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How do I deal with this?

(13 Posts)
Lonecatwithkitten Fri 16-Oct-15 21:20:53

Apologies this is likely to be long.
Three years ago ExH left me for OW, who had been my friend and another mum at school. She is an alcoholic ExH went on a downward spiral drinking, was daughter drink driving with our DC in the car, lost his job, both ExH and OW verbally abused DC on at least one occasion, contact was stopped and they moved away.
I kept attending school events faced the whispers and supported DC while they laid low. I knew that it was important for DC to have a relationship with ExH so went to considerable effort to facilitate a gradually increasing contact schedule to rebuild their relationship.
So ExH has begun to sort himself out, he has his driving licence back and a new job. There is good contact with DC who are happy.
My difficulty is that he has crawled out from under his stone socially/for school events fine, but and it's huge but he hangs around me asking me what he should do etc. There have been two events so far a funeral of a close friend and school event tonight. Neither of them appropriate for me to do what I want which is to scream 'I am not your wife any more sort yourself out'.
Through out it all I have maintained my dignity I have not screamed, shouted or spoken bad about him or OW around DC partly, because it is not in my nature and partly, because I don't think DC deserve to be exposed to that behaviour.
But I can't continue metaphorically holding his hand and need to draw a line some how under it.

honeyroar Fri 16-Oct-15 21:28:05

Gosh you're amazing. I wish I had your restraint. Tell him you'd rather he sat somewhere else. You don't know what he should do. Tell him you're glad he's trying for the sake of the children, but you don't feel like you want the contact with him personally unless it's something you absolutely had to. Tell him you're not going to be friends? Tell him you will be civil and polite, but that's all, you don't want to chat or solve his problems?

tableanadchairs Fri 16-Oct-15 21:34:39

What is he actually asking you for advice on? If it is anything to do with his relationship with the DC's fine but if it is anything to do with OW or their new life tell him to jog on.
You are not his friend or confidente, you have no interest in his life except where it involves the DC's.
He was fully capable of making a decision when he had the affair with the OW there is nothing stopping him making any decision now.

Lonecatwithkitten Fri 16-Oct-15 23:31:34

Table it is never to do with DC it is all should I talk to so and so, do you think I should get a sandwich etc. He would never have asked those kind of things together.
I also feel at school particularly he has taken the easy option there has been a big change in children and OW's DC have left.
Tonight it was all can I sit with you. Then asking questions when I just wanted to watch.
I guess I have to man up and say no your can't sit with me, I don't engage with the questions.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sat 17-Oct-15 06:49:13

You don't need to shout it at him, but you do need to tell him.

My ech and I ask favours of each other where the children are concerned and we oblige where we can for the benefit of the children.

So I remind him if the children have an exam or something so that he phones to wish them luck because it's easy to forget without the constant reminder of living with them and he will pick up a present to take to a birthday party if I am too busy with work stuff/ill so that they don't turn up empty handed.

But beyond that, I wouldn't. You really do have to just say, "no. I'm not your wife anymore"

Cabrinha Sat 17-Oct-15 07:59:58

You need to understand that you don't have to shout to say no.

It's fine to say "I don't want to sit with you".
And "please don't talk to me during the school meeting".
As for the sandwich, I would actually just laugh and say "did you really just ask me if you should get a sandwich? I don't care"

Threefishys Sat 17-Oct-15 08:57:28

I would wager that if his partner was with him at these events he would be nowhere near you at all, I think he is just treating you as his convenient female to coddle him at that time. Just ignore him and move away when he approaches.

WitchWay Sat 17-Oct-15 09:29:30

He sounds very needy & possibly depressed. That is no longer your responsibility. I think you need to tell him, kindly but firmly. Is he still with the OW? Most likely she isn't as supportive as you.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sat 17-Oct-15 10:30:24

Are all of these questions actually directed at you? Or are they more him verbalising a thought?

I only ask because him asking if she should get a sandwich could be - he doesn't know how long something is going on for and it's a qiestion of eating.

Or ot should be "hmm, should I get a sandwich" a personal musing.

Asuch as actually asking you.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sat 17-Oct-15 10:33:31

As much

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sat 17-Oct-15 10:35:36

Only offering an alternative explanation because I have experience of thinking everything they say is idiotic and you just have to let go of some of the smaller stuff!

My exh and I still attemd parents evenings and other things together because we think it's important to still parent together. It doesn't mean he doesn't irritate me though!

Lonecatwithkitten Sat 17-Oct-15 10:40:01

Yes he is still with OW. Yes the questions are directed at me as they start with 'do you think I should'.
I am little cross about school because I feel I rode it out the pointing and whispering and he is now coming in and hanging on to my coat tails.
I guess I just have to say sorry no you can't sit with me.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sat 17-Oct-15 10:53:06

Well in that case, you are just going to have to be blunt, I think.

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