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Those of you in your late 20’s/early 30’s…a Friday musing...how long….?

(26 Posts)
xSummerStarsx Fri 16-Oct-15 10:12:47

…Until you knew that the person you were with was ‘the one you wanted to settle down with’?

If you entered a new relationship in your late 20’s / early 30’s, were you quicker to ‘settle down’ with that person?

I ask as in the last couple of months, a few people I know have gotten engaged to their partners, all of these are relatively new relationships, one of them being together 6 months, the other 12 months and the other about 2 years.

They are all in their late 20’s / early 30’s and are great couples and seem very much in love, I am guessing that by the time you’re in your mid 30’s, you’ve probably had experience of crappy relationships or relationships that just weren’t right and so are able to realise if something is ‘really right’

How long, at that sort of age, would you hang around for someone to ask you to move in together, make a proposal etc? Would you let years flit by in a relaxed fashion and go with the flow like you would tend to in your teens/ early 20’s, or are/have you been more firm re a timeline for these things/ what you want?

ARV1981 Fri 16-Oct-15 10:51:58

I knew pretty early on (I was 29 when we got together). We got married after being together for three years.

We had known each other for years though.

desperatelyseekingamovingdate Fri 16-Oct-15 11:09:49

I met my hubby at 29 - i had not long come out of a 10 yr relationship (it had been over for years really). I had actually wanted to be single for a bit so was shocked when i met him so soon.

I had an idea of what i wanted in a partner but i suppose it was a bit quicker ( married after 3 yrs) than if i had met some when i was younger.

My parents married and divorced(!)when young, and i always wanted to be older before i committed ( also hadnt met the right man). The nearing 30 was a thing for me and we had both had enough of the young single life (i had previously a messed up long distance relationship so effectively single).

Also i didnt have the same need to achieve other things first - my career was going well, i had a house, car etc. I always wanted to be married before i had kids and i did have our daughter 9 months after getting married.

Also my hubby is amazing and i love the pants off of him - so i wanted to snap him up before anyone else did!

I told him he had 6 months and if after that it wasnt going anywhere i was off, then we moved in after 18 months and married 18 months after that- i def had a timeline and communicated this clearly. My hubby is very laid back and i am not!

My meeting him was a total fluke - a mad mix of circumstances led to us being together - we like to believe it was fated!

Joskar Fri 16-Oct-15 11:25:16

Met dh online when I was 29. Got engaged the following year and married 8 months later so 22 months after we'd first set eyes on each other. We'd been married 6 months before we lived together though!

I suppose I was pretty clear from the off that I was looking for long term but so was he. We both wanted kids. I think I knew the moment we met that we would make a go of it and so did he. It was quite straight forward and no hand wringing about being "ready". He's a grown up and not one of these tiresome man-child types who are unwilling to give up computer games and lads nights.

BloodontheTracks Fri 16-Oct-15 11:34:18

I hate to sound cynical but I think age has a lot to do with it. I know a few great couples who met at totally varying ages of life and 'just knew' as it were. I think in the late 20s and early 30s there's a lot of people who do love each other marrying, but that is also shaped by being people who want to build a life and have children and understand and like the shape of that for their life. Now in my mid/late 30s there's a lot of people meeting and marrying very quickly, like it's 3am at the club of life or something! I'm not sure there's a best way of doing it because the other things that's started happening is the couples who married happily in their mid 20s are now divorcing, and the people who haven't married anyone are happy or sad, entirely depending on who they are in general.

arsenaltilidie Fri 16-Oct-15 11:48:37

Met DW 28, married just before my 30th.
It took a conscious effort to find a partner and stop messing around.

winchester1 Fri 16-Oct-15 11:52:14

Met my OH when I was 29 (he was 39) and I emigrated to move in with him after 10months. Started ttc a yr later.
I do think you move faster when you're older.

