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To send MIL a threatening(ish) angry letter. Really angry letter.

(57 Posts)
babarthefuckingelephant Mon 19-Oct-15 02:03:02

Really really bloody angry.
I might not be posting in the right place and this has gone on a long time but basically my partner has recently been through a really really difficult time. He's had to move out of the family home (a mutual agreement whilst he gets better, we continue to function as a family), He's been diagnosed with a personality disorder and made quite a lot of serious suicide attempts including inpatient stays.
This has been apparently going on since he was a teenager and completely ignored by MIL, She is a very high earner, works from home, controls all the money so FIL DP and BIL maybe get £10 per week. She is extremely violent but comes across as if butter wouldn't melt. I was completely unaware of any of this for the first year of our relationship. When DP started to have suicidal thoughts again she would just ignore him and make him feel really guilty. He is mid (to late) 20s and has never even had his own mobile phone (lived on his own but she's that bad, He's only got one this year). She would have violent outbursts around me and our son and then lie to her partner (who she beats), she assaulted me and my son earlier this year quite publicly in the street and I mean forceful punching completely unprovoked which was all witnessed and reported to the police but I didn't press charges at the time because I was in such shock and confusion (I wasn't aware of all of the other things). I maybe still could. The whole pregnancy she told DP that I was probably cheating on him and the baby wouldn't be his, She stopped him from coming to the hospital or tried to anyway, she told him he had to stay at her house after the assault and banned him (mid to late 20s, professionals) from using the internet to connect with his family saying she turned it off to save money and from using the phone at all saying what if someone needed to call me? She wouldn't let him visit his newborn daughter and would get incredibly violent if he did but at this point DP was only just starting to open up about her so I didn't know much of it. He called her when he was really desperate asking if he could borrow some money and explaining he had tried to kill himself a few times and she said no, that she would love to but his dad wouldn't be happy about it (obviously his dad was out at the time she would never say that if he was there), She told him if he wanted any money at all he would have to go back and live with them and she wanted to meet his psychologist so the psychologist could persuade him to go back.

I wrote her a really well worded but obviously angry letter earlier tonight detailing in it everything she has done and every which way she has assaulted, abused and blackmailed us as a family (I do have proof of everything i wrote). I put what I thought about how upsetting it was for all of us and how no mother treats their child like that, that normal women don't have to beat their men to keep them there and that normal mothers don't have to abuse their children just to get by. That other people have probably noticed too as comments had been made to us when we moved out of our last house and that if she didn't leave us alone I will seek a court injunction and make sure people did know what she was like, that they aren't my secrets to keep and that I hope she can't sleep at night or look at herself in the mirror. I haven't sworn at all in it or called names or anything but its extremely emotional and angry and I really felt like i needed to just get it all out. But I also feel like a part of me needs to send it to her because I do want her to be worried people might find out, I do want her to know what sort of consequences she's brought on us. But can I legally? Dp says yes as he won't see or speak to them and its been that way for a while but she's nuts and she won't leave us alone. This is sort of my last move before going back to the police but i don't really know what to say to them. This will get me into trouble won't it? Ive never even had a speeding ticket what do i do?

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes Mon 19-Oct-15 02:09:07

Don't send it.

She'll read four lines and get irate. Possibly take it out on someone else.

And what's the point?

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes Mon 19-Oct-15 02:10:43

You can get a restraining order.

That will speak volumes.

babarthefuckingelephant Mon 19-Oct-15 02:14:49

I know kingjoffrey, i just wish she knew the impact her shitty childrearing has had on a whole family. When our children are asking where daddy is at night and he doesn't feel safe enough to be at home because he's still trying to deal with the acceptance that he was abused so awfully. Ive never felt this much anger at one person.

Fuckitfay Mon 19-Oct-15 02:15:28

Don't send it. Nothing good will come of it. It won't make her realise anything or change her ways at all and I agree with kingjoffrey she probably won't read past the first few lines. Make a much more powerful statement by you and your partner cutting her out and making your own independent lives.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 19-Oct-15 02:20:02

Don't send it.

Go back to the police and take your dp with you so that he can catalogue the years of physical and emotional abuse he's suffered at the hands of his dm.

babarthefuckingelephant Mon 19-Oct-15 02:22:35

goddessofsmallthings if he did that would they actually be interested in doing anything or would it just be brushed off as something that happened in the past? We have been talking a lot recently about how to try and protect his dad but he's way too scared to leave. She controls all the money and doesn't let him have a bank account or mobile phone, she has all ID documents in a locked safe ect

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 19-Oct-15 02:30:12

Another one saying don't send it. People like her will never accept they're in the wrong, so it would achieve nothing except greater enmity from her to you.

