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What would you do about this friendship

(20 Posts)
spudlike1 Thu 08-Oct-15 02:00:20

Ok so I've had a friend for the last 20 years. I met as her when I moved in as her lodger and have never really shaken off that dynamic. I've been having intense psychotherapy after having regular therapy for the last year . Basically the friendship mirrors my childhood / adult relationship with my very critical, selfish neglectful mother. I was her bridesmaid (goffa) she was my bridesmaid ( because she expected asked ) and my eldest son's godparent (because she expected to be asked) she was rubbish . I cut off friendship last year had enough of being ignored, she has never been there for me during difficult times ever . She's bossy , opinionated and domineering always has been ..We went out recently I told her through tears how let down I've felt (when her children were born she favoured a bunch of new mummy friend's over me basically told me to.go find myself new friend's) which I am doing .. she wants to reconcile ( go for dinner) I can't be bothered but I'm sad about it ...what would you do ?

spudlike1 Thu 08-Oct-15 02:02:01

Remove 'as' from the second sentence sorry

goddessofsmallthings Thu 08-Oct-15 02:28:44

You cut off this unhealthy friendship last year but went out with her recently. Why?

Simply tell her that you wish her no ill, but your friendship has run its course and you don't want to have any further contact with her. And then delete her phone number, block her calls/emails etc.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 08-Oct-15 04:21:32

She is all about what she wants.
Take a page from her play book and stand up for what you want...a life away from her. If the past wasn't good the first time, it won't be any better repeated.

Say what goddess said.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Thu 08-Oct-15 04:44:11

I tend to agree that she's not likely to improve.

Do you want to reconcile with your friend, or would it be a bit like wanting the "real" mum you never had to suddenly pop out of hiding behind the critical, selfish, neglectful one you actually had? because your friend is about as likely as your mum to change her spots.

There are some people who just like to have a weaker "friend" (sorry) around, just to be mean to them and make them feel better about themselves - you are like a toy punchbag to her, she takes out her shit on you and you're just expected to pop back up for her next time she needs it.

So - so you want to reconcile with her? if not, tell her thanks but no thanks, you've moved on and you don't have a place in your life for her any more.

Sighing Thu 08-Oct-15 06:02:28

You take this chance to reject her for you. Explain you're just not that bothered. It might be liberating for you. Put yourself first. You owe her nothing.

Chottie Thu 08-Oct-15 06:06:37

This is not a friendship, it bring no joy or happiness to your life. Let it go and make space in your life for real friends.....

spudlike1 Thu 08-Oct-15 06:25:36

Thank you goddess for turning up .It's so hard to do this ridiculous after re reading my post I seem to feel that I'm at fault.

spudlike1 Thu 08-Oct-15 06:33:14

Posted before reading other posts thank you all. I will think on

spudlike1 Thu 08-Oct-15 06:36:12

She bought me a gift as if to reconcile but was hostile when I attempted to explain my feelings

spudlike1 Thu 08-Oct-15 06:37:48

She bought me a gift , but was hostile when I explained my feelings to her .I just can't be bothered any more

0dfod Thu 08-Oct-15 10:27:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springydaffs Thu 08-Oct-15 12:02:44

It's hard to let go of an old friendship. Especially a toxic old friendship!

If anybody is weak here, it's her. Just saying.

She likes having you around to kick about. Makes her feel good (see 'weak', above). It's why she wants you back on the scene, her little bit of sport.

I've had to have a bit of therapy to discard old toxic friendships (frenemies), probably bcs I chose them when I was up to my neck in toxic family stuff and didn't know any better. Then you get into that terrible loop, like with your parents, of hoping they're going to change, especially as you've put so much effort and time into the relationship.

She isn't going to change, not in a million years. The only thing you did wrong was choose her in the first place (what you were used to). Cut her loose and fly away, free of this dead weight pulling you down to the pit.

DON'T see her again, hoping she's changed. She'll never change, she is toxic, and you'll only get dragged down all over again. As you have been this time xx

spudlike1 Thu 08-Oct-15 22:03:28

You're amazing you lot. .as I've said before (under a different name ..)
Will re read advice till it takes hold

TopOfTheCliff Thu 08-Oct-15 22:16:49

It is so hard to let go of old friendships even when they weren't very good ones. All those years of shared history and acquaintance swept away!

I have a bad habit of trying to reheat failed friendships to see if I can make them better this time. Then I get upset when the friend isn't interested (again).

Let's be positive about letting go of them and actively seeking out nice people to be new friends. Last weekend I met two people I really liked and my resolution is to plan an outing with them instead of trying to persuade ex friends to meet up.

springydaffs Thu 08-Oct-15 22:19:13

I had a friend who pronounced spudulike spud-you-lick-ay <random>

Go girl. You can do it flowers

spudlike1 Thu 08-Oct-15 22:20:00

I know I've been let down and disappointed endlessly ...but the shared history I draws me back in, I end up carrying the hurt around like a sandbag , erodes confidence.

spudlike1 Thu 08-Oct-15 22:21:02

New friends ...New me grin

springydaffs Thu 08-Oct-15 23:19:42

Yay! star

spudlike1 Thu 11-Aug-16 07:55:13

Yes I did it took another year
had to re read this post which really helped.
its not a zombie thread honest .

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