcs we are giving up sad
We're too different, sex life died 21 years ago during pregnancy with ds, the next two were practically conceived immaculately! It's him that went off it/me. We bicker constantly and it's miserable for all.
Question is; what now? Do we get the house valued? Then what? I think we've both stayed in the relationship for lack of knowledge of what to do.sadsadsad

cozietoesie Mon 19-Oct-15 15:51:32

Why not just divorce formally? If you're both comletely finished, there seems little virtue to separation unless you have religious objections to it.

gessami Mon 19-Oct-15 15:57:05

we're in the same boat. except H also had an affair. and lots of other unhelpful crap. but essentially 23 years together, 13 years married, 3 DCs and we want to separate & divorce amicably.

we are meeting a family consultant next week to help us to decide what & how to tell DCs. and also take advice on how to share childcare etc.

short term H is moving into rented accommodation with enough room for DCs to stay and i'll stay in the family home.

legally i really want to go down the collaborative law route. let's hope H agrees….

cozietoesie Mon 19-Oct-15 16:04:06

How old are your DCs by the way?

Minime85 Mon 19-Oct-15 16:15:45

Go see a lawyer and listen to their advice. If you can do it amicably then don't bother with lawyers for actual divorce just do it yourselves much cheaper. How old are the dcs? I'm guessing adults by what you've said or teenagers? Keep them at forefront it they are younger for sure. Tell them only what they need to know not the ins and outs. Don't talk negatively about each other in front of them. Tell them together. Give each other time to adjust. It's a long slow process and time is a huge factor in it. Good luck

RedMapleLeaf Mon 19-Oct-15 16:17:24

I would say, do it quickly. Expect goodwill and amicability to not last as long as you would hope.

Secondly, be realistic about what amicable looks like and that you may both be picturing different ideas.

I understand that Relate can help couples separate.

Squiddles Mon 19-Oct-15 16:33:33

Thanks all. Dcs are 15 18 20. I've thought for years he was only staying with me to avoid maintenance. He's against financially support offspring, in or out of education, post 6th form.
gessami what's collaborative law? Is that a silly questionblush As neither of us are looking to remarry I thought divorce was just an added emotional and financial stress that could be ignored, is that a silly view?
We are hoping to avoid rental costs, sell up and buy separately...
I dread the hostility we're accustomed to getting worse, perhaps we such talk about our expectations of an amicable divorce!

cozietoesie Mon 19-Oct-15 16:38:27

It's not a 'silly' view, it's just that divorce is generally cleaner. There's no obligation on either of you to re-marry after a divorce of course.

TooSassy Mon 19-Oct-15 18:18:13


It's a sad situation. Hugs to you.

My advice is a few things. Firstly, divorce and sort the financial settlement. If it's amicable now, use that amicability to get as much done as possible.
I've seen a handful of cases where the couples separated and didn't actually proceed with the divorce or financial settlement. Saying it was amicable etc etc.

Every single one of those amicable agreements has run into trouble. On the more (extreme) calculated end, one couple separated. She didn't want a divorce. DC's a similar age to yours. 5 years after separation he files. Youngest is now older than 18. He demands the house is sold and he wants his money out, he was with someone else. She hadn't been expecting that one bit and had listened to him when he said no pressure to sell house etc etc.

On a more gentle extreme, a couple separated. Wife met someone. She broached divorce. The amicability disappeared overnight.

Separation/ divorce etc changes people. I NEVER thought I would be in the situation I am in. Dealing with a STBXH who is being a total dick and trying to make life difficult.

If you've decided it's over, start cutting those ties and whatever you do absolutely deal with the financials so you can start mentally prepping.

Fuckingsickofhackers Mon 19-Oct-15 18:33:21

Good luck with it being amicable. We all want amicable but prepare yourself for the onslaught when it comes, as he realises what he has to lose & all hell breaks loose. I think amicable divorces are very few & far between.

Madlizzy Mon 19-Oct-15 18:44:43

We're amicable. I think not owning a house made it easier though. I've moved out and have one of the children living with me and he has two living with him. They are 16 and in further education though, so fully understand and support our decision to separate. I'd advise to not pick about the little things that irritate and look at the bigger picture. It's still very new for us here, but we went for a mooch around the shops today and a coffee and get on fine. If we'd stayed together for any longer, we wouldn't have stayed friendly.

potap123 Mon 19-Oct-15 18:59:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gessami Mon 19-Oct-15 19:44:10

OP collaborative law is a non-confrontational divorce process. it's a way of trying to work together to find a fair outcome.

have a look

sounds brilliant to me

gessami Mon 19-Oct-15 19:46:09

btw my DC are exactly 10 years younger than yours, 10, 8 & 5. so being able to co-parent effectively is super important to us

Justaboy Tue 20-Oct-15 00:07:41

Squiddles Have a look that this site

its got a lot of useful info in that as to what is current practice etc. We had a sort of amicable divorce, it cost but we're still on speaking mailing terms 'cos of the children so it can be done but its often a sort of civil war!.

It does help if you can try to agree on most everything. He may well only be paying maintenance of the youngest child it does go up to 19 years not 18 as may be imagined.

The main issue is what's called marital property usually the house if you can sell it and by somewhere else sufficient for both your needs that that's a big hurdle out of the way!.

scallopsrgreat Tue 20-Oct-15 00:16:34

I think to get an amicable divorce you both have to actively strive towards that and you both have to have the same idea of what amicable and perhaps more importantly, fair looks like. Amicable and fair, for example, is not one person gets what they want whilst the other person accepts that. Be prepared to stand your ground (and then you'll truly see how amicable he wants to be). One person can't make an amicable divorce.

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