His Dad by now will be a Stockholm syndrome victim - he'll never leave even with the opportunity. He had the potential to have stopped the abuse of your DH and his siblings when he was young, and didn't do anything then - he won't do anything now. Leave him to it, you can't help him unless he asks for help.

I think you can still press charges against his mother if you should wish to, if it's within a year - not sure what the time limit is on assault, but it shouldn't be less than a year, at least!

And your DH might, in the end, not want to press charges against her for abuse but should certainly be able to take out a restraining order against her for himself and the rest of your family.

Then go NC with the lot of them.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 19-Oct-15 02:30:40

Sorry, by the lot of them I mean his mother and father, not your DH!!

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 19-Oct-15 02:32:09

And I'd put in a request to get this shifted out of AIBU to Relationships as quickly as possible.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 19-Oct-15 02:45:38

Were the police responsive when you reported her assault on you and your dc? I would advise you to check with the police whether it is now too late for them to take action, which should provide you with opportunity to outline your concerns about the historic dv your dp has sustained and that which continues to be inflicted on his db and df.

I also suggest that your dp makes contact with the Men's Advice Line helpline 0808 801 0327 Monday–Friday 10am-1pm and 2pm-5pm
email: info@mensadviceline.org.uk so that he can chat with an advisor before the pair of you decide the most appropriate way to proceed - which is most definitely not in writing to any party.

Jenny70 Mon 19-Oct-15 02:53:18

Don't send it. At best she will laugh at it, and give her ammunition to the family that you are "against" her. At worst she can take it out on you, your DH or his Dad... getting VERY nasty.

First you need to protect yourself and your children from her. Go no contact, change phone numbers, change locks if she has keys, do not engage with her at all. Not even to reply to accusations, pleas, threats (although take them to the police). I suggest a call to police about this might be worthwhile, especially about the assault/restraining order, know what they can and can't do for you if she won't leave you alone. Remove her from your life completely, she is not the kind of person your children need in their life, nor you.

Then DH, obviously he is in a fragile mental state and has copped this abuse for his whole life and has limited coping skills to deal with her. Where is he living? Would/should he come home if he felt safe from her? Or is he better to be where he is healing and helping himself, then deal with the mother issue? This will be hard as he has put up with this his whole life and knows no different. Counselling might help him see that this is not how a mother should be. In his fragile state I might suggest he cut contact too, any boundaries he sets for her won't be respected, so would he agree to cutting her out whilst he focusses on his own health?

Finally his father, this one will depend on him being willing to want the change... if he won't stand up to her there is NOTHING you can do. Any steps you take will be undermined by him, he is probably too conditioned to leave her, and you can't make him do anything. Whilst terrible and wrong, he is a grown man. Only hope is that by going no contact, you could reach out to him and offer him a refuge where he can go to, not to be within her influence. But chances are he won't want to leave, he will be too scared/conditioned to accept it, but ultimately you can't make him. If he wants to leave, the money, the phone the docs aren't important, he can get copies from the authorities, he can set up new bank account, he can get benefits paid into his own account, he can get a financial settlement from her through lawyers. He can walk out with only the shirt on his back and survive with your help, not easy but better than staying under her toxic influence. If he wants to stay, it will be hard for you to stay in touch (she will find out about meetings, emails, etc), and ultimately this is a choice he makes...

ToastedOrFresh Mon 19-Oct-15 03:12:19

Sorry to say this but don't send it. Easy for me to say I'm not as boiling furious as you are.

As a pp has said she will use it as ammunition. I'm going to have break it to you gently...she does not care what you think or feel. Never will.

You will regret showing her your hand so to speak. Her behaviour will not change. Not now, not ever.

Keep yourself safe. By that I mean calm and peaceful. Again, easy for me to say I'm not boiling furious, upset and bewildered. Save to say I have been in similar circumstances. Fortunately lessons were learned (by those who could learn them).

You won't believe me but, in a years' time or even ten years time you will be glad you didn't send that letter. You might be glad you wrote it, just grateful to yourself that you didn't send it.

littlefrenchonion Mon 19-Oct-15 03:13:41

For the good of your family, can you get up and go entirely without telling anyone? New city, new county even, new address? It sounds as if you both need to start afresh and leave her shadow far, far behind. It would be a big thing for you all to do obviously, but just think! You would all be free once and for all. Gosh, she sounds like a nasty piece of work.

MiscellaneousAssortment Mon 19-Oct-15 03:18:23

The trouble with sending that type of letter is that even if you're writing to try and change the situation, you're actually tapping into her dominance and right to decide reality for her family.

By writing the letter you're saying 'dh's mother, I appeal to you to change the reality and future of your slaves, and as leader its up to you to decide and change/ not change as you see fit'. You'll be begging her to give her son away, let him escape... And I'm pretty sure you don't want her to get that power thrill,

Truly dealing with this situation involves getting away and refusing to get sucked in anymore, and that means your DP, not you pulling him.

