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Quite lost

(12 Posts)
ediephoebe91 Thu 08-Oct-15 04:59:56

I'm not happy and I can't see myself ever being happy. I only talk to and see regularly one person in my family - my dad. We don't talk properly though just polite chat about the cats or mundane stuff, we don't spend any time together and we aren't close. I'm not close to anyone. I'm quite shy and I don't have many friends which is hard. I only really have one constant friend that I've know years and we aren't close either - we text everyday but we only see eachother every couple of months always meeting at a bar to get drunk and I can't rely on her 100%. So I'm always on my own. I have an ex boyfriend who I still love because we spent so much time together and he was good company to me but we aren't close anymore and we were never really good friends through our relationship. I'm 24 and have just finished uni and got a part time job. I thought uni would be a good place to make friends but as I lived at home I didn't meet anyone at all. I thought I might meet new people to be friends with in my job so that gave me hope but since I've started I've realised that's not going to happen - everyone is either old or very young and it isn't a friend kind of vibe between people it's all just professional and polite chat, no one asks any questions about me or seems bothered. I dread each day and I can't stand being by myself anymore and having no one to spend time with or be close with. I can't see how I can meet anyone romantically or ever get married as i only have one proper friend and my ex always used to comment on this as he had 100s of friends so it seems odd to other people and hard to explain (Imagine a wedding with just one friend and two or three family members on ur side and 100 guests on the grooms side). With my ex I used to make up random girls names that I pretended I knew and hung around with because I was embarrassed about my lack of a social life away from him. I just can't see a way forward and I feel like I can't live this life or spend any more of it by myself and having no one to talk to. I feel like I'm in a weird situation that not many other people my age really experience its very detrimental to every aspect of my life I don't know how to get out of it. Because I spend so much time by myself my self esteem is very low and I find comfort in shopping. I only shop online and find it very addictive to buy clothes that will make me look better and be accepted and make me feel more confident. I recently got a kitten to help with the loneliness which has helped but I've realised its having someone to confide with and sit with and talk to that I'm missing which comes hand in hand with having close friends that u spend a lot of time with where u go round eachothers houses or a close family - neither of which I have. I don't know how to move forward with my life but I know I can't carry on like this for much longer. I can't talk to my dad as he's very black and white about things and tells me to stop being stupid. I realise I'm lucky to have a dad who would do anything for me and helps me financially but I'm starting to realise there's no point having nice things if ur unhappy. Although i think my dad would spend more time with me if I asked he falls asleep at around 9pm and I feel like we could never be close because he likes to spend time by himself and I can tell he gets a bit annoyed if I sit in the front room at home as that's his space. Does anyone have any advice?

Nottalotta Thu 08-Oct-15 05:21:14

Morning Edie I didn't want to read and run.

It sounds like you are feeling incredibly lonely and low. Do you live at home with your dad probably on your own?

Do you have any old school friends you could recollect with? How about organising a different sort of get together with the friend you get drunk with? It will make a change and you might end up somewhere more sociable.

How about hobbies? I used to go to fitness classes, zumba and step, that sort of thing. At the local leisure centre. You soon get to chat with people and you may end up friendly with some. Even if you don't its good to get out and interact with others. I find a bit of upbeat exercise makes me feel so much better mentally.

fwiw I don't have many friends and the ones i do i have known for years. I used to be pretty outgoing and 'popular' but really struggled recently when i went to a mother and baby group where everyone was chatting and I knew no one. It is really hard but I will go back and see how it goes.
Maybe look into volunteering somewhere too - local animal shelter? Cats protection league are often in need of cat care volunteers. You'd be doing a good deed and will see and speak to other volunteers and employees.
I am no god at advice but would say that getting yourself out where there are other people, the same people on a regular basis, would be a good start.

If you are feeling very low it may be worth speaking to your GP.

