Could someone give me a stern talking to please?

[ifyoulikepinacolada]

Hi! I'm a newbie and this is my first thread - hope it's OK to jump straight in?

I'm posting because I think I need somebody to give me a stern talking to. I'm mid 20s and have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He's a few years older and is at the point where he wants to buy a flat, get engaged and have children. We've spoken about this loads and I've told him repeatedly I'm really not ready, but it's as though he just won't listen to me or understand what I mean.

I feel as though I'm under so much pressure from him to decide it's time to get engaged - he told me last spring that if I wasn't going to say yes within a year there was no point us staying together. Despite my reluctance he's named our future children, picked out my engagement ring, and keeps making jokes to friends about how he wishes i'd just hurry up and how he's five steps ahead of me etc etc.

I feel so pressured and claustrophobic and the more this goes on the less I want to stay with him. For a number of reasons, some practical and some emotional, I've recently decided I don't want to have children with him at all and I think it's cruel to carry on knowing that we want totally different things. I know I need to call things off but I'm so scared to do it and to be honest I'm not even sure how! It's going to come totally out of the blue for him although I think he's been ignoring signs I've been unhappy for months (he laughs off my concerns or twists my words when I bring them up). Can anyone share any advice on how to make this as kind and gentle as possible please? And any words of wisdom that will encourage me to muster up the courage to actually do it? I keep making up excuses to put it off and it's not doing either of us any favours.

Many thanks in advance (and sorry for the essay)!

[ILiveAtTheBeach]

You've just got to rip this off like a bandaid. The longer you string him along, the crueler it is. It will be hard, but you can do it. You don't say if you live together? If you don't it will be easier, of course.

I ad to do this with ExH. I'm afraid to say, I got tipsy before I had the courage to blurt it out!! I was shaking.

[ifyoulikepinacolada]

Thank you Iliveatthebeach

[gamerchick]

Maybe start a conversation by telling him you don't want kids or ever get married to open it up?

You can't keep hold of a relationship if it's dead, it's not fair. Although being that intense is enough to make anyone run for the hills.

[lavenderhoney]

Do you live together?

Meet him for coffee in a public place, and just say you're not ready for the next steps, and it would be wrong of you to keep going. Tell him there is a wonderful girl out there just waiting for him and although for both of you there is no one else- it would be better to stop now.

Let him talk, at the end just say you're sorry but you've made up your mind. Then leave.

When he texts you, just say you're still of the same mind, and it's over. If he won't stop texting you etc, then write and say you would like to have no contact for a bit, and perhaps one day you can be friends, and can he please stop texting you. Then ignore.

Be very sure though, and make sure you are going to be busy with friends, work, hobbies etc.

[ifyoulikepinacolada]

Thank you guys! Those are all really helpful points. Yes, i know i'm being unfair. We live together (moved in after about 2 years) but i've got a study i can sleep in for a couple of weeks until i find somewhere for the cat and i to move to. I work pretty crazy hours so will be easy to keep myself occupied.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

You're not being unfair.

You have to know and accept that, even if you did this on the beast day you and he ever lived, it may well result in accusations from him. Just know it may happen and ride it out if need be.

If I were you, my opening gambit would be: "you remember that ultimatum you gave me last spring? I've thought about it a lot, and can release you ahead of schedule".

Just get through it, but please do come back, because we want to talk about how controlling and nasty he sounds.

PS: if this really does come out if the blue for him, he hasn't been paying attention to you. Or perhaps he thinks you're just going to knuckle under. Neither a desirable trait for the love of your life.

[lavenderhoney]

You aren't being unfair. You don't want to continue the relationship. You have spent the last year thinking about it, which is far too long - and now is the time to stop. Before you get married, have DC and it's a mess that's not so easy to undo. The sunk costs are the 4 years, but better than 5 and he will find someone else and so will you. The trick will be to exit gracefully if you can. Can you get a friend to help you move your stuff? Ie be there so you dont have to listen to vitriol and also ensure your name is off any bills, nd council tax.

He will be thinking he has wasted a couple of years, but in reality you lived together, tried it, and it's not how you want to spend your life. In hindsight, would you still have moved in?

[FellOutOfBedTwice]

This happened to me. Was 22 and boyfriend came home drunk one night and said he wanted engagement/buy a flat/babies etc. I freaked out massively and said no way, didn't even know if I ever wanted those things and he went spare. After sitting up all night talking he accepted that I was too young and he wouldn't pressure me. Looking back I should have broken up with him there and then. I think he knew I wasn't as in to it as him and was trying to tie me down.

Then about 9 months later he proposed with a giant ring in front of my whole family on Christmas Day. Like a coward I said yes. Next thing I knew we had brought a house and booked a wedding and I was 23 and fucking terrified.

