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I can't end my roller coaster relationship !

(110 Posts)
LittleWren17 Sat 17-Oct-15 09:11:01

Hi,

I've posted before about an emotionally damaging relationship that I've been in for over a year now.
He must have ended our relationship about 30 times (I haven't counted lol) , each time being cold and hurtful to me, only to come crawling back a few weeks later. I wasn't strong and so I let him worm his way back. I was stupid - I know .
Anyway, in the last few months, I have got a new full time job which I am doing well in and I love, and I have moved house which is great for me and my two girls.
I feel so much happier and stronger and I'm now at a place where I don't want a relationship. I don't need it. I just want to enjoy time with my children my friends and my own company .
However this man knows this and won't leave me alone. I had ended our relationship, but he called and texted constantly. When i didn't respond, he came to my house - banging on the door.
I thought it fair to speak to him in person and somehow I gave in. He got all emotional, promised to be the man I'd hoped he could be. I backed down and now we are 'back on'. He has made plans and promises for the future, told his son that he has a new girlfriend etc and goes on about how sorry he is for treating me badly and how happy he is now that we can move on together.
I feel trapped. I don't want a relationship at the moment, but all the effort he makes now, means it's harder for me to end it. I worry that he will fall apart without me as he craves companionship and attention.
I don't want to hurt him. I don't know how to tell him. I know he will badger me. He can be volatile and he threatens to come to my work or go and confront my ex husband when he doesn't get his own way. He says I love you and I say it back - not because I feel it, but because I feel I should say it back.
I don't know what to do. Please dont be too hard on me! I know I'm a fool and I've been on a crazy journey with this man. But I'm in a different place from him now. Am I right to end things? Should I give him a chance?
Please help. Thanks xx

Cronx Sat 17-Oct-15 09:19:45

He doesn't care about hurting you. You are not obliged to give him a chance and you're clearly happier without him. Why are you worried about him falling apart? You need to realise that this is not your responsibility, if he will fall apart without treating you like crap then let him fall apart, why does he deserve you?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 17-Oct-15 09:21:21

You are right to end things.
You do not have to give him any more chances. He has had more than enough of those from you already.

He is an appalling role model for your DDs; what do you think they are learning about relationships here?.

You state that you do not want to hurt him but he has shown you no real consideration in this whatsoever. He is abusive and has caused you much emotional pain, this was never a healthy relationship at all from the very beginning. He is a manipulative and dangerous individual who needs to be totally blocked from your life. I would also read up on co-dependency behaviours in relationships and see how much of that has fitted in with your own patterns of behaviour.

I would now report him to the police; what he is doing is a crime. No-one deserves to be harassed like you have been.

I would also work on you; enrolling on Womens Aid Freedom Programme would be a start as would be properly addressing in counselling why you kept going back to him at all. Your boundaries in relationships were and probably remain well skewed, men like this one take an awful long time to recover from. You were likely also targeted by him, he saw something in you that could and has been exploited.

Loraline Sat 17-Oct-15 09:23:44

If you're not happy then you're right to end things. That's always true no matter who the man is.

Who do you have for support? Is there anyone who can be with you when you end things with him to help you stay strong?

Cronx Sat 17-Oct-15 09:26:16

Also, it's one thing to put yourself through crap, but please, please think about the example you are setting to your daughters. They will learn most of how they should expect men to treat them from you. At the moment, they are learning that a man's totally unreasonable whims are more important than their happiness. Don't kid yourself that they won't notice, kids aren't stupid.

Being a child watching their mun pander to a useless man, who has no boundaries and sees it acceptable to turn up and bang on the door of their home and make demands of their mother, and then completly ruin that child's safe space can screw them up for life. Believe me, I was once that child.

If you're OK with that risk, knock yourself out and carry on trying to please this seemingly worthless pathetic excuse for a man.

fearandloathinginambridge Sat 17-Oct-15 09:30:03

He sounds bloody awful and you should not be in a relationship because you are scared of his threats. If he threatens to come to your place of work tell him that's harassment and, if he does it, then with your employers support you will call the police everytime.

Life is too short and precious to be in a relationship like this. If you are unhappy with it the yes, it's right to end it. If he's sad and lonely as a result then boohoo - his problem to resolve and not yours. Please don't waste any more time in this man. He's a bully and a manipulator.

Gabilan Sat 17-Oct-15 09:35:16

* He is a manipulative and dangerous individual who needs to be totally blocked from your life. I would also read up on co-dependency behaviours in relationships and see how much of that has fitted in with your own patterns of behaviour.*

This. You need to end it and cut all contact but to do that I suspect you need to work out why you keep letting him back. He sounds horrible and he isn't your responsibility.

summerwinterton Sat 17-Oct-15 09:37:47

You should finish it and block him, both on your phone and anywhere online like FB.

And when he comes banging at your door again you call the police. There is no middle road on this.

And you need to do the Freedom Programme, either online or in person. Why on earth do you think this is all you deserve?

LittleWren17 Sat 17-Oct-15 09:38:24

Thank you.
You are right that my children will have noticed things, but I don't tend to see him when I have my children. They see their dad a few nights a week and this man knows this and will always want to see me on these nights. He gets moody if I want to see a friend instead of him.
I know I could report him, but I feel that I have given him mixed signals because I have let him back into my life. It's been a strange relationship - not like one Ive ever had before.
My kids will be at their dads tonight. I have said that I want to see my friend as she is in need - I thought I would have my space from him, but he says he wants to stay at my place while I'm out. If I tell him no, there will be a big drama and my night will be spent batting off calls and texts from him. He will no doubt show up at my door ??

notapizzaeater Sat 17-Oct-15 09:41:18

Tell him tough. Has he a key ? If not just Ho out earlier and block his phone number.

