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Leaving DH but how to get him to accept it?

(30 Posts)
Malamutes Mon 12-Oct-15 13:32:07

DH had an affairs in 2010, I wasn't strong enough at the time to leave him and he put it down to a drunken mistake, it was with my best mate - clearly I haven't forgotten or forgiven. AF and WWIFN were a wonderful support at the time and the LTB was unanimous from MN.

There are plenty of other issues which I don't want to go into but I have given him countless chances and he has said the right thing but then reverted back to type. I usually get the blame. He blames alcohol but refuses to accept he is an alcoholic and go to AA. Through counselling, me not him, I know I need to stop trying to change him.

I am a much stronger person now and have my career kind of on track, children are older and I feel able to leave him and have a chance of being happy. Until recently I honestly didn't think I deserved to be happy at the cost of my families happiness BUT a miserable mum is no good for anyone.

I told him a week ago I want to separate. He is trying to convince me otherwise, being lovely and looking really sad and then saying I am being selfish and owe it to our children to try again.

So, I am off to see a solicitor as soon as I can BUT this will break his heart if he just gets a letter saying I want a divorce so how can I convince him that I want to separate? I have told him and emailed him a number of times. I know I have cried wolf many times before but so mean it this time.

Thank you reading and sharing your advice with me.

miaowroar Mon 12-Oct-15 13:38:06

saying I am being selfish and owe it to our children to try again

This says it all doesn't it? You HAVE tried again, multiple times, and he has reverted to type every time. If he blames the drink but won't go to AA then what he is in fact saying is, "Every time I fuck up it is because of drink but I won't stop drinking so you need to give me more chances or YOU aren't being fair to our children".

He has had his chances - lots of them - and didn't take them. It is not fair to children to give them the example of an alcoholic father or the idea that it is down to the mother to put up with this.

TBH I think that probably an official letter is the only way he will believe you.

Malamutes Mon 12-Oct-15 13:47:13

Thanks Mia. I felt so strong and in control a week ago but feel myself losing the will at the moment, had no idea how absolutely draining the whole thing is. The reason I stayed was for the children but have been made to see how wrong it is for them to be surrounded by drink and that might have a gene that makes them predisposed to being an alcoholic. My family are full of them as our my DH family. My God alcohol ruins so many lives.

He is in denial re, being an alcoholic, not quite sure why he can't accept he has an issue and get help. Counsellor explained that it is an addiction BUT family on one hand a booze on the other, how could he not choose us?

Tbh even if he did go to AA it is too late. I have lost my love for him and just feel so unbelievable sad, old, downtrodden, broken - physically I am also falling apart, spots, nose bleeds, not eating one day and binging the next. The last week has been the longest and most depressing.

Wow wee if you are still reading apologies for the pity fest!

FantasticButtocks Mon 12-Oct-15 13:48:26

I'd send him an email, saying you've told him it's over and, just to make things clear, you are not going to change your mind, and do not wish to enter into further debate about it, so he should expect a letter from your solicitor soon.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 12-Oct-15 14:36:00

I found this on facebook last week.
It says it all really

The more chances you give someone
The less respect they’ll start to have for you.
They’ll begin to ignore the standards that you’ve set
Because they’ll know another chance will always be given.
They’re not afraid to lose you because
They know, no matter what, you won’t walk away.
They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness.
Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting you!

I don't think you will convince him and who gives a shiny shite about how heart broken he will be?? What about everything he has put you through?
Please don't worry about him and his reaction.
You do NOT need his permission to divorce him.
Get the paperwork out and then get your exit plan in place.
In the meantime start the separation from your side. So no more cooking. shopping. washing, cooking. cleaning for him.
Well done OP. You are sounding strong.

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 12-Oct-15 15:53:44

You don't need to convince him. He's the one who has to do the work of facing reality, all by himself.
Just do the paperwork, and focus on your own (and DC's) needs.

If he doesn't "accept" it, that's his problem to handle. You don't need his approval to divorce him.

Malamutes Mon 12-Oct-15 16:50:49

Thank you! Just been reading threads in divorce / separation section, sounds difficult BUT for the women on the other side of divorce the relief is immense. Must stay strong, not give in as I have done all of these years and think of kids and myself.

