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My DP has put a lot of weight on.

(114 Posts)
Cleansheetsandbedding Sun 18-Oct-15 21:47:31

I sound horrible.

He has put quite a few stone on and is classed as obese. He has poor health because of this weight, bad hips and joints, always thirsty (because of his addiction to sugary drinks) can't play his sports any more.

He has got really lazy, won't go to the gym any more. It's a waste of a direct debit every month. Ive tried talking to him about what he is doing to his body as in higher chances of heart attack or diabetes and he always promises to do somthing about it.

I cook very healthy meals for him and meals to take to work so he isn't eating shit but come weekend he just gorges on crap. I just went down stairs and he was cooking a pack of noodles less than an hour after eating a huge Sunday dinner (he cooked it) and pudding and Ice scream he is Massively over eating and buying shit food in and giving it to our two year old (fucking sherbet dip, chocolate) I need him to take responsibility for his own health.

I don't fancy him any more and he knows as he always says 'you don't fancy me anymore' but I can't admit it as I don't want to hurt him and end up saying i do.

He is such a handsome bloke but I didn't choose to go out with someone that is nearly 20 stone. (That's sounds really mean)

I keep myself in shape, so I think he is being really selfish not to even try.

I don't want to leave because other than him not giving a shit about himself he is kind, generous, thoughtful, funny, loving, brilliant father I could write a million good points about him but I don't want to fall in to a relationship where I'm not sexually attracted to my lover.

We have talked about this a million times and now immat the point where you lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

I don't know what to say or do to make him realise he has to make a change for us both.

Any ideas?

Blue2014 Sun 18-Oct-15 21:50:26

Maybe you need to tell him that you don't fancy him anymore? It's really ok not be attracted to him (and I say this as the one in my relationship who has put the weight on)

Imbroglio Sun 18-Oct-15 21:52:32

Do you think he might be a bit depressed?

WitchWay Sun 18-Oct-15 21:53:43

He might not be thirsty because of the sugary drinks - he might be diabetic - he needs to take a urine sample to the GP for testing.

FWIW I don't fancy my husband these days - he isn't fat but makes himself unattractive to me in all sorts of ways sad he knows this, thinks I'm gorgeous, but does nothing about it. Sigh.

molyholy Sun 18-Oct-15 21:55:11

I agree with blue. You need to tell him uyou don't fancy him. It's horrible and I wouldn't like to be in your shoes but for all the health reasons you have stated, you should tell him.

Cleansheetsandbedding Sun 18-Oct-15 21:55:29

I don't think I could say that out right. He would see that as me wanting to end things. Plus he knows , like he has said to dd in the past on one of the very few occasions 'I'm going to the gym do your mum fancies me again '

Some times i get quite cross because he knows but doesn't care enough to do somthing about it

Cleansheetsandbedding Sun 18-Oct-15 21:58:32

I don't think he is depressed. He is like the class clown.

Might be an idea about the urine sample though witch . The GP told him off last time he was there. He has put five stone on in four years

oneowlgirl Sun 18-Oct-15 22:02:37

That definitely sounds like type 2 diabetes so would really recommend him visiting the GP.

It does sound like you need to have a conversation with him to try to understand what's going on.

Cleansheetsandbedding Sun 18-Oct-15 22:12:59

I've talked to him loads about. Gentle, cajoling, annoyed even getting upset and he always agrees and promises change but a few days later it's full on binge mode.

feel like I'm talking to a brick wall and actually feel like saying that there is no more sex until he sorts his shit out

Friendlystories Sun 18-Oct-15 22:21:34

You've probably tried all these but maybe try and get him to start doing something active with you, might motivate him a bit more if you were doing it together rather than just him going to the gym? Martial arts, swimming, get a dog for long walks as a family? Something that feels a bit more like a fun, family activity rather than just exercise might work better and be more appealing to him. If it upsets you when he does stuff like the noodle incident let him see it upsets you, have a teary rant at him about how scared you are that he's shortening his life for the sake of food and risking leaving you and DC with no partner/dad far too young because he's eaten himself into an early grave. I don't think a bit of emotional blackmail would hurt under these circumstances, you have to make him see what he's doing somehow. Would he let you come with him for a diabetes check/general mot with the GP? Might give you chance to air your concerns and hopefully get some back up from the doctor. Telling him you don't find him attractive anymore is probably a last resort from what you've said so give some of the other suggestions on the thread a go first, if none of them work it might be the only weapon left in your armoury.

