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starting to doubt if I can do this

(9 Posts)
Krustyandthekids Mon 19-Oct-15 08:26:04

Will try and keep it short. DH has decided he doesn't love me anymore (has a history of depression and no model relationship to go from).

We have been together for 12 years and have two DCs. I am absolutely gutted.

We've been having a difficult time: DH got made redundant last year, got himself a new job with a lot less pay and still pressure to pay the mortgage etc; my father died in May so it's all been a bit stressful but this has become this has come as a real shock to me.

He seems so much 'lighter' since telling me and although I'm finding it very difficult I do understand. I am trying to be strong and objective and calm for our children but in reality I am extremely emotional.

The solution that he has come up with for the short term as we cannot live apart due to financial reasons is that he built himself a bedsit type thing in our large workshop in the garden.

This is the part I'm not sure about.

Does anyone have experience of living together after separation, preferably positive, so that I can gain some strength?

Ultimately he hasn't done anything wrong to me and I want the best solution for our two young DCs. I see this as a temporary measure until the spring to give us both a bit of space where we can then make decisions about the future.

Sorry for the long post and thank you so much for your comments.

kateshair Mon 19-Oct-15 09:47:36

No easy was to get through this I don't think. This must be harder for you as he has made this choice..
I was in a similar position years ago and for me it just could not work, my ex wanted to stay living with me in the spare room whilst he was seeing his new partner.. I personally could not deal with that so made him go. Yet he would have stayed quite happily as he was having his end away!
You may be able to deal with it though as different circumstances. What helped me was to detach. Close down joint accounts of you can. Start saving on your own. Make plans with friends and family. Have a definite plan for the future and do your best to stick to it..

AnotherEmma Mon 19-Oct-15 09:51:46

Hmmm. Is he still depressed? Is there any chance of an OW?

If he's depressed and there's no OW I do think this could potentially be fixable provided you get couple's counselling with a good therapist and provided you are both willing to engage with it. However if he's made his decision and doesn't want to try and fix things, there's not much you can do. But in that situation I would personally want him out.

LucyLocketX Mon 19-Oct-15 09:58:59

Get him out. Speaking from bitter experience, prepare yourself for an OW.
Of course he wants to stay. It's better for him but not for you.
The advice to detach is good.
Sorry you're going through this. It's devastating at the time but it does get better.

DoraDymant Mon 19-Oct-15 10:02:46

I have been pondering a similar temporary solution lately; going through months of 'rough patch' and not at all clear if we'll stay together. There are loads of old threads about it - search 'living together after separation' or 'living together apart' for a lot of views- positive and negative. The main impression I got from reading a lot of posts was that it can only work if 1) you are friends and the split is fairly amicable and 2) you are both really committed to being nice to each other and 3) there is an end in sight - so set a time limit from the start. Otherwise it is a recipe for more arguing in front of the DCs, confusing for everyone and v hard on the one being left.

VocationalGoat Mon 19-Oct-15 10:06:45

Bedsit? Really?
To put this incredibly bluntly, sh*t or get off the pot.
A bedsit... where he can bring his new girlfriends back to when enough time and enough water under the bridge passes.
I mean, I am reading kateshair's account of things and I want to slap her ex. What reasonable, level headed woman would move into such a scenario? "I met this great boyfriend. I'm moving in with him... and his ex wife... and their kids." Winning.
OP, in your favour (!!!) I myself went through some real hurdles with my DH and we had broached the topic of divorce. My first reaction was, we could remain where we are. He could move upstairs to the loft conversion. At least this would be less traumatic on all of us. But that's just the fear talking... the fear of a big, upsetting change- both emotionally and financially. Who wants to pack up and sell the home you've built together, your 'secure' hot spot? No one does.

You could do the bedsit thing. Maybe you two, over a period of time, will learn to rebuild your relationship. Maybe you will survive. And if you are left with an empty bedsit, great! You can let it our for extra income.

BUT if DH moves into the bedsit and you find yourself in a similar situation to kateshair, obviously, you'll have to point your (by then) ex DH and the GF towards the exit sign.

I do think your situation is fixable with time, work, and dedication.

lunar1 Mon 19-Oct-15 10:09:45

If he wants to separate then he is going to have to leave, he can't have it both ways. This arrangement sounds a lot like having your cake and eating it on his part.

VocationalGoat Mon 19-Oct-15 10:17:32

And Krusty... hugs! flowers
Sorry if I sounded bitter in my post. It is not directed at you in the least and not intended to make you feel badly. I hope you don't.
Guys, bless 'em, they do love to have their cake and eat it too. confused
But this cake is for you. smile

Krustyandthekids Mon 19-Oct-15 11:26:29

I get the bit about having your cake and eat it but financially there's no other way at the moment.

We are going to Relate this week and I want to make that part of the agreement that we have as I need a safe place to explore feelings and to be able to talk. By safe I don't mean that I feel threatened. Just that I need boundaries.

Pretty certain there's no OW as he rarely goes out but we have agreed that there would be no shenanigans anyway with other people while he's living there. Pretty well think that we would do it off-site because of the kids. Not that I'm thinking that far ahead.

We are committed to being kind to each other. I don't want to lose respect for him and I don't want him to lose respect for me either.

Such a hard situation and I'm trying to make it work for us. I guess different situations work for some people and totally respect and understand that.

Thanks for your responses. I will look up the other threads.

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