You can't win against an abuser at their own game, where they invent the rules, the scoring and what to play for... the only way to win is to stop playing and walk away.

I hope your DP has the strength to do that, and you have the strength to keep supporting him but with that fine balance between supporting vs doing it for him - don't be a rescuer, it's not a great role to play in life. And I hope that there's room for you and your needs in this dysfunctional situation.

Good luck op.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe Mon 19-Oct-15 03:45:13

First of all, you won't get in trouble with the police for sending her and angry letter, providing you don't threaten to harm her in any way or word in in a way that could be construed as blackmail. That doesn't necessarily mean you should send it though.

Sorry to nitpick and it's not that I don't believe you but I am really confused about some of your points.

He's had to move out of the family home (a mutual agreement whilst he gets better, we continue to function as a family)

Where has he gone? Not back to his mother's I hope?

She is a very high earner, works from home, controls all the money so FIL DP and BIL maybe get £10 per week.

If your DP is a mid to late 20s professional, why is he needing to have money controlled and rationed by his mother? confused And his brother? Does he not have a job?

He is mid (to late) 20s and has never even had his own mobile phone (lived on his own but she's that bad, He's only got one this year)

Again, how on earth has a grown man of professional standing who lives with his partner and his children, allowed his mother to control whether or not he has access to a mobile phone all these years? confused

She stopped him from coming to the hospital or tried to anyway, she told him he had to stay at her house after the assault and banned him (mid to late 20s, professionals) from using the internet to connect with his family saying she turned it off to save money and from using the phone at all saying what if someone needed to call me? She wouldn't let him visit his newborn daughter and would get incredibly violent if he did

Why on earth was he allowing this to happen to him? How can she demand that he stay there instead of in his own home? And where was your son at this point, while you were in hospital and your DP was being bossed around at home by mummy? She's infantalising him in the most awful way - and he's letting her. Was he already very ill at this point? What is her issue with you? It sounds like she thinks you are really bad news for some reason and that in her own warped way she thinks she's trying to protect him from you.

He called her when he was really desperate asking if he could borrow some money and explaining he had tried to kill himself a few times and she said no, that she would love to but his dad wouldn't be happy about it (obviously his dad was out at the time she would never say that if he was there), She told him if he wanted any money at all he would have to go back and live with them and she wanted to meet his psychologist so the psychologist could persuade him to go back.

After all she's done, why would he call her and ask her, instead of speaking to his dad and seeing if his dad could persuade her? Why is he even asking at all?

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe Mon 19-Oct-15 03:48:29

But regardless of any of the above, I agree with Jenny about the way forward and that you should get a restraining order. Cut her out of your lives totally.

aBrightNewDay Mon 19-Oct-15 03:49:03

Why does your 'mid to late 20s' DP get pocket money off his mother?

confused

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 19-Oct-15 04:36:31

I think the answer to all your questions, leave, is that he has been abused and controlled by his mother his entire life, it hasn't yet crossed his mind that he doesn't have to do what she says. Conditioning, isn't it.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe Mon 19-Oct-15 04:45:21

I would agree with you Thumb to a point, except I fail to understand how a man who has been conditioned to the extent that he did not permit himself to own a mobile phone or to make his own decisions about anything, ever ended up leaving the house long enough to have a relationship and a couple of children in the first place. confused

Fuckitfay Mon 19-Oct-15 04:46:23

I read this and initially wondered why the DP was allowing his mother to control him. Then I reread it imagining this was a poster saying her husband was violent and abusive and controlling. I can't imagine so many questions about why a spouse was handing over her earnings as demanded by a violent partner or why appease a controlling partner by acceding to a demand to not have a mobile phone. It would be understood that those suffering abuse do not find it easy to stand up for themselves. The answer is surely that the DP is very fearful and controlled by his mother. I would imagine a poster in a marital relationship would get a lot of support and encouragement about how to leave the abusive relationship. It sounds like the Dp needs that same support, he was
brought up a violent abusive controlling parent and even though he is in his mid to late 20s has still not managed to break free. It is likely to be even harder to break free of this with a parent when this is all you have known all your life.

Fuckitfay Mon 19-Oct-15 04:47:11

Cross post with Thumb

WheresMyBurrito Mon 19-Oct-15 05:06:05

Re the mobile phone - I took it to mean that he hasn't had one by choice to avoid his mother contacting him so easily. Obv could be wrong though.

toastyarmadillo Mon 19-Oct-15 06:16:55

I would report the historic abuse to the police so it is on record, for no other reason other than to ensure she would not get custody or access of/to your children if anything happened to you and dp.

BoffinMum Mon 19-Oct-15 06:20:16

The moment you send a letter like that, you have given her all the power. A restraining order is, I think, a much more empowering option.

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