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Is this abusive or just him being horrible?

(21 Posts)
WhereAreTheGoodSweets Fri 16-Oct-15 22:24:23

Things have sort of come to a head in my marriage and we have had long conversations discussing our problems and issues. One of the things (amongst others) I have problems with is his treatment of me when my DCs were born.

When I had my first baby I had a third degree tear and could barely walk. It was so so painful. Bending, walking or going up the stairs was a struggle. I told him that I wanted to stay at my Mums who could help me and I would have support esp as it was my first time having a baby and also because of my operation. He was adamant that I stay at home and would look after me but I insisted that I really wanted to stay at my Mums. He reluctantly agreed that I would stay at home for a week and then go. He was unhappy with this and began to give me the silent treatment and not speak to me properly. He would be moody and just made me feel guilty for staying with my Mum. I was in hospital for 3 days because baby wasn't feeding well. He would come in and just be moody and give me one word answers and not talk to me at all. He made me feel like crap and I would cry in hospital when the curtains were drawn. I hated when he visited as I was already struggling with feeding baby and was in pain and already had enough on my plate. When I came home, he gave me very little support. He would just drop off the food that my Mum or his mum had made for us and then he would be out all day or play PlayStation at his Mums.

I still could barely walk and was doing everything for baby including some household chores like the washing etc. I particularly remember it being so painful just putting the dryer on but it needed to be done as I was running out of clean clothes for baby. If I called to ask him when he would come he would say in 10 minutes but then come an hour later. He wouldn't speak to me properly and would just give one word answers. He would bang doors and slam things aroud. I was glad to leave to be at my mums but even then he hardly visited or bought anything for baby. My parents would buy the formula. It wasn't much better when I came home and then I fell pregnant with DC2 in a short space of time. This time I didn't go to my Mums as I didn't want to upset him and hence treat me badly again but things weren't much different. If anything, it was much harder as I had 2 babies and the stress of that alone was enough. I think I had PND and looking back at it all brings tears to my eyes. It was around 15m of this before things improved.

So in my talk with him I reminded him of his behaviour and told him that this was a form of abusive behaviour. He said that it wasn't because he didn't actually want to cause any harm to me. It sort of caught me off guard and had me doubting myself.

Am I wrong? I don't want to make it out that it was something more than it actually is.


CocktailQueen Fri 16-Oct-15 22:30:51

Bloody hell, op. When he was so shit when you had dc1, why have another dc with him?

Yanbu. He didn't want to cause any harm to you? Well, he sure as hell didn't want to help you, or make things easier for you, or pull his weight, did he? What a twat. Why did he want you at home when he was going to treat you so badly? Abusive, sulky man child. Playing on Playstation instead of manning up and helping his wife and parenting his dc?

Anyway, if things have come to a head, what has his behaviour been like since? What are you arguing about? What is your h's attitude? What kind of relationship does he havewith the dc?

Seriouslyffs Fri 16-Oct-15 22:34:33

Blimey- it got worse shock???
Get out as quick as you can. He sounds like a monster.

Lweji Fri 16-Oct-15 22:39:16

He said that it wasn't because he didn't actually want to cause any harm to me.

Imagine if he did, then...

It doesn't matter what his intention was. He harmed you. He was abusive.

It looks like problems have continued or got worse. You don't need his permission to leave, nor you need to know his take on his behaviour towards you. You now what you experienced and how it made you feel. As you do how it makes you feel now.
He should apologise if he didn't realise how badly affected you were/are. Not dismiss it, or minimise it.

elephantoverthehill Fri 16-Oct-15 22:42:13

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pinechesterdrawers Fri 16-Oct-15 22:45:16

I can imagine it possible that a partner have moments or a couple of incidents of totally thoughtless/nasty behaviour. After all, having a baby is very tiring and adjusting is full on but his sounds like it continued for far too long at a difficult time.

I also think the slamming and huffing sounds manipulative.

Why have things come to a head - what has been happing since the DC?

Poor you OP, sounds like a you havent been having a nice time recently.

PipeDownSmallFry Fri 16-Oct-15 22:48:23

Behaviours like that can become abusive over time if there is a pattern to them. Usually it is to gain power and control over a situation or person.

Obviously your situation is personal to you but you sound concerned.

Have you spoken to a support agency? Womens aid or a local group, health visitor, GP, local council can put you in touch with them, you could even look out for stickers on the backs of public toilet doors, often have support line numbers on them. It's all very informal, just a chat and support, even if just to talk things through with someone, it may help get things straight in your head.

Look after yourself and your children. xx

TheLastCarnival Fri 16-Oct-15 23:21:22

Elephant, I am interested in why you think something doesn't ring true?

I only ask because I could write a very similar post to the OP's my husband treated me appalingly after the birth of all three children and during my third pregnancy when I had complications that rendered me unable to walk he refused to give any practical help at all even though I had two toddlers and had to work.

