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I don't know how to go on?

(25 Posts)
oxcat1 Sat 17-Oct-15 18:28:39

At the start of August, my husband of 9 years (relationship of 16; sadly no children) suddenly up and left. He said it was all too late, it had been over for a while etc etc, but even a week or so before we were having fun, laughing and joking etc. He told me then that he 'had feelings' for my best friend, who had been living with us for nearly 2 years, but had moved out just before. Since then we have met about once a week just for an hour or so, and he's said that he needs to work on straightening himself out (he's started taking anti-depressants and is seeing a counsellor), doesn't know where he'll be in 6 months etc. I have taken all of these as signs that there was hope: he even said things like "there is nothing we have done that cannot be undone" (in relation to me claiming benefits alone and him opening a personal bank account).
But this week I learnt, and then he confirmed, that he is now going out with our old housemate. He says he is "taking it slow", but 2 months after a 9 year marriage is not slow to me.

I am heartbroken. I cannot stop crying. It feels as raw as the day he left, and yet now there is no hope. I am so frightened of being alone for my birthday later this month, then fireworks (a big deal as I have spent most of them in hospital but we did manage to go to a display last year and we both adore autumn evenings), and then, worst of all, Christmas, which I have always found incredibly difficult since my mum died when I was a teenager and me and my relationship with my dad became very strained, and we are now estranged. My only relative is my brother, but he booked long ago to spend his first married Christmas abroad.

I am so distraught. And beyond despair. Everything reminds me of him. I cannot imagine a world without him. Everyone says I must move on, for me, but I feel there is no meaningful 'me' without him. I have got anti-anxiety and anti-depressants from the GP, but I feel so destroyed by this new discovery. I thought he would come back, but now I see how unlikely that is. My world has collapsed and I don't know how anyone has the strength to carry on.

Malamutes Sat 17-Oct-15 18:38:52

Oxcat, firstly I am so sorry this is happening, you already sound like such a lovely, trusting person but sadly your DH is a complete arse.

How dare he carry on with your best mate, who has been living with you! Be angry, very, very angry. Do not despair, have hope, be strong and have the life you deserve without this complete and utter wanker.

Malamutes Sat 17-Oct-15 18:43:13

I will calm down now and try and help, your post resonates with me so much. My DH had sex with my BF when she babysat our DSs, I was upstairs asleep. Double betrayal. I do understand your pain.

You need to talk to your RL friends and family and get them round to give you the hugs that you need and the reassurance that if course there is hope and in actual fact you have your whole future in front of you and you must choose to make it a happy one.

You are in control of your actions, make them positive, choose a wonderful life!

sofato5miles Sat 17-Oct-15 18:47:45

Why not plan an alternative Christmas? Do you have money for an eco trip or historical tour? If not, volunteering at home. Make a plan so that you are not agonising over it for the next two months.

Get angry but most of all remember that this too shall pass.

oxcat1 Sat 17-Oct-15 18:55:18

The problem that I have with most practical alternative things that I could do over Christmas is that I am recovering from very severe (thought to be terminal: we have been through a lot!) just earlier this year but rediagnosed. I am much stronger, and now able to manage without my wheelchair inside, but I struggle alone outside, and the amount of medication that I need for just an overnight stay makes travel alone almost impossible. I am in receipt of 24 hour care, and carers will come to me, but that just feels so hopeless.

As I said, i struggle to see the worth to my life now: everything was always more fun with him, and now he has chosen someone else. Apparently the plans were for after my death, but with the radical change in prognosis, things took a sudden change, hence the overnight switch rom

oxcat1 Sat 17-Oct-15 18:55:58


Overnight switch from "I love you" to "I love her".

Phoenix69 Sat 17-Oct-15 19:28:12

It is utterly horrible that he has chosen now to leave but you must get help from friends as soon as possible. Do you have any mutual friends( apart from her) that can talk to him?

Failing that seek professional help to try to get some sort of closure in your head.

oxcat1 Sat 17-Oct-15 19:44:15

i have been trying so hard to get professional help, as sadly we have no friends around here - which is sort of why this one stood out so much in her kindness during my illness.

