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Help!! Again! (sorry)...What would you do??(17 Posts)
I know that I am bloody hopeless at dealing with my situation, however, I have made headway and I have told H that I want to seperate, and he is now in the spare room and this is the best I can manage at the moment. I have asked him to talk to me so we can work out the next best thing to do, be it selling the house or whatever. This hasnt happened however he has sent me the following email. I would like to know seriously, whether you think that I should give him one last chance, for the sake of keeping the family unit together? Or if it was you, with the benefit of hindsight and experience, is it not worth it???? Sorry I know its an impossible question but I just feel so confused right now!!! Any comments are really appreciated. Email as follows.................
There is no denying I have been a fool.
I have messed things up instead of making anything better which was my deepest intentions.
I love you since the first time I set eyes on you.
I am grateful I had children with you. I loves them to bits.
I am really, really sorry I hurt you!
I hope you can understand it has not been easy for me.
I hope you can see I am honest with you.
I pray you let us have a chance to make up.
I am sure splitting up is not the right choice.
Our children would be devastated. I am devastated.
I wish I could have seen clearer before and not made so much antics about my life.
Would you please consider to open up your heart once more for me.
Would you let me show you that we can have a future together and make this family an happy success.
I do not ask you to let me in your bed. I understand I do not deserve your indulgences which I terribly miss.
Also my snoring seems to trouble your sleep.
Yet, would you to give me a chance to make it better.
I have matured, don't smoke any more, trying hard to secure another professional career to support our family, willing to listen to your opinions, dying for a hug and kiss.
Could you Imagine how our children would react to see us happy, stronger together?
This and the idea of making you happy again drives me.
Would you let to hear your soft and caring voice again, not the distant, upset dialogue you impose me.
That email is emotional waffle, he's just saying what he thinks will help him get his own way.
Whether I'd consider a second chance would depend on what he'd done wrong and whether I wanted to be with him, as well as whether he has actually already had half a dozen chances. If I did, though, it'd be a serious conversation with some actual promises, rather than just believing that he'll suddenly be better.
And I'd be annoyed that he's using the children as emotional blackmail. They'll be okay either way.
Words are cheap, look at actions instead. Its just more meaningless waffle from him, he perhaps is telling you what you want to hear.
What is he going to do to change? How would you be able to measure it? How long are you prepared to give him for x y z to happen.
Now is the time you can issue your "terms" for change both in what, how and by when.
Don't short change yourself.
Without knowing the backstory it's impossible to comment really. Only you can know whether you want to trust him one more time.
Can you work out some simple steps? ie you go down the pub too much. Can you limit this to once a week?
You shout at the children about x y z, when that happens can you respond differently?
If it's a matter of physical abuse however - that's a whole different story and you should speak to a proper women's refuge councillor.
It doesn't matter...he's still being a twat anyway. I don't think he would know a decent, kind, respectable person if one jumped up and hit him in the face!
What has caused you to want to separate from/divorce your h?
No, I would not go back. That is emotionally manipulative and insincere nonsense that he could have written with half an eye on the tv.
It designed to make you feel guilty, pity; to tug at your heartstrings.
I don't know the backstory, but reading that has annoyed me and made my skin crawl. I'm guessing that's because the subtext suggests he's behave like an unworthy dick for a while. Just get rid of him.
so it's a no then - his email is garbage, and you should never stay together for the children. He cheated?
anyone can write any piece of fiction.
even hitler managed to write a book of fiction.
talk is very, very cheap. as cheap as faeces, really.
look at the email where he says it hasn't been easy for him either.
the poor wee lamb.
he's minimising even in his fucking email!
continue towards divorce is what i would do.
sling him out. it'll be easier to finally rid yourself of him once he's out from under your roof.
he's spinning you a yarn. don't fall for it.
Ive postd before. He's not cheated or hit me, however, he has been angry, critical, nasty, hostile and threatening towards me for a long time. I have previously been advised on here that he is emotionally abusive and I do agree with this now. He wrote that email because I told him I wanted to seperate (well actually, he finished with me, I just didnt want to get back together). However, he is still being critical and angry towards me. His current theme is 'undermining'....every time I try to talk to or reprimand the children, he jumps in, accusing me of having 'anger issues', 'control issues' and no patience. He tells me (infront of the children) that they are badly behaved because I was the one with them bringing them up all wrong whilst he was at work (??I work too). Anyway this is not all of it....just the current theme of the moment cos he knows it upsets me. So yeah, I think the email was garbage because theres no sign of any change. Thanks everyone. x
oh that's ok - as long as he didn't hit or cheat then all is fine
So you think his level of abuse he directs towards you is acceptable and what you and the DC deserve?
So what are you going to do?
he's frightened. because he thinks you mean business.
he's scared he'll lose his whipping boy (that's you).
he'll never change, you know that, don't you?
LTB. or kick the bastard out.
but bin him for good, either way.
"Ive postd before. He's not cheated or hit me, however, he has been angry, critical, nasty, hostile and threatening towards me for a long time. I have previously been advised on here that he is emotionally abusive"
Please don't think I'm being rude, but given your statement above, my stance would be the email is exactly the same thing...........emotional blackmail in my opinion and trying to make you feel like you would be the one in the wrong and ruin the children's lives (as well as his).
However, that said, maybe you have finally got through to him. I think my response would be that words, however sincere and nice are simply not enough. He needs to prove himself with actions. Only you can decide what that may entail, but perhaps Counselling, continuing to live separately whilst he does this etc etc?? xx
"I do not deserve your indulgences"
He must have found that line in an Adrian mole book
Yep he's emotionally abusive through and through, so pleased that you've seen the light. It will be a difficult and horrible time getting rid of him but you won't regret it.
Both you and your dc will blossom once he's gone from your home
I recently got rid of the last bits of shit from my ex, and I must have had half a dozen of this kind of crap. Letters and cards full of apology, how he couldn't live without me, he'd do anything to make me happy, even though he had done barely anything in the 8 years we were together.
I didn't keep them to reminisce. I kept them so that next time he did something awful, I'd look at them and know that he was capable of spouting so much crap, yet didn't mean a word. And repeat, repeat, repeat.
Words mean nothing. Action is everything.
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