DaemonPantalaemon Sat 17-Oct-15 09:42:05

You don't live with him, you don't have children with him, you have no ties to him. It seems to me that you quite enjoy the drama. How on earth do you break up with someone 30 times (lol as you say) ?

Doesn't it just get draining after a while?

It is not that hard to stop seeing a person. The key word is ignore. And if he bangs on doors and harasses you at work or elsewhere, then you call the police. His life and choices are not your responsibility. If you are serious get rid of him. For yourself and for your girls.

You can only get rid of him if you start being serious.

Cronx Sat 17-Oct-15 09:47:21

It doesn't matter if he normally sees you when your daughters are with their dad. If he's turned up banging on the door making demands, he clearly doesn't care whether they're in or not, there is nothing to stop him doing it again when they do happen to be home. And if you are going to let him worm his way back in, where next? Do you see a future with him? Because if you do, and let him get his feet under the table, you certainly won't be protecting your girls.

ThreeRuddyTubs Sat 17-Oct-15 09:54:41

He sounds incredibly suffocating. You don't want to be with him and you have the right to end the relationship

summerwinterton Sat 17-Oct-15 09:59:44

So the more he threatens the more you back down??

Tell him no, and if he carries on you will call the police. Stand up for yourself woman and stop allowing him to do this.

Angleshades Sat 17-Oct-15 10:00:44

Op just end it with this man. You don't owe him any explanations or reasons as to why you don't want to be with him. If you feel the relationship is not what you want you have a right to end it no matter how small or trivial you may feel the reason is. If you're uncomfortable doing it face to face just text him saying you no longer want to see him. If he starts sending lots of texts and keeps calling you just block his number. If he shows up at your door tell him you'll call the police if he does not remove himself from your door.

You don't need to stay with him to make him feel better. It's not working for you and that's what is important here. Put yourself and your dc's first.

I know you feel bad about taking him back but hey we all make daft mistakes, none of us are perfect. You've recognised that taking him back was a mistake and now you need to put that right for yourself. He doesn't give a damn how much he tramples over your feelings to get his own way so give him a taste of his own medicine and treat like with like.

LittleWren17 Sat 17-Oct-15 10:00:59

All you say is true but I certainly don't enjoy the drama. Ive invested a lot into our relationship in all respects and I was left devastated each time he ended it, so when he came back I felt loved again. I am now stronger.
To the person looking on, it must be hard to understand.

I know it is down to me to deal with it. I cannot see a future with him.Once upon a time, I could - but he is not the person I thought he was and is not a person that I want my girls to have in their life.
He doesn't have a key.

I am feeling bad that I'm about to hurt him and I know he will react badly and most likely get angry and spiteful , before switching to nice mode and then back to angry. It is hard to deal with. I'm on anti depressants because of how he has treated me and I've had counselling. I certainly have not enjoyed the drama x

Whoknewitcouldbeso Sat 17-Oct-15 10:06:36

He actually sounds pretty dangerous to me. He knows all your movements it sounds and thinks nothing of making unreasonable demands of you. Why the hell would he be staying at your house while you are out? That's just weird.

If you do break up it HAS to be for the last time and you might have to end up contacting the Police as I can't see this guy giving up very easily.

summerwinterton Sat 17-Oct-15 10:06:38

You need to read up on the sunk costs fallacy

nothing you explain about your relationship will justify his behaviour or why you tolerate it. Nothing. And you need to read up on the nice nasty cycle of abuse - and again, will you please look at the Freedom Programme

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sat 17-Oct-15 10:22:58

You need to stop engaging with it
Dump him and block. If he turns up at your home or work call the police! They will warn him off, his behaviour is harassment and it's illegal.

LittleWren17 Sat 17-Oct-15 10:24:44

I have a space on the Freedom programme in November. it runs for 11 weeks while I should be at work. I will have to find a way of getting to the sessions during my work day.
Thanks everyone x

MrsEvadneCake Sat 17-Oct-15 10:30:16

Littlewren see your friend tonight and tell him he can't wait at yours. Then ignore his messages. You do not have to reply. He is only chasing you to keep control of you and won't fall apart without you.

I'm glad you've got a place on the course.

summerwinterton Sat 17-Oct-15 11:11:55

Do the Freedom Programme online in the meantime. Not as good, but still invaluable.

Gabilan Sat 17-Oct-15 11:13:17

I was left devastated each time he ended it, so when he came back I felt loved again

You say you've broken up around 30 times and been going out for over a year. That means you're breaking up about once a fortnight. The only reason I can think of for this is that he wants to keep you under control. He knows you're desperate to be loved again, so he keeps dumping you so he can withhold that love.

He's conditioned you to do what he wants. It's a very effective training method.

Allofaflumble Sat 17-Oct-15 11:22:53

I think you are wasting your time and energy worrying about hurting him. In my experience they move on to another victim very quickly and you are left feeling a complete mug.

AnyFucker Sat 17-Oct-15 11:27:35

End it. Then tough it out. Ignore all the drama and blackmail. When this loser threatens to top himself ignore that too.

It's the only way.

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