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Men & sex

(37 Posts)
Eggfriedrice33 Fri 16-Oct-15 08:06:37

Can men really just fuck & have no 'connection' with the person they're shagging? Even if that sex was fantastic, long & playful? I have a feeling I've been used sad Or do you think there has to be something there if only small?

Notasinglefuckwasgiven Fri 16-Oct-15 08:45:29

Good luck with this. Men ( in my experience ) prize emptying their sack above everything else. Also can't seem to tell the time or their own birthdays anymore while they have an erecting. Just my opinion, pulling on my hard hat as I type....grin so sorry op but it's possible you liked him more than he liked you sadflowerscakewine

Notasinglefuckwasgiven Fri 16-Oct-15 08:46:13

Erecting? hmm really auto correct? Erection.

Trills Fri 16-Oct-15 08:48:14

Some men can.

Some men can't.

Some women can too. Anecdotally fewer but that may be related to societal expectations of how men and women view sexuality.

bodenbiscuit Fri 16-Oct-15 08:49:36

Anyone can have sex without a connection - certainly not just men.

Actually I have a male friend who admits that he himself does tend to get attached to the people he's had sex with even if they're not suitable for him.

The reason why women are supposed to get more attached is because of the oxytocin release that happens. You need to be careful because its certainly the case that the more you have sex with someone, the more attached you become to them. Even if you didn't like them a whole lot to begin with!

JellyBean31 Fri 16-Oct-15 08:56:03

I'm a woman, I can have sex without any emotional connection, only one of my female friends can relate, all the others think I'm lying or in denial about my feelings.... I'm not....

You could flip the question and ask do men ever feel "used"? I know that one guy I was seeing would have wanted more than just sex (I was upfront about it).

NerrSnerr Fri 16-Oct-15 08:57:32

It's not a man thing, it's a person thing. When I was single I could definitely have sex without an emotional connection. Some people can, some can't.

BubsandMoo Fri 16-Oct-15 09:01:13

Well, men are people, and yes, some people, men and women, will enjoy sex for just the physical pleasure and sexual connection in the moment without needing an emotional connection as well.

Now we've got the sexist generalisation out the way grin it sounds like you're upset about a situation OP, what happened? Lying and saying/doing things to 'convince' someone to have sex is different from just not needing emotion to enjoy sex. I think it's like emotional fraud and it's horrible. Sorry OP flowers sad but I wouldn't go worrying about what the other person may/may not feel if it's early on in a potential relationship, if something's not sitting right with you, don't go chasing it. Is my opinion anyway.

Also - not saying men don't do this more frequently than women- the sweeping generalisation just makes me wince horribly. There are plenty of men who are not like that at all.

Babycham1979 Fri 16-Oct-15 09:05:39

Yes, lying/bullshitting to get someone into bed isn't very fair, but then nor is pretending to someone that it's simply 'just sex', when you're secretly hoping to lead them into something more.

People are complicated and relationships are complicated. Lazy gender stereotyping helps noone.

Muckogy Fri 16-Oct-15 09:09:07

yes - men can shag and have no connection to the person they're shagging.
to them, a shag is just that - a shag. a means to get their end away. and then they happily move on to nailing their next conquest.
not all men are like this of course but there's definitely a substantial cohort out there who are.
some men are like dogs. and a dog will take any bone. if you get my drift.

Eekaman Fri 16-Oct-15 09:32:03

As said upthread, it's not a man thing, it's person thing.

Some people can, some don't.

TheKnightsWhoSayNi Fri 16-Oct-15 09:42:36

I know many men who do this. They will just shag and have absolutely no connection with the person they've just slept.

I am also male, and can't do this. I once tried and couldn't bring myself to sleep with them without actually having something deeper than just she was fairly attractive. On the other hand, I've been on the other end of this and had a one night stand with a friend and felt quite empty and unhappy about it when we carried on as just friends thereafter.

There is a lot of pressure as you grow up that having the attitude of just rampantly screwing anyone is manly, and to not do so means "you must be gay". Thankfully, some of us grow out of allowing peer pressure as teenager to dictate our behaviour. I just accept some people enjoy it, some people don't. I only take a distaste to it if you mislead someone with your intentions, which it sounds like this guy has done. Or maybe he just didn't realise you took it as more.

TheKnightsWhoSayNi Fri 16-Oct-15 10:08:33

What I was trying to say is - I personally don't like casual sex. I find it uncomfortable to be so intimate with someone if we don't have a connection and I don't really like them as a person (regardless of attractiveness). This is a stereotypically "girly" attitude, but I'm not ashamed that it's how I feel about sex. On the other hand, it's not shameful for a woman to say she enjoys casual sex. I've known men who do and don't and the same of women.

