Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Casual sex confusion.(254 Posts)
Ok. Will try to keep this as succinct as possible.
Met man around three years ago. Felt an intense chemistry between us but he was married so obviously nothing could happen. He admitted having feelings for me, things all got a bit fraught, I felt angry and guilty and consequently my behaviour became a little unhinged. I realised we were crossing a line even discussing it, so broke off all contact. I know I didn't behave well and should not have let things get even that far. I was in a terrible place at the time (not trying to excuse myself, just adding some context).
About a year ago he tried contacting me. This time I was in a much better place in terms of self esteem and was swift in shutting him down, telling him if he was still married then I would not contemplate any contact whatsoever between us.
Very recently I discovered through a mutual acquaintance that he had been separated for a while. And in a weak moment I contacted him. He seemed so pleased to hear from me - he has been living apart from his wife for a year, says he is in a good place, and the conversation quickly turned to when we met and how we felt about each other. The intense physical attraction had been mutual he said. He had "wanted me so much" but had not been prepared to engage in an extra-marital affair (as neither had I). But now he was single so was I going to come to him or would he come to me?
He was pretty quick off the mark and the first one to bring up the idea of us getting together. I at first expressed reservations: 1) That it was entirely possible that we would meet and no longer feel the same about each other, and 2) That I had been hurt and confused before and didn't want to go through the same again. That I had had romantic as well as sexual attraction to him and so was wary of having my feelings hurt.
He said he understood and that despite having been separated for a year was probably not ready to commit to anything other than "good times". I had a think about it and replied saying, "Well look, I want good times too" (I do - it's been a long time for me) "so let's just have a weekend together, see how it goes (after all we may no longer even fancy each other) and then if it looks like things are going to get too complicated at any point we always have the option to knock it on the head?"
He says yes. Of course he wants to see me so let's do that. And let's see each other as soon as possible. He is hellishly busy but will get back to me with a weekend he can do asap. I say great. Can't wait.
That was a week ago. And I've heard nothing since.
I'm not asking for advice on a plan of action. I've already decided I will not contact him. If he wants to see me he will contact me, and if he doesn't then me contacting him to ask whyyyyy won't help and will just be humiliating.
But I would like some help trying to understand. I have agreed to giving a casual relationship a try. And I really am honestly prepared to give it a try. He doesn't have to want me for a girlfriend - I just really really want to finally consummate this attraction between us (the thought is so exciting I can barely contain myself). If that's all it is then ok. I can deal. But now it seems he doesn't want to and I just don't understand. Why would any man who wanted any woman as much as he says he did me, not want to have sex?
Did I imagine this chemistry? Impossible I think - those kind of sparks can't be faked. He is lying that he felt it too? Is he just busy and taking his time making plans (in which case why isn't he more enthusiastic?) Is he worried that it will inevitably result in some kind of negative fall out? And if he has changed his mind, why doesn't he just say?
I refuse to go crawling to him for answers and so have posted here. Thank you for reading. Would appreciate all and any thoughts.
Try and relax. He said he was seriously busy and it's only been a week. He is also very aware that you potentially have deeper feelings for him than just wanting a good time. You know very well that although you're up for casual fun with him, deep down a little part of you would be eager for it to potentially turn into more. He knows this and is trying to keep you a little at arms length to stop you rushing into him. Look how on edge you are already about this supposedly casual thing not happening soon enough. I can totally relate btw, but before things start you need to be very very honest with yourself. He'll be in touch end of next week I reckon.
But it was his idea. Him that brought it up. I don't get it. Do you just never believe a single word anybody says now, about how they feel and what they want? Is that the way the world works now?
Sorry Haunted, cross posted. Yes you're right. I do need to be honest with myself. But I honestly am not going to know how I feel or what I might want from any relationship until we see each other again. We might take one look at each other and think, "Eh??? Really???" Although to be honest I doubt it. I've nosed at his Facebook photos and he's still effing gorgeous.
fishfingers be careful. Your post screams emotional investment through and through. The product effectively of 3yrs waiting. You've handled this brilliantly so far but are at risk of getting hurt. If you were feeling genuinely up for something casual you would not be posting here. Deep breaths bow, he's busy, it's been only a week. Check yourself and take care of yourself. Maybe the best thing that could happen here is that he's a crap shag and you move on....
Handywoman I have thought exactly that If he's a crap shag then that would make things easier.
I know there's a risk here. But I want to let this play out. I just want to see...
I know he's been out of the country on business this week too. He travels a lot with work and is genuinely snowed under I think.
Fish you keep using the word over and over again: 'relationship'. Even a casual relationship may be more than this man wants. He may just want, if you're good in bed together, to meet say once a month for fun and enjoy the moment together. That's not even worthy of the title casual relationship, but its a set up that can work.
