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In need of advice - am suspicious of DH, feel like I'm going mad.

(69 Posts)
seasonoflists Wed 07-Oct-15 11:49:15

Name changed regular, need privacy.
A few things have happened over the last few months that have raised my suspicions. I'm now recovering from painful and quite severe primary genital herpes, and have had great support from GUM and my GP, and I'm back to wondering, where did this come from.

Bkgd: married to DH for 4yrs, effectively childless by marriage as he has 3DC who are young adults. I'm 35 with some physical disabilities. I work in a professional job, he earns very little from his business but enjoys it - I say all this to show we both bring different things to our relationship with give and take, compromise, and, I thought, a good balance.

The herpes - Dr says I have recently caught it, DH may be an asymptomatic carrier that kind of sheds the virus intermittently. That is possible and I need to remember that.

The rest: I got back from a conference in April and found a bangle type bracelet in our living room that definitely wasn't mine - I'd never seen it before. He just said he didn't know where it had come from either. A few weeks later, the same thing with an e-cigarette in the car.

He has always since we met been super secretive about his phone and his internet browsing. I know he cheated on his first wife more than once. I've asked him how things will be different now - he says he wouldn't cheat now as he has no need - and he said after I asked straight out that I have nothing to worry about regarding the herpes and whether it could have come from him, recently. He has endless work related calls on his mobile, I have twice, once in May time, once the other weekend, chanced upon his phones there's always tons to scroll thru, usually unsaved mobile nos, but I could see both times he calls a female name, say 'Lucy' up to a few times a month, always when he's out of the house. I see his phone so rarely that I don't manage to be very quick with it, no screenshots or anything.

I am not sure how this looks to outsiders - I don't actually want to let myself get to the point of endlessly seeking opportunities to check his phone. Do I calmly confront? I am SURE he will just deny though.

I am going mad and of the two friends I tried to talk to, one pointed out that it's not fair on her to have to hear relationship issues - we are both friends with her and her DH, fair enough - the other was great, but said I need to be entirely ready for what happens after the confrontation, and am I?

So sorry it's so long. Wisdom greatly needed.

OxfordCommoner Wed 07-Oct-15 11:51:01

It doesn't sound good, I'm afraid.

pocketsaviour Wed 07-Oct-15 11:57:06

While herpes can lie dormant for many years, the bangle and the ciggy are highly suspicious, and i would assume have probably been dropped deliberately because the OW wants to force him to leave you.

What would be your course of action if you knew for a fact he was cheating?

seasonoflists Wed 07-Oct-15 12:07:36

If he admitted it straight away, was willing to be open with his phone/internet and work things thru with counselling, I think there could be a chance to rebuild. If he lied and I found out he had lied, I would want him to leave. I can imagine him lying and a drawn out rediscovery period... am I talking myself into it?

Tootsiepops Wed 07-Oct-15 12:10:14

The bracelet and the e-cig would have been enough evidence for me to have called it quits.

The herpes is unforgivable, and he's got previous form for cheating.

Agree with pp - it doesn't look good.

summerwinterton Wed 07-Oct-15 12:34:49

He cheated on his first wife, and I would say he is cheating on you too. People don't change. How could you ever trust him again, even if he did own up to it now? Because it seems to me you will drive yourself potty worrying what, or who, he is up to.

Why do you think he is all you deserve?

Twinklestein Wed 07-Oct-15 12:35:33

He's not likely to admit it straight away, nor is he likely to change imo.

He cheated on his previous wife, he may be cheating on you, he's not going to change his MO at this point. I think he's just a cheat. Although he might say he'll change to keep you onside.

As to your friend, who said it's 'not fair' on her to hear your relationship woes - she's not really a friend. Although she may be aware of his
infidelities and that's why she doesn't want to get involved.

thehypocritesoaf Wed 07-Oct-15 12:41:00

It doesn't look good op.

he says he wouldn't cheat now as he has no need - Oh dear.

RivieraKid Wed 07-Oct-15 12:41:10

I think there could be a chance to rebuild.

You have a bangle, an e-cigarette and an STD that aren't yours, and the only guy you can ask about it all cheated on his first wife.

Why would you want to rebuild anything with this man.

seasonoflists Wed 07-Oct-15 15:03:51

I wish I could have definite proof - find the texts, for eg.
I can wonder if the bracelet was actually mine and I'd forgotten - And if the herpes was a longstanding thing I'd have some serious apologising to do - and if the texts were irrelevant and so deleted.

But probably it's that life is hard enough, disabled and I am terrified not so much of living alone but of the process of separating and the not believing him and doubting myself.

I'm not making sense - am shaky and fearful.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 07-Oct-15 15:33:29

DH may be an asymptomatic carrier

May be? Hasn't he been tested? confused

RivieraKid Wed 07-Oct-15 15:42:43

And if the herpes was a longstanding thing I'd have some serious apologising to do

Was he, you know, surprised that he'd given you herpes? I think that kind of thing needs to be established. Because he either knew he was a carrier and didn't care, has now caught something and knows because he gave it to you, or had a first breakout of something he already had and didn't know about.

thehypocritesoaf Wed 07-Oct-15 16:30:46

What does he mean 'he wouldn't cheat now as there is no need'?