Vix270781 Fri 16-Oct-15 12:17:16

I feel like I wasted 14 years on two disastrous relationships (one 6 years, the other 8) and ended up being cheated on by both BF's with the SAME other woman - I kid you not! But that's another story). I'm now 34 and have been in a relationship almost six months with my new guy and we both know we are for keeps! We knew each other at school, same year, and then my brother was in a band with him briefly so we saw each other socially, but it's taken us over 10 years to get together, he did ask me several times but because I was in the middle of the mess described above, it never happened. And then, by the power of Facebook, he messaged me and it quickly developed and we have never looked back. We are keen to get married/start a family and intend doing so within the next year/18 months. So, some might say that is fairly quick, but for us, it is just right. I think when you know, you know!

Twickerhun Fri 16-Oct-15 12:32:44

I knew after about 6 weeks. Got engaged (aged 33) 9 months later and married 9 months after that. didn't see the point of hanging around smile

FeelingDumb Fri 16-Oct-15 16:31:40

I think you just "know" when it's right. I met my DP when I had intentionally stopped looking. I was 34 and had started uni and was totally focused on building a decent future for myself and my DD's. I was happy and comfortable with being single in order to do that. Met him totally out of the blue and we just clicked and it felt so very different to any relationship (especially my marriage!) that I had ever experienced before, I know it sounds clichéd but it just felt like it was meant to be.

We did the long distance thing for about 10 months, and I fell pregnant during that time (planned, although wasn't expecting it to happen so quickly due to fertility issues on both sides). We now live together, baby due at Xmas (on mat leave from uni) and we're both so happy and contented despite life's stresses! It's all been quite quick, but I genuinely believe you just know and yes, I think age plays quite a big part in that.

x2boys Fri 16-Oct-15 16:44:18

i met dh at 31 he was 29 we got married six moths later so it was very quick we have been together over ten years now we both wanted to settle down at that age and yes i had been through the mill of bad relationships etc i was sick of the messing around does he really like me etci think if we had met ten years before we probably wouldnt have got married so quickly.

PreciousxBane Fri 16-Oct-15 17:23:24

We were engaged after 5 months but had been very close friends for the previous two years. I actually put off agreeing to change our status from friends to BF and GF as I was petrified of settling down. I was 31.

Basically I was the reluctant one though on MN it seems as if it is usually the males that are more reluctant or maybe its just because women have posted about their commitment phobe BF's.

xSummerStarsx Sun 18-Oct-15 08:50:24

Thanks for the replies, I thought that would be the case!

AyeAmarok Sun 18-Oct-15 09:25:27

I also think there it is partly down to age, though not in a bad way. Whenbyoure younger sometimes you thrive off drama and have arguments over nothing etc. I think once you get to your 30s, if you're an emotionally stable person of course, you are more minded of what is important to you and what you're looking for. If you meet someone with the same mindset who also wants to settle down, you're more likely to make a go of it.

AyeAmarok Sun 18-Oct-15 09:25:30

I also think there it is partly down to age, though not in a bad way. Whenbyoure younger sometimes you thrive off drama and have arguments over nothing etc. I think once you get to your 30s, if you're an emotionally stable person of course, you are more minded of what is important to you and what you're looking for. If you meet someone with the same mindset who also wants to settle down, you're more likely to make a go of it.

MrsCorbyn Sun 18-Oct-15 15:00:42

At 27 I'm more inclined to settle down and wouldn't waste time if I didn't see a future. Fortunately dp is utterly bloody perfect and he is aware I wouldn't hang around for years without engagement.