Relate refused to see me after a few sessions as they said that they were 'not the right service'. The GP referred me to the Wellbeing Team, but she discharged me as being 'not ready' and needing something more (which I agree with, as 3 x 30mins was not going to help), and then the GP referred me to MIND for counselling, but they have a long waiting list and also said the grief was 'too raw'. Unfortunately, it hasn't changed. I suspect I have long-standing attachment issues, stemming from the death of my mum and then the way my dad used to disappear for ages an tried o kill himself. DH said I suffocated him, and I probably did, but I am beyond broken now he has gone. I look at other people amd wonder how anyone has the strength ot get through day after day when the light is gone?

Malamutes Sat 17-Oct-15 20:24:11

Oxcat, you sound so desperately sad, where are you?

I have seen an excellent councillor recently, it was so cathartic to talk to someone who didn't know me and my background and could simply listen and eventually I was able to accept that although the my marriage was over it was not my fault and I would get through it and be a happier person at the end. I am currently at the start of this journey.

If you are alone in your part of the country is there someone you could phone? Reach out to a friend / family member? You need support and I hope you can find it. I'm not going anywhere. M x

Phoenix69 Sat 17-Oct-15 20:40:12

Keep pestering the GP for help. You do need it. That's what it is there for.

oxcat1 Sat 17-Oct-15 20:44:42

I am desperately sad. If i could disappear and just stop 'being', I would. I cannot face life without the man that I truly believed to be the best in the world. Sure, there might be others, but how will I ever forget that I promised to love this one til death us do part?

I have tried Samaritans, who replied in my darkest hour, but I feel too weak to call RL friends as I literally cannot talk about it without crying. And many don't know. How do I start?

springydaffs Sat 17-Oct-15 20:47:00

I am so sorry you are facing such terrible loss, oxcat flowers

I assume you are in receipt of DLA? Look at the BACP website to research therapists in your area. I mean by this to pay for therapy yourself. Most therapists offer a sliding fee scale (just ask) if £ is a problem. Sadly, NHS mental health funding is not good - plus the quality of counseling/therapy it's not good ime - so it would anyway be better to secure counselling yourself.

I also experienced a terrible loss involving multiple betrayals and I do know the depths of despair involved. I really would say the best healer and hope is time. I didn't think it was possible to get over such a savage loss but I am slowly recovering from very dark times. Do all you can to get people around you and to occupy your time - document aims for the day (even if the only aim is to clean your teeth!) and live one day at a time. There are many people on the planet who at this moment are negotiating deep despair so you are not alone.

Take care.

springydaffs Sat 17-Oct-15 20:53:40

I would also take with a pinch of salt his assertion you were 'suffocating him' hmm

He's justifying the horrible thing he has done. By blaming you. Beyond vile.

Anger is your friend - but ime the anger was a long time coming as I was in deep shock for quite a while.

Malamutes Sat 17-Oct-15 21:02:16

Oxcat, you are not alone. Countless people have and will go through this. You will be day, I know it is tough as I have been there. Call a friend if unable to because of your tears then text or email.

He clearly is not the man you thought he was, he does not deserve your love. I promise in time it will get better in the meantime I suggest snuggling up in bed in your warmest PJs and thinking tomorrow will be the day I take back my life. M x

Phoenix69 Sat 17-Oct-15 21:06:38

You must call RL friends and ask for help. They will be so wanting to help if they knew. Don't Worry about asking for help. Please do.

As malamutes says snuggle up and tomorrow will be the day.

pinktransit Sat 17-Oct-15 21:13:02

Can you say where you are?
If you're close to me (I'm in Woking, Surrey) then I'll pop round with coffee/cake and tissues.
Call friends - that's what they are there for, and as PP have said, they'd want to help.
You can get through this, I promise - it might be minute by minute, then hour by hour, then day by day, but you can.

Sending you strength and hugs. x

Malamutes Sat 17-Oct-15 21:30:40

Hello again! Fed up with rugby here and I have taken my own advice and gone to bed in best PJs, pint of water and lemon and MN for next hour or so. Let me know how you are, happy to chat random stuff it that might help.......just know you are not alone Oxcat. M x

Malamutes Sun 18-Oct-15 07:56:56

Hi oxcat, how are you this morning? Hopefully tucked up in bed having sweet dreams. I'm out for the morning but will check in later. M x

oxcat1 Sun 18-Oct-15 13:43:39

Oh bother - I posted a long reply earlier and thought it had posted but it's disappeared. Grrr.