Finola1step Wed 07-Oct-15 16:36:56

At this point in time, your main focus needs to be your physical and sexual health. What's happening in the treatment of herpes for both of you?

I strongly suspect that this is the road that needs to be followed to reveal what needs to be revealed. Sorry.

AgathaF Wed 07-Oct-15 16:45:01

Has he been tested for herpes since you told him you had it? Did he wonder where you might have got it from, or just jump to the conclusion that it came from him and he'd contracted it years ago?

The e-cig could have come from any friend or colleague, male or female that he has given a lift to recently. The bangle in your home, that wasn't yours - that's the crunch really, isn't it? You know it isn't yours. You don't need to try to convince yourself you have forgotten about it. He didn't offer any kind of explanation for it.

Your gut is telling you he is or has cheated. You have things that point strongly to it, he has form for it. The question is what you are going to do with these pointers?

seasonoflists Wed 07-Oct-15 17:26:57

goddess I am not aware you can test in the absence of swabbing active lesions - or at least, testing is not offered by GU.

I have thought it is telling that he didn't ask me where I'd caught it from. Finola I've had 5 days of acyclovir and also treatment for the complications. You can't eradicate it, and it will probably flare up for me again but not be so bad or so long as this time. It has been seriously awful - I don't think he knew he had it - but he might not, and could have had it a long time.

Agatha I am going to have to confront him but I'm fairly certain he's going to deny. What I really don't know is what I do then.

Thank you so much for the replies, it helps me feel a bit less crazy.

RivieraKid Wed 07-Oct-15 17:48:44

I have thought it is telling that he didn't ask me where I'd caught it from.

You'd think as your H, he'd be worried about that? You are not crazy, he sounds awful.

NumbBlaseCold Wed 07-Oct-15 17:52:21

It does all sound very off to me.

I would would want to know too.

Agatha is right about the e-cig as it could just be a friend or Colleague but the Herpes, bangle and him having form for this are more suspicions.

With his first wife do you know how he reacted when he was caught, if he was?

It should give you a good indicator of how he will now.

NumbBlaseCold Wed 07-Oct-15 17:54:07

If someone says that they cheat only because they have a need then that implies that if they feel that need they will cheat.

So they are saying they won't rule it out.

so they are saying they believe they are justified to cheat.

AgathaF Wed 07-Oct-15 18:01:51

I am going to have to confront him but I'm fairly certain he's going to deny. What I really don't know is what I do then.

You need to consider how you feel at the moment about all of this. Can you live with the doubt and suspicion? Can you live with potentially getting more STIs from him? Only you know what your bottom line is with your H and fidelity. You don't need absolute proof though, to call time on a relationship, or to tell him that you want a trial separation, or whatever you would choose for your next step. If you feel that you can't live with the gut feeling that he has cheated, and that he may well cheat again, it is perfectly reasonable to act on that feeling. It may be that that is the thing that would bring him to his senses and then you could make decisions based on how he reacts at that point.

The alternatives are living with the doubt and accepting it as probably betrayal but moving on from it, or tying yourself in knots for weeks or months trying to seek the definitative piece of proof.

WombOfOnesOwn Wed 07-Oct-15 18:08:38

He says he's not cheating on you as he "has no need"?! In other words, you're going to be kept bound by his "need," doing whatever he "needs," to avoid him cheating. This is manipulation, regardless of whether he's cheating at the moment or not--and he WILL start cheating on you if that's his reason. Not "I respect you so much," not "I learned my lesson," but "I have no need"?! What a wanker.

LadyLonely1 Wed 07-Oct-15 18:11:54

You poor thing, I think you know deep down he's up to no good. He's cheated on his previous wife, and then some Items appeared which he doesn't know about, and he's not questioned you about how you got the herpes? That all Points to one thing it seems.

angryangryyoungwoman Wed 07-Oct-15 18:20:14

Ask him what constitutes a "need to cheat "

DiscoDiva70 Wed 07-Oct-15 18:22:11

I find it strange that one of your friends doesn't think it 'fair to have to hear about your relationship issues'.
Even though she and her H are friends with you both, it doesn't seem right that she isn't prepared to listen to your worries about your H, and this makes me wonder if it's her he's cheating with? doesn't seem like a good friendship for a start.

As others have said, he has form for cheating and people never change

Robotgirl Wed 07-Oct-15 18:38:55

OP, sorry you're going through all this. Sounds horrific. Poor you.
The fact that your 'friend' is saying it's unfair to have to listen to you makes me think she knows something. Sorry.
And deep down I think you know the bangle isn't yours.
Perhaps this person is leaving things on purpose so that you make a discovery about your husband's antics. Have you got kids?

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