Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Does anyone have another shoulder spare for me again today.... long

(11 Posts)
isthismylifenow Mon 19-Oct-15 08:55:14

I have posted before. Dh of 20 years and I are due to separate. Things not been good in a while. The decision was made that he would move out. But when he is moving out keeps changing in his mind. Initially it was going to be then, at time of discussion, then after the Christmas holidays and then suddenly its only going to be after he has finished working on his project (car refurbishment) which has been sitting here for years mind.....

I keep trying to bring it up as I need to know what is going on and I just cant live in limbo like this anymore. The atmosphere is the house is terrible, he is in a permanent bad mood, screaming and shouting otherwise not even speaking to us. We have 2 dc (both young teens). They don't even know what's up with him, they keep asking me what's wrong with him. I don't want to tell them he's moving out as they will be living in limbo too waiting for him to pull finger out his arse. The other night we had sex (why I don't know, I vowed to myself that I wouldn't have sex with him ever again, but we did and it was shit to be honest). Afterwards (thinking we got a bit of closeness, he might talk, I ask him how is he feeling about split and what does he want to do? His reply "I want to go to sleep"!.......)

So on Friday we had the most blazing row in the morning. No one could do anything right and he screamed and shouted as ds for taking too long in shower, then screamed at him for some random things that didn't even matter (a usb stick that dh was looking for). So he leaves the house storming out without so much as a goodbye. On his way out I called him back and told him that we are in fact his family, not his staff members, so please to treat us accordingly. He gives me a filthy look and storms out to work. So he gets home from work (late) on Friday and he sat watching the rugby on his own and everyone else (including me) made themselves scarce, really no-one even wanted to talk to him, and why the hell should we if that's how he treats us in that morning.

So I went to bed and the next morning got up earlier than him and made coffee and sat it sitting room. Next minute he walks in and performs that what the point of him coming home as no-one even talked to him last night, no one said goodnight we just all went to bed. So I told him we didn't want to talk to him due to his behaviour towards us that morning. No apology, nothing....Oh no, I got that all wrong, he didn't scream shout and perform, he just acted normally as usual etc etc. Whenever something happens, and I bring it up, he claims in never happened, or I am twisting it, or even making it up. HE IS NEVER EVER WRONG. So, performance again, and then he reckons is a going to move out sooner as clearly we don't want him here. So now today he is seeing a flat, no where near where we live now, but closer to his work. One bedroom (so nowhere for dc to stay with him over weekends). When I asked him why he is going to go and stay so far away so wont be able to see dc during the week, he screams at me saying do I not know what its like sitting in traffic each morning to get to work, so he is going to live there instead......

So, its clear isn't it that I am now totally going to be a single mother and his only intention of seeing the dc is when it suits him, and clearly not to stay with him as where will they sleep. We have a teenage dd and a ds and I wouldn't expect them to sleep together on a campbed on the sitting room floor when/if they went to him for weekends or whatever. He is clearly just thinking of himself isn't he.

I am a mess today. I am now getting the silent treatment because I am 'throwing' him out the house, although he is clearly forgotten we have discussed this numerous times over the past few months.

I don't even know how to get through today, never mind this whole week, which its going to be difficult. If he takes the flat he will move, I have to tell the dc, I have to run my business, have to smile when I see customers. I have to appear normal in front of the dc.

None of my family are nearby. I have lost of my friends over the years (and now I see its because of him). I don't have anyone to talk to in real life.
I really feel like I am going mad. And now I am the big bitch making him leave. I see now that I have been mentally abused for years. He had an affair some years back. He likes good sex and I am not that great in bed. He was working away and life was tough for him there. He needed some closeness from someone. What, so you just fuck the nearest women to you and continue it for 6 months. I found out my accident and I took him back, tried to put it behind me and work things out. I realize how that I have been in a headfuck for 6 years.

I have no self esteem. People think I am all bubbly and the happy vivacious one. I am not. I am a wreck and my heart is in a million pieces. How do I carry on today?

Penfold007 Mon 19-Oct-15 09:02:23

Tell your teens the truth, they know something is wrong and deserve to be treated better. It's really not your problem where he chooses to move to and your teens are old enough to decide on contact themselves. Sounds as though the relationship has been over for some time, you just didn't realise.

Shinyhappypeople9 Mon 19-Oct-15 09:22:54

You really need to get rid as soon as possible as its damaging your health and the longer this goes on the more damage it will be doing to your children.

He sounds vile. What he does with his living arrangements is up to him. The kids are teens, they can choose of they want to stay there anyway.

Oh, and don't sleep with him again. He frankly doesn't deserve that and it does your mental health no good.

isthismylifenow Mon 19-Oct-15 10:25:29

All the advice given --thanks Google--for telling the dc is for both parents to tell them together. So I thought this is what we should do. I am afraid that if I tell them alone, I am going to be one sided, and I really don't want them to feel like they have to choose between us and choose me as not to upset me further.

I don't even know how to tell them to be honest.....