OP you don't say how old the DC are now or how long this has being going on but believe me though it may change in form it never lets up and you will feel you are going mad. I stayed as I didn't know any different and wanted my children to have two parents, but he never was a parent and sadly I am now seeing the detrimental psychological effects it has had on my kids. I am working on leaving and hope to do so soon. I tried to shield the children but they pick up on it anyway no matter what you do.

If I were you I would seek outside help even if just to talk things through initially, but I suspect you that deep down you already know the truth or you wouldn't be on here. flowers

elephantoverthehill Fri 16-Oct-15 23:44:49

Carnival I am sorry to hear that you had a bad experience. I do not wish to comment further as I may be seen as judgmental.

elephantoverthehill Sat 17-Oct-15 02:03:28

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnotherEmma Sat 17-Oct-15 02:07:25

"I do not wish to comment further..."
"So to make my point..."

elephantoverthehill Sat 17-Oct-15 02:10:07

ok hands up, I am being a twit

Potatoface2 Sat 17-Oct-15 08:31:46 with elephant on this.....or OP and her partner are a couple of teenagers....'want to go to my mums'.....'play on the playstation'....both need to grow up a bit if they have two children

WhereAreTheGoodSweets Sat 17-Oct-15 08:32:04

I stayed because I didn't have the courage to leave and didn't know how I would be able to support myself. I, also like Carnival wanted my children to grow up with both parents. It might sound like madness to some people who might not understand why I didn't just leave. It would sound like the most obvious and right decision. But its as easy as that, well for me anyway.

To cut a long story short when my DC2 was still a baby, I threatened to leave. I told him about his behaviour and other things in our marriage that I had issues with. He was very sorry and said he regretted it. I gave him a few months and was unconvinced. However,to my surprise things did improve massively. He helped out alot more with the kids. Our marriage isn't perfect but thankfully we have been able to work through alot of things in the past couple of years.

But all this was in the past and for some reason lately it just keeps coming back to me again to the point where I feel I can't really get over it. It's like I'm feeling all the anger towards him right now. II told him a couple of weeks ago that even though things have improved to the point of "normal" I just can't forgive or forget and I want to just run away from it. I can't explain why it is now that it just keeps coming to the fore.

So, we've been having lots of chats and hence I wrote my post.

Elephant, i found your post quite hurtful and insensitive suggesting I had made this up somehow and especially more so considering the subject. I also do not appreciate your sarcastic comment about feeding my baby. I don't need to justify to yourself why I haven't commented and what I am doing.

acquiescence Sat 17-Oct-15 08:37:02

I think it sounds like you were being made very unhappy rather than having pnd- if you had been supported, cared for and loved it is unlikely you would have felt this way. Mood is generally reactive to life circumstances as well as chemicals in the brain and circumstances play a more significant part generally.

He sound awful, poor you OP.

acquiescence Sat 17-Oct-15 08:37:41

But glad to hear there have been improvements, hope that they continue x

elephantoverthehill Sat 17-Oct-15 11:01:10

I do apologise most profoundly to the OP. As I said earlier I was being a twit.

Lweji Sat 17-Oct-15 11:36:22

I can't explain why it is now that it just keeps coming to the fore.

I'll offer a couple of guesses.

Because you did suffer a lot at the time and you weren't convinced by his apologies, particularly as you needed to threaten to leave. His recent comment "He said that it wasn't because he didn't actually want to cause any harm to me." suggests that his apology before wasn't that convincing. More of the type "sorry if you were upset".
Because at the back of your mind you think he is still capable of doing the same next time you are vulnerable.
You feel safe now to get angry about it.

This is one of those instances where I would suggest that counselling might help. Either both or you alone to resolve these issues and be able to move forward.

Don't underestimate the power of past experiences in relation to trust. As it's often said, it takes a long time to earn and a moment to lose.
Even though it seems you were able to forgive him, I think it's natural that the hurt is still there. Because willingly or not, this was a person who was capable of hurting you.

Lulioli Sat 17-Oct-15 17:48:04

Of course these memories will not go away. They have yet to be resolved. Your H let you down when you needed him most. How on earth could you ever trust him again? He was a nasty selfish cruel man who made you feel lonely, unsupported and unloved. What a spiteful twat. Walk away. You deserve more than he could ever give you. ?????? for you

Lulioli Sat 17-Oct-15 17:49:25

I can only see question marks on my post. It was supposed to give OP cake, flowers and wine!

pallasathena Sun 18-Oct-15 10:09:39

I get where you're coming from. You've tried to be the bigger person through all of this and sublimated your own feelings, wishes and desires. But, and its a massive but, the feelings of being brutalised, dismissed, treated like dirt won't go away despite your best efforts and why should they?

Your conscience is telling you you're with someone who is not to be trusted, who has the capacity and the ability to cause untold damage. Its your get out of jail card flashing in front of your eyes and you need to see it clearly, use it and not look back as you prepare for a life of dignity without him.

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