I wanted to thank you all. You are so kind to me. I did go to bed early and watched various things on the telly, but I just can't get it out of my head for a minute.

I have to decide what to do about moving. I have to move from where I am as a) it is too big (it had space for my housemte and child, as well as DH and I), b) it is much too expensive, and c) the landlord has put it on the market. I have found somewhere else and paid the referencing fee, but not yet the deposit. The lease is 6 months, and because I am only on benefits, the landlord is insisting that the rent is paid up-front as a lump sum every 6 months (fortunately my brother will help me out with the first).

But the thing is, I have no reason to stay in this area anymore. We moved here for DH's work, and although trying very hard, we never made any friends - except the one who's taken my husband! I have little to do and no work keeping me here, but I do receive 24 hour care, and obviously all the care and funding is arranged and funded for this area, so I can't up and move as easily as anyone else. But I was truly only staying because I thought we had hope. I thought he would come back to me, once he had worked through this ridiculous roller-coaster of emotions that this last year or so has provided. To be told you're dying, and make plans for that, and then to learn you're not, does mess things a little, but I didn't expect him to move on like this.

I wish now that I had died as anticipated, as at least I would have believed he loved me still.
Sorry to sound morbid - i just find it so hard and don't think I can ever be as strong as you are.

category12 Sun 18-Oct-15 14:55:42

Can your brother help you move back to an area where you have family/friends instead? The caring and funding can be rearranged.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 18-Oct-15 15:27:48

"But I feel too weak to call RL friends as I literally cannot talk about it without crying. And many don't know. How do I start"

Call one friend. It doesn't matter if you cry. You are in the most intense pain imaginable and if you were my friend I would want to know. Would want to try and help you in any way I could.

That fucking bastard deserves for people to know how cruelly he has treated you. Where your friends are, is this where you could consider moving back to? If your brother is prepared to help you with the six month's rent in advance it seems to me it would be better spent where you have some resources to fall back on.

springydaffs Sun 18-Oct-15 19:37:59

Absolutely agree. The same care package can be replicated elsewhere. You need all the support you can get at the moment so do live near your friends. It makes sense darling xx

goddessofsmallthings Mon 19-Oct-15 05:50:48

Care packages are portable.

Would it be possible for you to stay with your db or with friends for a short time in order to get a care package in place prior to you finding a place near him/them? Or for you to find a place and have him/them provide some practical help until your care package is replicated in the new area?

oxcat1 Mon 19-Oct-15 17:21:34

My brother is in an expensive bit of London, and although most councils seem to accept 'moving to be near family support structures' as a reason to apply for assistance with housing, Lambeth and Streatham don't. I am in private rental here, but my only income is benefits, and I don't see that I could afford private rental in London. I do have quite a few friends in London, but of course they are all spread out, and I think London is lonely and difficult to navigate as a wheelchair user.

It really wouldn't be easy to move my case. I have a full-time nurse with me, as well as a carer, and they have all been individually trained - on top f their standard RGN training - in particular procedures unique to looking after me. The care element could be organised and moved, but this nursing is very specialist and would take a while at least to sort. I also know that my package is the most expensive in the region, so other areas are unlikely to want to pick it up.

I know it sounds like i'm making excuses. I'm not, really, but I am just so confused and scared and I don't know where to begin with it all. I think I need to confirm on this other house tomorrow as the agent has been pretty good, but wants a move-in date and the deposit. I suspect 6-months would give me time to get things a bit straighter (and it is a nice house, that I could imagine myself and DH in, if ever he were to return, although I know I shouldn't be thinking like that).

A friend happened to message me last night -all cheery and chirpy. I will use your encouragement to reply by message, and perhaps then work up to a call.

Thank you - and sorry.

Leeza2 Mon 19-Oct-15 17:39:51

Please tell your friends . If you were my friend, I would want to know how bad you were feeling so I could reach out to you

Though I understand that your faith in female friends might be a bit shaken after what has happened to you :-(

Have your told your brother and SIL about how bad you feel ? Do you have any other family you are close to, who could come and visit for a weekend ? ( you say you have plenty space )

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