Cleansheetsandbedding Sun 18-Oct-15 22:26:09

fern I've tried and said all that. angry

Friendlystories Sun 18-Oct-15 22:35:08

What does he say when you ask him whether it worries him what he's doing to his health? If he can see the issue do you point it out at the time if he starts bingeing again? Have you suggested he sees the doc about his inability to control the bingeing? I definitely think the diabetes check needs doing, doesn't diabetes make you feel abnormally hungry as well as thirsty? Think the GP is your next port of call Cleansheets, will he let you go with him do you think?

Cleansheetsandbedding Sun 18-Oct-15 22:40:29

I don't know but I will ask. He has a friend who is very over weight and I think he doesn't think it's thst bad because he is not as big. I think there is a bit of denial.

When I get upset about his health he says 'I know, I know, I promise to do somthing' which he does for a few days then completely falls off. So it's like I'm completely nagging him all the time so sometimes I just ignore it for my own sanity,

RealHuman Sun 18-Oct-15 22:47:43

The metabolic changes that lead to type 2 diabetes can cause hunger, weight gain, lethargy, and cravings for carbohydrates. For some people, this can lead to a vicious cycle where they eat more, put more weight on, and worsen the diabetes.

The excessive thirst, the constant overeating of carbs, and possibly the gym avoidance (maybe from tiredness) could all point to someone with type 2 - he really needs to check this out.

It's really scary because with all the media focus on lifestyle causing type 2, it can feel like you're being blamed for your illness, but for some people who are normal weight or only mildly overweight, the diabetes comes first and the weight gain follows.

BetaTest Sun 18-Oct-15 22:50:53

Sit him down and tell him straight. He needs to go to the GP.

His 'thirst' is not thirst. Drinking sugary drink may be slowly killing him with diabetes.

Make him read this NHS web page now.

Type 2 Diabetes

Show him this sentence:

"Type 2 diabetes is often associated with obesity and tends to be diagnosed in older people."

Show him this paragraph:

"Diabetes can cause serious long-term health problems. It's the most common cause of vision loss and blindness in people of working age.
Diabetes is also responsible for most cases of kidney failure and lower limb amputation (other than accidents).

People with diabetes are up to five times more likely to have cardiovascular disease (such as a stroke) than those without diabetes."

overthemill Sun 18-Oct-15 22:53:08

Get him to the GP? He will be making himself I'll. He sounds like he needs help

PeppasNanna Mon 19-Oct-15 00:11:56

Op. I totally appreciate how you feel. My dp has gone from 36 waist to 46...hes way over 20 stone. All the food in our house is healthy so dp does things like buy a couple of packets of biscuits & will eat them straight after his dinner.
I always do active stuff with the dcs on his weekends off but he wont come along or join in.

When he has a heart attack or stroke i wont look after him. I have told him this out of desperation.

Ultimately hes an adult. He chooses to have an unhealthy lifestyle...

Florriesma Mon 19-Oct-15 00:22:23

Don't tell him anything. Do it a different way. As it stands you tell him he's unhealthy he agrees, feels guilty and does something about it for a few days. He isn't self motivating or taking responsibility here.
Next time the subject comes up, you take the silent role and let him fill the gaps. Look up motivational interviewing.

Yanbu btw and agree he needs to get checked. Some chemists do a blood sugar screen. He may go there if he's avoiding the gp.

