Comunication breakdown with ex

[MrsClusterfuck]

Since the split with controlling, abusive ex in the summer, he has become increasingly hostile and its reached the point where communication (unless written) has totally broken down. He's very manipulative and clever (most of it is done behind my back) so it's hard to pull him up on anything.

At drop-off time with our DC he now won't speak to me at all but directs all questions/statements through our son (who is 4). He never offers up any information about what DC has done with his weekend, or what any plans are coming up (so I can pack clothing etc accordingly) and I'm left to glean what's going on through DC. I do ask ex questions or for feedback on things but he gives very little away. I'm trying really hard not to pester DC with questions as it's not fair on him, he's only 4.

I know ex is getting a real kick out of refusing to communicate properly with me. Neither of us have family nearby I could use as a go-between and I've lost my social circle as ex has spread lies about me.

I've thought about suggesting a contact diary for us both to fill in so we can give information to each other, but no doubt he will refuse. I suppose I could go through the solicitor but as I don't have much money I can't really afford to spend the money - we have the divorce looming and he's fighting every step.

Any suggestions on what to do?

[OurBlanche]

Stop it! The more you try to make things work between you the more control he will have, all he has to to wind you up and piss you off is to do nothing!

Send your son in weather appropriate clothing, smile and wave goodbye. If he needs more his dad can buy it for him.

Let him fight you tooth and nail, let him waste his energy. Let the court set it all out for both of you. Then anything else he does/wants can be referred back to that decision.

You left him, don't let his behaviour drag you back in. He does not get to rule your life just because you share a child. You simply MUST disengage NOW, or you will be dancing to his tune forever.

You do not need to know what his dad has planned. I know that is so contrary to your maternal instinct, but that is your new reality. Unless ex is proven to be an unfit parent he is free to do as he wants, just as he would have been had you stayed together. The difference for you is that you can ignore it.... and should!

And of course, he has no need to know what you are doing, so a joint calendar is unecessary.

[MrsClusterfuck]

He wont buy clothes for him. We're still some distance off going to court for the divorce so nothing is really settled yet. But the longer it gets left, the harder it is to embed it with ex as he just says 'we've never done it like this before so I wont'.

Its very difficult to disengage when DC comes home with 'we were going to go swimming but couldnt because you didnt pack my swimsuit' when I didnt know.

[Sighing]

It's stupidly irritating when an ex is such an idiot. I kept a bag of basics as though
for a weeks holiday (I actually found it easier when the weather was bad). I never varied what was in it (except by size). Eventually, as DC grew in abilities, it came to them to communicate what clothes they wanted.

[temporarilyjerry]

DC comes home with 'we were going to go swimming but couldnt because you didnt pack my swimsuit' when I didnt know.

"Perhaps Daddy could get you a swimsuit for when you're at his house." and .

[MrsClusterfuck]

But then DC gets really upset with 'but daddy wont' . He knows already that ex doesnt have his best interests at heart.

[Isetan]

Detach, detach and detach.

Make swimming trunks part of your sons basic 'contact with dad' kit. Your Ex feeds off your frustrations and attempts at verbal communication only fuels the behaviour. Keep hand overs short and sweet, deliver kisses and words of support for your son before you open the door to your Ex.

Next time your Ex tries to communicate through your son, acknowledge your son with a smile and a nod. Inform your ex via email that anything regarding contact needs to be done by email (establishing a paper trail), any attempts to circumnavigate this method of communication will be ignored.

Take back control by disengaging from the childish behaviour of this man baby. Detaching won't necessarily change his behaviour (that's his call) but it will help you to create distance between you and his childishness, which I hope will help you with dealing with any future acts of emotionally manipulative behaviour.

Keep strong.

[Gohackyourself]

Hi,

I just wanted to add - good advice here for me- I'm kinda in the same situation and its screwing me up how much control his dad has over me still/ because he's a shit dad, no planning, organisation preparation on his part with his son.
I supply clothes etc an then never get them back which infuriates me (he's on treble my money).
I posted my own thread regarding getting solid advice on how to not be so angry, these bits of advice here are a good way to start.
Thank you