Still worried about his reaction though when it finally hits home that I mean it. We are still sharing a bed, no spare room, can't bear it, we both lie there and the silence is so weighted and awkward I end up getting up and watching TV something I never have a chance for usually! On that note I love First Dates! Would recommend.....now I'm waffling and off topic. Off to collect kids hope to read more words of wisdom / encouragement on my return!

Phoenix69 Mon 12-Oct-15 17:02:15

Stay strong. The source of your sadness is his alcoholism, which you have explained to him, yet he does nothing about it. He blames alcohol for his problems and then blames you, when the blame lies with his inability to take your needs into account. You are not the priority for him, alcohol and the blame game is.

You have given him plenty of chances to seek proper help and now it has come to the point where you have fallen out of love with him and who could blame you. Nobody should be made to feel downtrodden, sad and old by someone they have tried countless times to help. You deserve better.

From experience with friends who have divorced, the moment they were told that the OH was no longer in love with them they were able to face the reality.

I'm sure you will be able to move on from what must be a dark time with worry and find true happiness. Take care.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 12-Oct-15 17:34:23

There is only one way to convince him that you want to leave him, and that is to do it. Very sad that it will "break his heart" but why does that give him the right to break yours on a daily basis? You cannot rely on him to be co-operative, since it isn't in his interests to do so. Let's face it, if he showed proper consideration for your feelings you wouldn't be in the position of wanting to separate.

XH never did accept the idea of divorce, but I did it anyway, because it was necessary. It certainly wasn't fun. He seemed to think if he dragged his feet for long enough I would give up on this silly divorce idea and get back in my nice filthy cluttered box. It annoyed me because once again he was not taking me seriously. Fortunately the court did take me seriously. He wasn't happy about it but guess what: he survived.

miaowroar Mon 12-Oct-15 17:41:11

Just been reading threads in divorce / separation section, sounds difficult BUT for the women on the other side of divorce the relief is immense

This is so true - and in my case as soon as he left the house my spirits lifted immediately and I regained lots of energy. This will happen to you too.

I feel so sorry for you having to share a bed - can't one of you sleep downstairs on the sofa. We did this towards the end - it's good sleeping on the sofa, you can watch tv and make a brew if you can't sleep.

Malamutes Mon 12-Oct-15 17:58:47

Mia can ask how long it took for you saying you wanted to seperate to him moving out of the house? We have a lovely sofa which I would happily move onto if I need to.

Must confess to be dreading telling the kids and thus trying to put a normal face on everything which I think had confused DH as I'm seem my normal chirpy self at times.

Annie you are right I need to stop worrying about him and his feelings so much. He sent me a message saying he was crying, I thought about all the times I took muself off for a private weep and would never dream about telling him about it! We are definitely reaching emotional blackmail terrority now with references to how my behaviour will destroy him and our children.

Some of my friends are divorced / separated and their kids, some are my kids friends are all ok, it wasn't easy for any of them but they got through it.

Phoenix thank you for your wise words, I wish for his sake and the kids he would seek help re.alcohol addiction but I can't ask him anymore, I have failed miserably on that score, but counsellor said I must stop blaming myself. He is responsible for his actions.

Ok will try and talk tomorrow as tonight is busy with various activities, thinking a strong email followed up by a conversation away from the children...........???????

Jan45 Mon 12-Oct-15 18:06:39

Sorry but he either does not love you or more than likely is incapable of loving anyone else apart from himself and booze.

You owe him Jack Shit, sounds like he owes you plenty and will never be able to repay.

Stay for what, more crap thrown at you whilst he carries on like Jack the Lad, please do it, you will not regret it, life is too short to waste on a creep who thinks nothing of you or your marriage.

Heartbroken - yes because he will be losing his nice and dependable foot wipe.

Stay strong, you have happier times ahead I am sure of it.

Malamutes Mon 12-Oct-15 18:25:05

Jan that is very direct and probably just what I need to hear. Haven't been happy in my marriage for years, time to stop being a bloody drip and sort it out.

Thankfully I have plenty of wonderful friends and immediate family close by who know what I have out up with over the years so will support me through this.

