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Friends not lovers...

(10 Posts)
Notahappybunny76 Sun 11-Oct-15 14:27:17

Basically DH and I started life together as friends. We met through work and it took us over two years to get together with both of us having relationships/flings in the meantime.

However we finally admitted feelings for one another and got together. All was good and we had some good times.

Fast forward 16 years and we are
Married with a child.

We are still the best of friends, have no major arguments and he is a good dad and does his share around the house. He supports me in what i do and we are financial equals despite him Working longer hours and in a better paid role. He is kind, considerate and helpful and we can still chat like we did when we started out.

The one problem is the lack of intimacy in our relationship. We have never been at it like
Rabbits except for maybe the first couple of months and even then I wouldn't use Rabbits as a good example!

Over the years it has declined and I would say is now down to less than 5/6 times a year.

We had a chat about this and he says he just hasn't got a high libido and rarely fancies it. Deep down I got the feeling he doesn't really fancy me and so I asked him. His answer was that he finds me
Attractive but said he doesn't think we have great sexual chemistry together! Clearly this was upsetting but I asked him to be totally honest and so he was!

I have gone along with things in the past without making a big deal of it as in general I have been happy with my life and I love my family and love him.

It's just that as I am close to 40, I am starting to wonder it this is it for
Life. I suppose it has to be if I want to stay in the life I have.

Not sure what I am asking really. Perhaps wondering it there are other couples out there like this?

wonderingsoul Sun 11-Oct-15 14:55:58

Could a chat about spicing up your sex life do any good?
Asking if he would like to try some thing, even if it's not something you'd actually do just talking about fantasya can ignition and bring couples closer. Work out what each other has to do or change so your both happy.

Is he willing to work on it?

Do you still make time to go out as a couple?

You don't have to answer these. . More food for thought.

Notahappybunny76 Sun 11-Oct-15 15:28:38

Thanks wondering, bizarrely it seems to be a difficult subject for us to talk about despite literally being able to talk about anything else.

We have had spells in the past where it has livened up a bit after we talk about it, yet almost always goes back to the way it was.

We do go out as a couple, not often due to having little support but when we do, it ends up us talking about work or our Child or something else we could talk about at home.

I think the little romance we had at the start has just slowly eroded over time and we struggle to see one another as sexual beings. I still find him physically attractive but I am not sure he does with me.

As I mentioned in my post, we have never really been a rip your clothes off the minute you walk through the door couple, even in the first few
months.

I think relighting a fire that was only flickering in the first place could prove difficult.

midlife2015 Wed 14-Oct-15 11:17:51

Hi notahappybunny
I am in a similar situation (have previous message on here advice ref marriage) yet it s me not being attracted towards my husband. I am the same age as you and at this very difficult crossroad. what is good is that you still find him physically attractive - do you think you can work on it together? Having spoken honestly to my DH after years of suppressed feelings I do feel better yet a long way off from being settled and happy . Hope you manage to work it out

Notahappybunny76 Wed 14-Oct-15 11:55:34

Thanks for the reply midlife. I'm
Not sure what the answer is, I don't think he does either. We have a nice life and I think I'm just going to have to accept it if I want to keep that life!

Jan45 Wed 14-Oct-15 14:25:52

I think when you are in this situation you have to ask yourself, would you be together if no kids, if the answer is no then really you have the answer.

Can't you stay friends but both go out there and find a more substantial loving relationship?

Staying for a nice life is inadequate in my book, I couldn't, the person and the attraction would top that for miles but each to their own I suppose.

midlife2015 Wed 14-Oct-15 16:43:40

That is one question I ask myself jan45 is right and I know if we didn't have DC s I would not be withDH
I think every situation is different and people are happy to stay for certain reasons notahappybunny whatever you decide hope you are happy life can certainly be complicated as I know!

Notahappybunny76 Wed 14-Oct-15 17:26:20

It's very complicated and can make life very drab. However there is zero guarantee of me finding this elsewhere with someone who has all the other qualities of DH. I read the dating threads on here and the thought horrifies me rather than excites. I might suggest we open up the relationship though god knows how you start with that.

Proceedwithcaution Wed 14-Oct-15 20:35:25

Go out and cheat but don't post about it here the netmums brigade will eat you alive!!

restlessat50 Sun 18-Oct-15 09:06:17

I think as Jan45 said staying for a nice life is not sufficient maybe what you need to consider is how your life will look 10 years or so down the line once your DC is off to university etc as that is often crunch time. I am in a similiar situation where we r good friends but physicsl side not so good and now we are considering whether we have a future together and I have to say I have looked into the abyss and it doesn't look so bad i would rsther b single than spend the rest of my life with someone I don't find attractive there is life beyond marriage but it is sometimes difficult to see that particularly when bringing up DC's.

Good luck I hope you find the answers you are looking for be brave in your decisions

From what you have said I think you know the answer really but seems you are You only get one stab at life so staying w someone because it is comfy and scared of what is on the other side

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