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Would you date someone who had cheated in their previous marriage?

(64 Posts)
TangledUpInGin Wed 14-Oct-15 07:48:16

Just that really? Chatting to a guy who had an affair, his marriage wasn't working, they tried counselling but obviously didn't work. He said he regrets having the affair, the woman meant nothing (hmm) and he wished he'd ended his marriage with dignity. My ex had an affair so I'm not sure if I'm overreacting by not wanting to carry on chatting? He's been very honest in telling me, especially after he knew what had happened to me. I'm of the view that if you've done this before, you'll do it again?

Spidertracker Wed 14-Oct-15 07:59:06

I wouldn't, a leopard never changes its spots etc.
That said I am sure that there are people who have married a previous cheater and changed them, but if it was me I would be spending my life wondering/waiting for it to happen.

ExConstance Wed 14-Oct-15 08:01:53

I would not rule out a relationship with someone who had cheated in a previous marriage. I won't set out the circumstances which for me could be acceptable but consolation in difficult times with a close friend would probably be about it. I would however never have a relationship with someone who had had a continuing sexual relationship with a woman who "meant nothing" that says it all about his character.

Anastasie Wed 14-Oct-15 08:02:02

No I wouldn't - not when he gives that as his pathetic reason. And the comment about her meaning nothing would have me saying 'bye' and deleting him entirely.

Follow your hmm

CocoPlum Wed 14-Oct-15 08:03:31

I don't think I could. My ex denied cheating but at the very least had an emotional affair an over a year on I'm not sure how easy it would be to trust someone again, so from a starting point of them having cheated before, it would be even harder.

Thefitfatty Wed 14-Oct-15 08:03:52

Well I wasn't married, but I was engaged for 6 years and cheated on my fiancee. I was 22 and it was a bad relationship that never should have gone on as long as it did. I was also suffering the beginning stages of bi-polar among other things, which made me very reckless.

10 years down the road I've been married to DH for over 5 years (together for 7), and I wouldn't dream of cheating. Not just because I love DH, but because of how horrid I felt when I cheated on my ex-fiancee. It wasn't worth it. Sometimes people need to make mistakes to learn from them.

redannie118 Wed 14-Oct-15 08:05:24

I think hes been very honest and no I dont agree that it will always happen again ,it would be a different scenario if he had been shagging all over the place and you only heard about it on the grapevine,but it seems like a one off he genuinely regrets. The fact hes told you up front before you get too involved is a good sign too. I will say however that if you have trust issues it may not be the best thing for you.

Joysmum Wed 14-Oct-15 08:06:58

I wouldn't in that case because he's trying to justify it by saying 'it meant nothing' rather than saying he was wrong without the caveats.

If there were reasons and explanations why ultimately that cheater believed they had the right to cheat, so there always will be reasons why they'll have the right to cheat again when things aren't going their way.

SongBird16 Wed 14-Oct-15 08:07:29

He's already told you he's a liar and a cheat, capable of manipulation and deceit to get what he wants, so I wouldn't want him or be able to attach too much credence to his story.

CMOTDibbler Wed 14-Oct-15 08:12:04

No, I wouldn't. Because it shows a fundamental lack of respect for their spouse and to me that is far bigger than what they do with their genitals.

In OPs case, telling her that 'the woman meant nothing' additionally disrespects that woman as well.

lighteningirl Wed 14-Oct-15 08:15:11

Men and women cheat for a lot of reasons and sometimes find it very hard to articulate those reasons. My dh cheated in his previous marriage but he views it as just another way he desperately tried to make his first marriage to an ea work. He tried everything rather than leave his dc. He is the kindest nicest most faithful man I know. We have been married nearly ten amazing years I am really glad I wasn't wearing my judgy pants when we started dating.

00100001 Wed 14-Oct-15 08:18:45

No - because imo there's never an excuse to have an affair.

Lweji Wed 14-Oct-15 08:19:30

I agree with pps in relation to the not meaning anything. And the continued affair. Presumably he got caught out, rather than came clean.

I'd probably be more forgiving of falling in love with someone else and being honest about it.

Secondtimeround75 Wed 14-Oct-15 08:22:44

No

My friend did and 10 yrs later he did it to her.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Wed 14-Oct-15 08:26:12

An married acquaintance of mine (not quite a friend), 30, daughter aged 3, last year had a fling with a guy. Husband was a really decent guy and was totally devastated. She has since moved in with new man. New man has form for cheating on the mother of his children and so they are both as bad as each other. Interestingly, she has been having counselling for the last 9 months for issues of "extreme jealousy and trust issues". Of her own making.

BolshierAryaStark Wed 14-Oct-15 08:33:53

I wouldn't no, he's admitted he's capable of lying & cheating, these are not qualities I look for in a potential partner.

WorzelsCornyBrows Wed 14-Oct-15 08:35:42

In a word, no.

patienceisvirtuous Wed 14-Oct-15 08:47:14

No. I have a friend who is dating someone who cheated on his wife, left her for ow, then cheated on ow. Both times he cheated it was long-term deceit. He then left his last ex because they had fertility problems. I worry for her tbh sad

magiccatlitter Wed 14-Oct-15 08:58:46

So her regrets the affair because the ow meant nothing or because having an affair is the wrong way of handling things?

I see his honesty as a set up tbh. It's like "I'm telling you I'm this way so it's all on you if I cheat later because after all I told you and you accepted me anyway."

MrsTammySwanson Wed 14-Oct-15 09:00:01

No

ComeDownToMe Wed 14-Oct-15 09:02:04

DP cheated when he was married. I did think once a cheater always a cheater and needed reassurance he wouldn't do it to me.

He has reassured me. It does not excuse his cheating but people behave differently with different people. I think if the relationship is good most people don't cheat, if there are problems then some people will cheat.

ChilliAndMint Wed 14-Oct-15 09:04:10

Not for someone who had an affair and tells you ow meant " nothing" to him.

If it was the case of him falling madly in love with the other woman ,I might see things in a different light.

Joysmum Wed 14-Oct-15 09:06:44

I think if the relationship is good most people don't cheat, if there are problems then some people will cheat

hmm

TheDowagerCuntess Wed 14-Oct-15 09:09:40

Hmm, I would be very wary... Which is completely hypocritical of me, since I cheated on my ex. With someone who also meant nothing.

It's not something I will ever do again. I was young and arrogantly naive. Nothing could induce me to cheat on DH.

TheDowagerCuntess Wed 14-Oct-15 09:13:24

^I think if the relationship is good most people don't cheat, if there are problems then some people will cheat.

grin

So, in conclusion, most people in good relationships don't cheat (but some therefore will). And if there are problems, some will cheat (but some won't).

And on Mondays the sun will mostly shine. But it might also rain.

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