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Am I in the wrong or is he??(43 Posts)
I started dating my boyfriend about six months ago. We both ended long term relationships this year and whilst we were not looking for anything serious when we meet, it became clear in from the very start that our relationship was heading towards something that is serious and most likely long term. We haven't had any disagreements until very recently. For personal reasons I will be relocating from London to New York City in the next couple of months. Luckily my boyfriends job requires him to spend 50% of his time in NYC and because of this he has a flat in the city. I have been very stressed about finding a new job in the city and finding someplace to live. I have wanted to find a job before moving but have found it difficult to interview whilst living in a another country, and my boyfriend has thus suggested that I move next month to make the job search easier. I have told him repeatedly that I am not keen to move before finding a job because I don't want to use up all of my savings on rent and wouldn't feel comfortable renting a flat/or a room until I have a steady income.
He recently suggested that I stay at his place until I found a job and was able to save up money. This instantly removed a lot of stress. However, when we later on about it, he started to backtrack and said that I could stay with him for a few days and then rent a room from someone. He said that he thinks it will be unhealthy for us to be living together for a longer period of time so early in our relationship and doesn't want to jeopardise what we have.
I am feeling really hurt and very stressed. I don't want to permanently live with him either, but it would be nice for him to let me stay at his place for a few weeks whilst I sort things out. I explained to him how I was feeling and that I felt he didn't understand because he has a secure life (great job, nice flat, very high income) and I a starting all over again and could really use some support whilst I get on my feet.
What are your opinions? Am I in the wrong here?
I'm kind of with him. If it feels it is too soon to live together (for that's what it would be) then it's too soon. I totally would feel the same.
I do get it. I just wish that he wouldn't have offered in the first place. I also know that we are on the same page about not living together right now and that this would be a sort term thing - but I think it would be a bad idea for me to move there without a plan for where I would be going once my week at his flat was up. I guess I don't think of it as a big deal because I know that it wouldn't be permanent.
I would be offended if someone I was with didn't offer help at my time in need. I'd be questioning the relationship in your shoes. As long as you've been clear it's a temporary arrangement until you get sorted
Thanks rumred. Yes, I do feel offended simply because I would allow him to stay with me until he was settled if the situation were reversed. He also told me that if I were just a friend, he would let me stay as long as I needed but because we are more than that he wants us to work out, he feels he needs to limit the time that I stay with him to a week. I just don't know what to make of that.
Do you have an actual date when you will be in your own place? If not, then I can understand why he's hesitant tbh. It could turn out to be a very long temporary situation which might bring about many other issues in your relationship. 6 months is no time at all to be expecting this sort of help tbf.
I'm with your BF on this.
Tbh it doesn't sound like you've thought the whole relocation thing through - you don't want to move 'till you've got a job, you can't realistically get a job until you've moved - and a few days/weeks will easily turn into months and before you know it you're permanently living together.
I think you're expecting way too much from someone you've only been dating for 6 months - who spends 50% of his time in a different country - you don't know each other that well yet.
From your post OP I can't help but feel you wanted to move in that flat from the beginning and expected him to offer knowing he had that place there (of course I may be wrong about that, just got that impression), considering you've only been with him for 6 months I think that's a helluva ask....not necessarily unreasonable as such but it's definitely not a small thing. I think your fella is quite wise in being cautious in that respect for the health of your relationship - you'd be moving to a new city which will be tough, he maybe feels that you might end up latching on to him therefore putting pressure on your relationship maybe? Plus from what I've been told the London housing market is nothing compared to NYC in terms of expense and availability, maybe he feels that this temporary arrangement might end up going on longer than wanted.
If I were you I'd be grateful for any assistance he's willing to offer and look to strike out on your own asap. I get that you don't want to burn through savings on rent before you have an income but to me that just sounds like a part of the risk you need to take moving to another continent if you can't interview for jobs here (or afford to travel there). And remember, even if it's a week he offers it's still a big favour he's doing you so it might pay to look at it that way.
I have thought this through and have been planning for months, I am in the final stages of interviews for a couple of jobs and have other first round interviews lined up for November but going back and forth has been really difficult and my boyfriend suggested that I move down there now to make the process easier.
No, I do not expect him to support me.
I'm with the BF on this too, and am surprised he offered for you to stay there (even short term) in the first place.
If you've decided to move and were originally intending to do it all on your own, then I think you should just let it go that he has offered and then backtracked. Your move shouldn't be dependent on a bf or whether or not he's able to assist you in any way (especially when it has only been 6 months). And yes you might have felt temporarily happy/relieved at the offer...but I don't think you should be offended now that he's thought about it properly and is not so comfortable with it after all. It is a really big thing to have offered especially when there is no guaranteed timeline with finding a job or another place to live once you get there.
If you planned the move with the expectation that he might have helped you...well I don't think that's a good place to start at all. That decision should be entirely dependent on your ability to do it on your own. Hope everything works out for you
Sometimes I feel like I'm on a different planet. But op you have a range of opinions here. It is probably worth looking at the relationship and where it's going without the major stress of emigration. It is early days still and you don't know one another well enough to know if it'll work out longer term. Maybe that's behind his reticence and change of heart?
Thanks everyone. It has given me a lot to think about. I do really appreciate his offer but I realise that maybe he is reading way more into than I am. I think I tend to be more relaxed about things and wasn't thinking that it would be that big of a deal, but now I can see that maybe he is giving this a bigger think and I will respect that.
How old are you?
I'm with the boyf btw, he feels like you're imposing on him. I'd back off and stand on your own two feet if I were you.
Iwasworried: I am 29 - not sure why that matters.
Also, he is the one who asked me to stay with him, not the other way around. So, I am not sure how I could possibly impose on him.
lexigrey - this is a good point and I actually pushed back when he first brought it up and told him I wasn't ready to move in with him. We had a long conversation about it and he told me that he wanted to be part of the solution and that he didn't want to be in NY without me and so if he could help me by providing me somewhere to live whilst I finished my interviews then he was happy to help. That's why I was caught off guard when he backtracked.
I'm with your BF too, although it's a shame he offered in the first place.
I'm of the school of thought that I shouldn't rely on anyone's help to get by. If they offer and I take it up, that's just a bonus.
If I couldn't handle this move 100% on my own, I would not be going.
It's not about someone being in the wrong. It's a tricky situation. Can see why you're hurt but can see his point of view too. I think it would be for the best to do your own thing and take the hit on renting a room. And hopefully you will be able to put this upset behind you very quickly. Good luck with the jobs.
If he lives there half the time surely he's in a good position to help you to find a place to live? It'd be difficult for you to do so while still living in a different country but he lives in NYC so he should know his way around a bit and keep an eye out for rentals.
Our do you not want to commit to a place until you've secured a job?
Sounds to me like he has made an honest offer of support to you to help you out and then he has started to overthink it and has started to worry that if you were to stay too long then it might affect your future relationship.
i would accept the offer of a few days stay, 'try' to find somewhere else to stay and 'if' that takes a while I bet he will have no problem with you staying longer and probably be gutted if you do move out.
I can see why you're annoyed that he's offered and then backtracked and I'm surprised that others on here can't.
It might be best to continue as you are, going back and forth until you have a job. And once you have one (good luck, hope you get a good one alone!) to make other plans for temporary accommodation while you sort out everything - a week won't help much so might as well not bother.
I think his suggestion that you chuck in your current job and stay at his, with the emotional stuff ("don't want to be in NY without you") then backtracking, was really unhelpful. You can't control how long it takes to find work and could easily get into a precarious position.
I meant get a good job soon, not alone, stupid autocorrect!
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