Shame should only come into it when you have to mislead someone about your intentions to get some, as it were. So think about whether or not he would be aware that it meant something to you, or whether or not he made you think that or whether you were both aware that it was what it was.

Short answer - yes it's possible. No, not all men are like that.

UncertainSmile Fri 16-Oct-15 10:19:11

I'm male, I couldn't do the FWB thing. I can't disconnect sex and emotional contact.

Oneeyedbloke Fri 16-Oct-15 11:00:40

I'd agree it's a person thing not just a man thing. But I reckon men do it more. At least, they say they do - but that's a classic male tactic to avoid having to deal with scary feelings stuff. Tell your mates it was just a shag, who knows, after a while you might believe it yourself. I don't think casual sex is necessarily wrong - as long as there's no deception. I lost my virginity to a fab woman whose attitude was 'What, you're 21 & still not dtd?! Well, let's get that sorted out.' And she did. No strings, bit of a male dream come true in a way - but that was then. Since then, I've always been very much in love - I never wanted any relationship to end, unfortunately my girlfriends did! Married 25 years now. To conclude, OP what a bummer that you feel used, how sad. But the thing about lots of men is, we try to hide from our emotions, and use bed as the perfect hiding place - ie we get our need for intimacy satisfied but then we tell ourselves it was 'just' shagging so we can feel 'strong' not 'weak'. It's utter bollocks, the feelings are there, just unacknowledged.

MephistophelesApprentice Fri 16-Oct-15 11:08:27

I've never wanted a one night stand, as I'd be disappointed in myself if they didn't want another go.

I'd like to believe I'm good enough in action and pleasant enough as company for at least an affectionate acquaintance.

Helmetbymidnight Fri 16-Oct-15 11:12:22

How do you mean 'used'?

Do you mean you went into this hoping it was something/he lead you to believe it was something - or what?

I think most people need a mild connection to a regular shagging partner - but it often doesn't translate into wanting them to be a partner-partner.

DrMorbius Fri 16-Oct-15 11:18:44

UncertainSmile if you had a one night stand would you get, The Sinking Feeling ? wink

UncertainSmile Fri 16-Oct-15 11:19:45

smile

arsenaltilidie Fri 16-Oct-15 11:24:43

For most men sex will NOT change how they feel about you in the first place.

DoorToTheRiver Fri 16-Oct-15 11:31:27

When I was in my 20s I regularly shagged this bloke I had zero feelings for. It was just sex but I did feel a bit used because there was no emotion involved on my part and it felt wrong I guess. Even though he wasn't using me and he had feelings for me.

I bitterly regret it now shit self esteem at the time and couldn't have sex with a bloke now unless I had some feelings involved.

I do think blokes, generally, can separate feelings from sex a lot easier than women. I'm not talking about ONS but a regular shagging partner.

Shinyhappypeople9 Fri 16-Oct-15 11:44:00

The fact that some men will happily use prostitutes/escorts answers the question.

magiccatlitter Fri 16-Oct-15 12:12:27

Many certainly can have sex just to have it. Women can too as prostitutes can do it with no emotion or connection.

gatewalker Fri 16-Oct-15 12:20:05

Speaking entirely generally, I think that men compartmentalise things more than women, i.e. shut a particular event/feeling/impulse off from everything else. It is a tactic that was frequently essential to survival when life was rather more dangerous for most of us.

Though there are women who can do this very effectively too.

TheKnightsWhoSayNi Fri 16-Oct-15 13:22:26

In reality, I don't think the attitude is as common as you think. It's basically an optical illusion because it's a number game.

Guys like that are often good at playing the game. They'll have slept with 20 women, and treated them like crap after getting what they wanted. 20 women will now remember this one guy, and remember his actions more than the half a dozen guys you've met who weren't pushy and were nice to you.

And now remember that they may not be very good at it, and plenty of women won't fall for it or have no interest. So they often operate on the basis of throwing enough crap, some of it sticks. Ask 100 women for sex, maybe one will say yes. I've seen them message dozen's of their Facebook friends (yes, adults not teenagers) trying to chat them up. With Online dating they'll simply go through all local listings with a generic message hoping one will answer, or come on to every woman they speak to. Now with only five guys doing this, one hundred women have been asked out five times recently.

Try looking at the quiet majority.

And Shiney, all my life, I've known 2 people to admit to using a prostitute. And I've known a lot of people. Most could never.

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