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Really need help, detaching from an emtionaly vampire/manipulator

(9 Posts)
RandomMess Sun 18-Oct-15 19:50:16

Teen girl has been dumped by boyfriend and within a few days he has a new gf however is still dumping all is emotional shit on her and she's completely sucked in and feels responsible for his happiness, can't cut contact because he needs her etc.

Background is that he is controlling and seems to be an emotional vampire, cut her off from her friends etc.

They've both gone to uni and his justification is that she is spending time working and not giving him enough undivided attention on Skype etc.

Any suggestions of shorter articles that I could email/post of facebook on "real" friendship/love, detaching from an ex most gratefully received.

It's a tight walk between helping her have enough self-esteem (she has food issues) and not criticising him or she just shuts down.

Help sad

springydaffs Sun 18-Oct-15 20:59:37

I take it this is your daughter? Poor you, if so. Poor her sad

He sounds like a frighteningly controlling 'man'. I don't know of any specific info you could access except perhaps Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That?' That covers every base - but it's a book, not a short read. I'd still send it to her, though.

The Freedom Programme would be a good port of call but it is highly unlikely she will sign up for that. I look forward to the day when the Freedom Programme is adapted for young ppl and taught as schools and universities. Bcs abusive relationships are on the rise among young ppl.

I don't know if it would be a plan to contact the uni about this. She would hate it of course - it would seem like a betrayal - and ime a similar move on my part spectacularly backfired (the uni were suspicious and hostile towards me). But at least the uni got to know the situation for further reference. This could well overshadow her entire uni career if things don't change.

It has all the hallmarks of addiction. If she has an eating disorder she will not be unfamiliar with that dynamic, sadly.

RandomMess Sun 18-Oct-15 21:04:29

Not my dd and if I do tell her Mum I think she'll stop confiding sad

I was so relieved when he ditched her that it was over only he still hasn't f*cked Off angry

springydaffs Sun 18-Oct-15 21:05:29

The uni told my dc i had been in contact FYI.

RandomMess Sun 18-Oct-15 21:09:36

Urgh, hopefully he'll disappear and stop contacting her. What a sh*t start to uni for her.

She's not close enough to pop and visit for a day - arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

lavenderhoney Sun 18-Oct-15 21:20:38

Baggage reclaim website link?

Has she any nice friends at uni? Or can she call and skype you?
I sent my nephew £50 when he started uni and stipulated it had to be spent on hobbies and the student uni bar, and joining clubs. Not books and foodsmile

He sounds a fuckwit and hopefully will piss off for good. Unfortunately he sounds the type to keep coming back when single or looking for an ego boost. She needs to get very busy very fast and make to most of uni and her work.

springydaffs Sun 18-Oct-15 21:24:14

If she is confiding in you then you are in a position to influence. She may not appear to register what you've said at the time but it will go in on some level...

Perhaps if you have something negative to say about him you could say it without passion, as a statement. Not forceful but quietly unemotional?

RandomMess Sun 18-Oct-15 21:25:22

No friends yet, only been there 2 weeks! Has been phoning etc.

Will go look at that website and see if I think she'll look at it.

Her parents are lovely and are aware of her food issues and worry about her but not seen the controlling side of the boyfriend, the "playful" hitting, unpleasant comments about parts of her body etc. angry

springydaffs Sun 18-Oct-15 22:10:50

Oh no <groan>

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