CarpetDiem Mon 19-Oct-15 00:56:10

Am I missing something here?
He's put on a load of weight. Ignores the fact you are health conscious & make him and his family healthy meals. He's not bright enough to take the responsibility of going to GP for a piss test for Diabetes. You do not fancy him. You feel too down trodden to tell him this. Plus: he is a feeder to you two year old undermining your good work?
Get a grip.

minimalistaspirati0ns Mon 19-Oct-15 01:37:23

Why is he eating? Is it boredom?

ToastedOrFresh Mon 19-Oct-15 02:18:04

He's embarrassed to be so big. He hides his emotions in food. He's embarrassed because you don't fancy him anymore because he's so big. He hides his emotions in food.

The 'feel good factor' that comes after eating is calming. Unfortunately an overweight or person who overeats triggers this by eating more and more.

Him cooking noodles straight after Sunday dinner was just to keep the feel good factor going. Also, to fill the emptiness of Sunday night with nothing in prospect but Monday morning.

Could you agree some weight loss or exercise targets together. He almost finds it funny that you don't find him attractive anymore.

Unfortunately, overeating can be a form of self abuse. What's making him angry ? As a pp has asked, is he bored ? Some people use food to stuff down their emotions or deal with difficult emotions. The act of putting food in your mouth, is in itself a calming gesture.

It's also hard (speaking from experience) to put down a packet of food until it's finished.

Is there an element of defiance to his overweight ? As in, 'I know you don't fancy me, so why bother cutting back ?' Ask him candidly is there a reason why he's pushing you away ?

What is it about him that just wants to act like victim ? Some relationships end because of alcohol issues, thus giving the alcoholic another reason to be a victim and really ramp up the alcohol misuse.

I mean, he doesn't have to hit the gym. Just not deliberately overeat. Unfortunately, food becomes your friend and your enemy. Well as it goes food is neither, these are the emotions that become involved.

I do a commercial hypnotherapy meditation daily. It calms me and connects me back to my normal appetite so I eat through genuine hunger and stop eating when I feel full. It's nice to be genuinely pleasantly full and totally lose interest in food and eating until the next time I feel genuinely hungry. Not starving hungry, just normal genuine hunger.

I comfort eat and it's a useful tool so that I'm calmed and not by food. Basically, once the emotional 'noise' is out of the way, my physiological hunger can be satisfied.

itsbetterthanabox Mon 19-Oct-15 09:50:16

It is his body.
You don't get to control it. This isn't your problem. And you can't just say he doesn't give a shit about himself because he eats differently to you. This isn't about you. You say you 'keep in shape' for him. Our bodies are our own not for other people. He shouldn't have to change himself to what you have decided is attractive.

TheoriginalLEM Mon 19-Oct-15 10:01:34

^that. really.
i know its worrying but it isn't your body or your choice.

nagging away at him will ruin his self esteem and then its a vicious circle.

maybe organise some family activities thst you can all do together so it doesn't feel like exercise.

me and my dp have started running. its quite competirve between is. I weigh 14 stone hmm and he weighs 15 so we both need to lose weight. Now we are enjoying running we are trying to lose the weight to help us run further. Fat people CAN run (or ride a bike) you need decent running shoes and you're away.

cancel the gym membership. you wouldn't get me within a mile of a gym! I do however run 5k twice a week and 10k once a week. i weigh 14 stone but the running is shifting it.

Seeyounearertime Mon 19-Oct-15 10:10:14

I have to wonder if this thread was started by a man about a woman would the responses be the same?
"I don't fancy my overweight wife anymore"
I don't think people would be as readily saying to tell her you don't fancy her, tearily rant at her for eating etc.

I would suggest OPs OH is possibly depressed. Just because he's "class clown" doesn't mean there's not an issue underneath. I think he needs a diabetes test but also a chat to his GP about depression etc.
Unfortunately it's not something you can badger someone into, but you can explain calmly why you'd like him to do it, maybe in a letter or email?

ShortandSweeter Mon 19-Oct-15 12:12:08

maybe he's stopped fancying you because he thinks you're being selfish and thus doesn't care that you don't fancy him. Cyclical issue maybe.

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