Six weeks before the wedding I met the man who is now my DH at work. I had known him four days when we went to the pub after work on Friday we were left alone at the end of the night and both a bit tipsy he said "if you weren't engaged to someone else I would marry you". I burst into tears. Went straight home and finished it with my fiancé there and then. It was a massive mess and a huge drama.

DO NOT FALL INTO THE TRAP. Dump him, you don't love him. Don't make my mistakes.

[DarkNavyBlue]

Do it now. If you procrastinate you may end up thinking it's too close to Christmas and much better to be able to go to Christmas and New Year dos as a single person

[ifyoulikepinacolada]

Thank you all so much - i really appreciate your time and advice.

Lavenderhoney - good question! I don't know if i would have moved in with him knowing what i know now. I've learnt so much about myself and about relationships though and i would always have wondered 'what if' if i hadn't so yes, i would have done. But i think we've outstayed our welcome.

Felloutofbedtwice thanks for sharing that - why do they try so hard to pin us down?! It feels so manipulative.

Preemptivesalvageengineer your post made me feel so much better. I'm making myself sound naive but i promise he's not nasty - although he is controlling. I significantly out earn him and am doing well in a career he doesn't understand and i think it makes him feel very nervous. But i wouldn't give up work even if i could - i love what i do!

[sadwidow28]

Yes, i know i'm being unfair.

You have clearly tried to tell him that you are not yet ready, but how did you expect the relationship to develop/progress after you moved in together?

I've told him repeatedly I'm really not ready

There was some point when you should have said "Stop" and you didn't do it. You have tried living together and it isn't working for you. You don't want to marry him (nor continue living together) and that has to be communicated calmly, effectively and succinctly.

1. Know where you are going (a friend, family, new flat)
   
2. Get finances sorted so that you can support yourself immediately
   
3. Start packing important documents if you have moved any into your DPs flat
   
4. Have a quiet talk to him about separation and space. Explain that his dreams are not your dreams.
   
5. Move out the next day with support of family and friends.

[lavenderhoney]

Yes, no more faffing about. The exit will be difficult as the last thing you want is " let's try again or OK in two years" which isn't what you want and for both of you it's the cowards way out. So be out and then tell him. Don't feel guilty. You're protecting yourself.

If he is controlling he is going to be tricky, so get all your paperwork out, get your clothes out, book the cat into a cattery until you are ready for it, and go. Then meet him, in a public place, and tell him the news and say you won't be going back. Hand him the key and transfer any rent to the month end. I hope you don't have joint bank accounts or anything. If you rent together, and your name is on the contract, tell the landlord you're off, you won't be the first to do this - and you'll give a months notice.

What are you doing this weekend? Can you move out tomorrow and stay in a hotel til you temp acc. Is ready?

I think possibly moving in and your youth and " doing the right thing" was important then. Now- you'd be unlikely to move in with anyone unless engaged or married. Unless it's a house share!:)

[ifyoulikepinacolada]

Hi sadwidow :). It became gradually clearer after we moved in that things weren't working out as i'd hoped. I moved with every hope and expectation that things would carry on going beautifully and we would buy/get engaged etc in the fullness of time. But we've both grown in different directions and his behaviour is throwing up some major red flags so i've decided that now is the time to call things off rather than tangling things up any further or leading things on.

[DarthVadersTailor]

I would definitely recommend to not prolongue this for any longer than you have to. If you honestly have got to the point where this relationship is no longer viable then you need to sit him down and tell him straight - be blunt about it, don't pussyfoot around it, explain to him just as you have in your post to MN. It isn't fair to yourself to keep plodding along with a situation that gets you so upset & under unnecessary pressure. It also isn't fair to him either if his life goals differ wildly from your own and he needs to know in absolute certain terms that you don't want what he wants, he should be free to find the right partner to pursue that dream with. Having been this guys position before OP I can honestly say that long-term he will thank you for it.

Keep us updated & good luck!!!

[ifyoulikepinacolada]

Don't worry lavenderhoney - i'm actually working all weekend so won't really see him but will take some time to get my things together. Cat can go to my mum's for a couple of weeks, rent is already paid till the end of the month - it's all in his name (i know...) which makes extricating myself financially extremely easy!

Yeah, i made a decision based on how i felt at a moment in time and don't regret it per se but i'm looking forward to being single for a while!

[ifyoulikepinacolada]

Thanks darthvaderstailor and anyone i've missed out! There's definitely a girl out there for him but it's not me.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

I've been unhappy for months (he laughs off my concerns or twists my words when I bring them up).

This is the part that caused my "controlling and nasty" comment. But don't focus too much on that for now, unless you have to.

Your update about how he's uncomfortable about you doing so well in your career is a warning sign too.

YY to all the logistical advice others have given. Be as moved out as you can be when you have The Talk.