I do smile just thinking about my 'freedom' when I don't be to worry about him getting drunk and crashing around the house, the verbal abuse when I try to help him to bed and general not knowing what is going to happened next.

Thank you.

Phoenix69 Mon 12-Oct-15 22:37:21

I'm sure your friends will rally and be supportive and help you cope with the emotional roller coaster ahead before you get to the 'freedom'

Maybe this process will help Him seek proper help for his addiction leading to a healthier relationship for your kids with him in the future.

cozietoesie Mon 12-Oct-15 22:43:55

You've already told him and told him and told him, Malamutes - only the solicitor's letter will make it sink home and hinder his manipulation. Just try to keep going until then.

On a related matter - when did you last get some decent sleep?

cozietoesie Mon 12-Oct-15 22:47:04

PS - you said that you had great friends and family nearby. Might one of them come over and sleep on the famous sofa for a few nights to give you moral support when the letter arrives? It could dilute the situation a little.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 13-Oct-15 08:22:38

He sent me a message saying he was crying
HE HE HE - blimey, it's still about him isn't it?
Has he even acknowledged what he has put you through and is he even worried about you and how you are doing?

I'm glad you have some RL support. Start to tell people, it will make it all the more real.

Malamutes Tue 13-Oct-15 16:24:31

Hello, was feeling really cross at work today as he kept texting and sending kisses so I sent another email saying it was over and I was fed up explaining why. I will speak to him when he gets home from work.

Getting some sleep, thank you. A couple of close friends know and they have been wonderful. They have seen me in pieces over the years and keep telling me to leave him and he has no respect for me to treat me this poorly.

Over the years I have tried to move on from him so understand why he thinks he can just out his head and keep his fingers crosses.

Felt real today as I started looking at my finances, not pleasant reading.

ThisOldFool Wed 14-Oct-15 01:58:51

Hi, sorry you've got to this stage. Have you got anywhere you and DC's can go - parents, good friends, whatever? If so, just up sticks and leave. flowers

scallopsrgreat Wed 14-Oct-15 06:42:53

Mala, when he starts down the route of "you owe it to the kids", remind him of all the times he owed it to the kids and did nothing about his behaviour, in fact did the opposite and sabotaged your relationship. If anyone owes if to the kids it's him. I'm angry on your behalf. He has such a sense of entitlement.

AnyFucker Wed 14-Oct-15 07:08:59

I have lost my love for him

And this is down to him. This is all you need to say. Rinse and repeat. Stuck record.

The thing is, love, the only person who really needs to be convinced that this is now over is you

Once that happens, if you really want it, the rest will follow

Malamutes Wed 14-Oct-15 20:26:46

Thank you all. Yes I need to stop being made to feel so shit by his sad face and constant messages saying we owe it to the kids.

AF you posted all the way back in 2010, my name was SimplyTes, I had to get my post deleted as issued names and all sort of personal info as I was in complete shock at the time. My BF phoned me to say she had been to a truth retreat and wanted to tell me she had it off with my first couple of boyfriends when I was at Uni, wasn't impressed but said don't worry I forgive you, she then told me when she was babysitting for me and DH, after I went to bed she gave DH a BJ on my sofa after they had been talking about sex for a while. I stopped her there, said I didn't want to know anything else and for her to never contact me again.

I phoned DH at work, I was looking after my two DS plus taking my PGCE, plus my grandad had died that morning. Asked DH to come home. He didn't. Came home usual time. Apologies made and he said it was a drunken mistake.

Clearly five years on I have neither forgotten one detail of the day or forgiven. The time has come for me and boys to start afresh. Lots of other stuff but surely this on its own is enough! Must stop feeling guilty!

Thank you again everyone.

AnyFucker Wed 14-Oct-15 20:31:34

I remember you x

Don't give him any more of your precious lie, love

AnyFucker Wed 14-Oct-15 20:31:50

*LIFE

Muckogy Thu 15-Oct-15 09:36:22

he may never accept that you are leaving, or have left.
but that really is not your problem because you can't control what other people think or feel.
who cares what he thinks?

the main thing is you are going. and you're right to go. he's a tosser.
don't worry about him. i have a strong feeling that he'll be shacked up nice and snug with some other pair of knickers before we can whistle for it.

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