I don't think that would be enough for you. As the poster above says, you want to invest. He can sense it. He's making sure he keeps things cooled down so you don't get the chance to bubble over.
Don't let this become a situation of heartbreak where the man was pretty clear about his intentions from the start.
I know he's been out of the country on business this week too.
If that's the case then I would assume he's simply still very busy and hasn't yet been able to arrange a weekend. If he has children then that may also be a factor in finding time to see you, since I'd expect him to be seeing them EOW at least.
I would say though, tread very carefully. You do sound very invested, whereas if this was some random bloke you were planning on hooking up with, I think you would have just gone "Oh he didn't contact me. Oh well. Meh" and be onto the next prospect.
He has his children three nights a week (which nights, and whether it's variable, I don't know).
Fish! He has his kids 3 nights a week plus works loads and abroad too! Give him a break!
I bet he is with someone else. He was ready to cheat on his wife with you but you said no. Finally left her for someone else and is now ready to cheat on new woman with you.
If you say yes you will be the next woman he cheats on.
Bet you. A hundred zillion quid!
Backintherealworld: That's one hell of a jump. I wouldn't assume that.
He wasn't ready to cheat on his wife with me. Going there was a no no for us both. That doesn't mean he hasn't had an affair since I suppose, but I don't think so.
I think it's entirely possible he may be seeing other people on a casual basis. He hasn't mentioned anyone, but somehow I can't see him alone for long. But I'm certain he lives alone (except for his kids of course).
I see what you're saying BrokenHearted. It's true that I want to see him very much.
But I also know that I'm strong enough to break contact again if need be. I've done it before. I know that I can walk away. I know that I won't contact him again if he does not get in touch to re-arrange. I'm not going begging.
Op: no one is ever too busy to make a quick phone call - absolutely no one.
I'm sorry. He's not that interested.
I think casual sex hook ups are a big mistake for women. Especially those that are a bit emotionally vulnerable.
You haven't had sex with him yet and you're already fretting that it's been a week and you've not heard from him. Imagine how you're going to feel, if you have a weekend away together, there's a spark for you, you have sex....and then when you get home, he takes 2 weeks to call (or never calls)! You're going to drive yourself nuts with anxiety. Is it worth it? And please remember, that women tend to get emotionally attached if they are having good sex with someone. Men can separate sex and love very easily. And that has been biologically proven.
He has already told you, that he doesn't want anything serious (translation: "I'd might shag you, on and off, on my terms, until I find someone better"). You are worth more than this, surely?
I would divert your time and energy in to dating men that are actually available. That could lead to something real and fulfilling.
This guy has Disaster written all over him.
The thing is, whilst you might be able and ready to break contact again, you clearly didn't get over him whilst you weren't talking - you just suspended contact. Now you're talking again, it's clear to you, him and us that you are as emotionally invested as you ever were.
You can't second guess what his motives are, you'll never work it out. You have to work on facts.
You suggested finding a weekend to have casual sex and see what happened. He agreed. He hasn't arranged. He might have been busy, but from the sounds of it, he hasn't even text you to ask how you are or apologise for being busy. Nothing at all.
If anything was going to come of this, he'd need to be prepared to make an effort for you, he's unlikely to get less busy. He isn't, even now, when you should be new and exciting and he should be dying to see you. It'll only get worse.
Whilst it could all go well once you've seen him again, it could also go hideously wrong. He could have planned to just have sex with you but now be backing off because he's seen how emotionally attached you are, he could never plan to meet you, he could be undecided.
You have a really high chance of getting hurt with this. He's probably not worth that risk. He's definitely not acting like he's worth that risk.
I agree - your chances of getting hurt here are sky high.
He's told you he doesn't want a relationship - now whether that's with you or with anyone, it doesn't really matter. It's not going to happen.
So basically you are saying to him, "Well, why don't we hook up? I know you don't want a relationship, so we'll just meet for sex. I do really like you so much that I'm willing to do that."
Have some respect for yourself! If he sleeps with you once and dumps you, you will be horrified and badly hurt.
Better to say to him, "Let's leave it. I'm not after anything casual." That way he might come back to you later. If you sleep with him now he won't.
AnchorDown Everything you say makes sense, although it's not strictly true that I don't get over him in between bouts of contact. I don't pine for him or think about him daily when he's not around. I get on with my life and have crushes and go on dates with other people. It's more like the old feelings are reignited when we get back in contact IYSWIM.
ImperialBlether Why does engaging in casual sex mean I don't have respect for myself? I see what you're saying but I haven't seen him in three years. It's possible we might have sex and it turns out to be me that doesn't want to do it again. Yes I had romantic feelings before and I'm certainly wary of the possibility of getting hurt, but I don't know how things are going to play out.
I guess I just feel that if we don't allow things to play out then this situation could keep re-occurring every couple of years. It's a chapter that needs closing one way or another.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.