Nottalotta Thu 08-Oct-15 05:23:13

p.s. don't give up on happiness. You are still young. I met my husband at 24 in a nightclub - I hadn't been out in about 2 years.

ediephoebe91 Thu 08-Oct-15 05:42:45

Thanks for replying. Yes I live with just my dad. I lost contact with friends from school as I moved to the other side of my town to live with my dad when my mum kicked me out when I was 16 and then my best friend from my later teenage years moved to australia. The friend I get drunk with is a school friend she is a good friend we have been on holidays abroad together and speak every day but she's busy with work so we hardly ever see eachother when I suggest meeting through the week to go out for tea or the cinema she always says she's too tired.

That's a good idea about going to classes at the gym. I'll try that I joined a gym last month but found it daunting going on my own and I don't really enjoy exercise as I have a skin condition on my face that flares up during doing anything physical but I could try some of the slower classes.

I can relate to you there meeting new people is not my forte! Yeah il look into volunteering as I love cats and your right about needing to get myself out there but I think the problem is many people already have their lifelong friends so aren't looking for any more usually where as I only have one and another in Australia. I am in contact with other one or two other friends ive met randomly over the years but no one I meet up with or spend any time with just text every so often. Thank u for ur advice flowers

ediephoebe91 Thu 08-Oct-15 05:45:25

Did u! That gives me hope to hear that hopefully il meet someone one day

Nottalotta Thu 08-Oct-15 06:12:08

Why not suggest meeting up with one of those friends you text? Technology is supposed to be a good thing but honestly I think its having such a detrimental effect on relationships. All we ever do is text. Its hard though being busy with work etc but I am making an effort to at least phone people, and try and meet even if just for a quick coffee. I have more time being on maternity leave at the moment.

Yes met the husband aged 24, neither of us had been in a nightclub for at least 2 yrs!

The friends I have are either old school friends or those I know through my hobby. One close friend from work.

FinallyHere Thu 08-Oct-15 06:18:46

I feel for you and hope you find your way.

One thing you might try, is to forget about yourself for a while, and ask others how they are. When they reply, try listening really hard to what they say and ask a few ( gentle, non-obtrusive) questions. Play a game with yourself, to see just how much you can find out about everyone you meet. You noticed no one at work ever asks you about you, so trying asking them about them selves, really meaning it.

You may be surprised by the results. Have fun.

LucySnow12 Thu 08-Oct-15 12:24:57

Edie, I really feel for you. You may not think so, but lots of people feel alone and struggle with where they are in life. Your X might have had 100s but how many of them could he truly count on - I don't think that many. Volunteer, take some classes - reach out to other people. I find people want to engage and are always happy to make new friends.

I would also think about getting some therapy. Your relationship with your parents doesn't sound very loving. You said your mom threw you out. That is a terrible rejection for a child. Those kind of feelings go deep and we live with them for the rest of our lives. So much of who we are and how we feel about ourselves is established by our interaction with our parents. Their love is supposed to be unconditional and if it isn't, it's easy to believe we're not worth loving. Work on finding inner strength and self belief.

pocketsaviour Thu 08-Oct-15 16:53:39

OP have you tried meetup.com? Have a look for groups near you which you could join. Everyone's on there because they want to socialise more and meet people so you know you're with people who also want to make friends, if you know what I mean, whereas the people you come in contact with at work might be polite and friendly, but not interested in expanding their social circle.

abanico Thu 08-Oct-15 23:10:01

you're not the only one. I don't have any advice, I'm just like you but don't have a reliable parent and am a few years older. It really hurts. I can't help but you're not alone in feeling like this

lostinnormandieland Thu 08-Oct-15 23:20:56

Counselling can help you to raise your self-esteem and get out of your shell. The person you are describing used to be me. After therapy I am now happy to talk to a variety of people freely. I seem to connect more.
Something is stopping you. Is it self-esteem?
Talk to people who will listen to you for example Samaritans.
Hugs to you!

CarnivalBearSetFree Fri 09-Oct-15 11:50:03

I joined meetup as I felt a bit like you. I went a couple of weeks ago for coffee, going again tomorrow and there's something next Saturday too. It can be quite scary to just go and meet people but if you join a group that is for your age range or a hobby it's fine. Everyone I've met so far is lovely and we're all there for the same thing - friendship.
I'd suggest joining a meetup group and just putting yourself out there. It's daunting but you've not got anything to lose by just going and seeing what's out there.

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