StarkyTheDirewolf Sun 18-Oct-15 17:06:25

Met now DH at 26, I knew from before we'd had our first date that he was "it". Engaged after 8 months, married at 2 years. (I'm now 29, he's 37.) I suppose I was more certain of what I wanted/expected from a partner when I met him but I was also much more honest and open about my intentions. We were friends before we got together and I told him as part of a general conversation about relationships that I wasn't looking for a casual relationship, that I wanted someone with the same outlook on life as me and that I wasn't prepared to waste any more time on not being valued as a partner. That marriage and children were part of what I wanted for me. I suppose, musing about it now, I was testing him out a bit, and if he'd run a mile then I'd have known not to waste any time perusing it. (I sound very ott, it wasn't quite as cut and dry as I've made it sound!)

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Sun 18-Oct-15 17:10:20

Met my DH at 24, got together at 25, moved in together after 3 months, engaged at 26 and married at 27. Now 31 and have 2 children under 2! We'd both been in very long term relationships before (7 years) and both knew instinctively that this was different. Had some tough times but we're stronger than ever.

CheersMedea Sun 18-Oct-15 17:13:49

I've heard that you should wait four seasons before marrying.

I wouldn't have got married at six months because I think you need to know someone properly to see if you are compatible. This includes what they are like when they are tired, cold, depressed, ill and so on (and them knowing the same about you). And both of you knowing how your partner manage/deals with you when you aren't on top form.

There are plenty of "we got married after a week and are still together 50 years later" stories - but this is good luck basically that they were able to manage their interaction.

I knew I was seriously interested in DH right from the start but would not have said "100% am marrying him" til a lot later.

OffMyAyersRocker Sun 18-Oct-15 17:29:02

I met DH when l was 28 and knew the first night and next morning he was the one. We've been together 10 years now.

I think when you're older you are a better judge. I was really enjoying being single having moved to a new city at that time so was really surprised myself with how it went.

Whoknewitcouldbeso Sun 18-Oct-15 17:36:56

My suspicion is that women start to feel the clock ticking on their fertility around 30 so you find quite a lot of couples getting married quickly even if they guy isn't the 'right one'.

Personally I met my fiancé and fell pregnant exceptionally quickly at 36-37. A lot of people raised their eyebrows and thought I was acting like a crazy woman but four years later and we are really happy and a fabulous match. It really could have gone pear shaped though as we had only known each other a matter of months.

buzzaboo Sun 18-Oct-15 21:54:36

I met DH when I was 28 and I took things pretty slowly. We married and moved in 6 years later when I was 33. We've decided not to have dc together (I already have one dc) so I wasn't affected by the whole fertility clock issue, and I was also settled in a nice home with my DS so not in a hurry to move for bill/rent sharing reasons. I think a lot of friends at a similar age were moving quite fast in their relationship for those reasons, and it hasn't always worked out for them.

I didn't have a timeline and in fact we didn't discuss marriage at all before his proposal (after 5 years together), it took me by surprise. I was quite happy dating him and also enjoying my own social life/hobbies independently so it wasn't particularly on my radar at all.

Oysterbabe Sun 18-Oct-15 22:47:54

I was 32 when we met, married after 21 months, got pregnant on honeymoon.

DeepBlueLake Mon 19-Oct-15 00:50:06

I think that is the case OP, I met DH when I just turned 23, we didn't get engaged until I was almost 28 then married 9 months later. We only moved in together after 2 years and those 2 years we weren't that serious (more casual) compared to people who don't meet the 'one' until their 30s / late 20s and are wanting to settle down quickly rather than muck about clubbing etc. We didn't have our first dc until I was 30.

I've definitely noticed that between my friends, the one who meet their DH in their early 20s don't often marry until late 20s. And the ones who met their DH in early 30s marry after a couple of years.

stealthbanana Mon 19-Oct-15 21:37:25

I met DH at 26, he was 37. We moved in after 3 years, got engaged after 5 and married just after my 33rd birthday - just after our 6th anniversary of meeting. There's no way I wanted to go any quicker - I only want to marry once and wanted to be sure I'd really got to know him. Tbh I think people who get married after 6 months are mad - it's just luck as to whether you're compatible at that point. But each to their own! It's not a race or an endurance competition grin

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