Shiny. There will definitely be no more sex. He just wanted to lighten the load, there was no emotion there whatsoever. And he just went on and on, I felt like I should have grabbed my book. I have never felt this way before (we together nearly 30 years in total). That is a long time to be with one person and then just shut them out your life just like that. I keep thinking there must be something wrong with him. Why is he behaving like this, out of character, angry, selfish. Mid life crisis maybe?? But, I am still not making excuses for him as I refuse to be treated like this. I just don't know how someone who was my best friend all these years, can be so different to me now.....

Penfold007 Mon 19-Oct-15 14:39:40

Actually if you need to tell them on your own it will be fine. You are aware of being one sided and if anything you will be over fair towards your H

isthismylifenow Tue 20-Oct-15 06:55:04

You know what? I am sure that some company would pay money for the story of my situation right now, and it would be the best watched soap on the telly.....

Last night stbxh comes home from work in the nicest mood. We actually sat and had a good proper and civil discussion about the way forward, what is going to happen now, I said a few things that he didn't like (all true), but he didn't perform and react. He asked me when I thought things started going wrong in the relationship, I said its never been the same for me since his affair some years back. His response, yes but I was working away then remember...... er, so fucking what. I told him that was the poorest excuse I could think of..... He was away, I was also alone (and dealing with kids home etc) and I didn't just jump into bed with the first bloke that came along. He says, I don't want to talk about that part.

Ok, fine coz I didn't really want to talk about it either as it upsetting and the conversation was going well up till then

So he goes to bed, I watch a bit of tv. We still sleeping in same bed as haven't told dc yet. During the night he wakes me up and says come and have a cuddle, stroking my hair, being affectionate. Then says "do you want to make love".........shock shock. I say no thanks. He says why not. I say I don't want to. He says, well does that mean that's it and never again now. I say yes because you just said a few hours ago that you didn't even enjoy having sex with me. At that point he turns over, his back to me, and now this morning isn't even talking to me.........

What the fuck!!!

This is just ridiculous. He is like a spoiled brat, wants his cake and eat it. As I type this here, you would think I would be upset wouldn't you? Well, I am not really. Its just so ridiculous that I am angry, not upset and just thinking how pathetic this situation is.

He says he viewed the flat yesterday but it was in awful area and too small. So says there's another lined up today to see but its more pricy, so in order to afford it we need to cut off our satellite tv channels to cut costs. I said no, I wont, not now as why should the dc suffer because of this. I suggested he rather cut back by buying less beer and take aways every single day for lunch.............

Fucks sakes. I'm so pissed off.....

I just needed to post something here this morning. As I mentioned I don't have anyone around to talk to about this, so sorry folks its you lot that I am going to have to tell, I just needed to get this off my chest.

JollyGolightly Tue 20-Oct-15 07:02:42

Have you seen a lawyer yet?

You don't have to put up with this any more.

mummytime Tue 20-Oct-15 07:29:13

You need to:
tell your DC - they are teens not tiny children. They know something is wrong. Ideally you do this together, but if he won't co-operate then just you doing it is perfectly fine.
See a solicitor.
Move out of the bedroom - or get him to.
Stop cooking for him, doing his washing etc. etc. It might make him move out faster.
Tell people, and accept all the support you can get.

whatdoIget Tue 20-Oct-15 07:55:22

He clearly doesn't want to leave and is trying to punish you/make you change your mind by making it so the children will lose out in some way, either by him having a small flat where they can't visit him, or by having their sky TVs cut off. He will then tell the children that this is your fault.What a nasty man. Stick to your guns!

ToddlerTantrums Tue 20-Oct-15 08:06:39

You need to get out. This messing with your head will only get worse.
Right now, I think regardless of everything you have told us, you still very much love him and are desperately hoping he will change. You think maybe if you don't push it too far he might see the error of his ways and you can go back to playing happy families. I would say that's the natural way to feel at the end of such a long term relationship.
What you need to do:
Tell your kids. It'll probably be a relief to them as they too will feel the 'am I going mad'
TellSomeone, anyone really, in real life. Telling someone will make it real.
Tell him he's got till X date to get out.
Stop sleeping in the same bed.
And these are going to be harder - Move out of your bedroom. By the sounds of it he won't, or he's do it for one night and be back. You need to make it clear its over
Stop thinking of him as your best friend. He is not your friend. He is a man who has made you miserable.

Good luck. It's so hard leaving a long term relationship. You will feel so much lighter a few months down the line when it's all done and dusted.

fieldfare Tue 20-Oct-15 08:26:33

You need a plan of action! And to stick to it. You're sending mixed messages by sleeping and having sex with him.
Tell the kids, by yourself if necessary, I'm sure they've figured it out anyway and with his behaviour will probably be a huge relief for them.
Go and see a solicitor.
Get all documentation organised and copies lodged with your solicitor.
Make sure your bank accounts are in order and that he can't clear them leaving you with nothing.
Give him a date to be moved out by, a month is kind. Be serious and firm!

I know it's dreadfully upsetting, but for the sake of your mental health and the wellbeing of your kids you must set a plan in place and stick to it. Be brave!

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: