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he had balls of steel, but no heart

(3 Posts)
youfooledmewell Wed 07-Oct-15 00:24:18

I know that this is relatively mild compared to alot of women here who have partners who they find out have cheated and are financially stuck, with children/house etc. It's all relative as I find myself today in a state of numbness and shock at how cruel someone who claimed to love me has treated me with such disrespect.
My dp (hard to even write that) knew from day one that i listed honestly and trust as a huge part of any relationship. I had come from a relationship where i had been cheated on. so i was well aware of the signs and had given myself lots of time alone before even venturing into another relationship. i met a man who i clicked with. we both had troubled relationships and both found what we had been looking for. we were cliche soul mates and friends and lovers. we both had own property and i have a dc. so moving in together was something we planned in the future when careers worked and time was right. in the mean time we were happy, we made it work. 6 years went by and i loved him the very same. of course we had ups and downs and one in particular where i found out he was online talking to a woman. he swore nothing and it was a stupid mistake, never met her and it was just him going through a stressful time with work i was caught up in work also and it was flattering. altough joining a website to me is actively engaging in a cheating. i forgave him and our relationship grew stronger. in the last 3 weeks i felt thesame uncomfortable distance. he was under pressure with work for sure but i found he was less attentive and would talk about himself mostly. i trusted him until this morning where i decided to set up a profile on a dating site to see if i could find him. i hated doing this and not in my nature. but i found myself going crazy. he would tell me he loved me and i never had anything to worry about. would never hurt me again. but i couldn't shake this feeling. lo and behold i was on the site half an hr browsing when a mail came in from him with his picture. i almost froze and wasn't expecting it to be honest.
i responded asking him questions under this cover and he was casual but obviously eager to chat. i then excused myself and told him i might catch up with him later. i came off withsuch a broken heart i didn't know what to do. i decided to just text him telling him i suspected he was up to someting and saw a profile on this old site and i was disappointed,angry, hurt and felt i had no choice but to walk away. he said all the lines that he felt i was distant and doing same, (complete bull as i have told him over and over i wouldn't do that to someone). he kept saying he hadnt done anything wrong and i kept saying to myself, is this the man i have invested so much time with and he is honestly telling me he has done nothing wrong. is he a narcacist or justtrying to worm his way out of being caught. I hadn't told him which profile i had used to check, i just told him i did a search and found. i told him i never wanted tospeak to him again and hated what he had done. this was all through texts. his last text said he had never met a woman who had done so much for him and to stop being ridiculous. i didn't reply.
i thought maybe i had hit home to him, that time would make him come tohis senses. that maybe he would realise he really has to value us if he wants it. even tho part of me wanted to rip up anything that reminded me ofhim.
i went into my online fake profile this evening and lo and behold he has messaged my fake profile, not knowing it was me, giving me his number.
a second phone obviously as this is not his main mobile.
i was gutted, not only had he not copped this could have been me out of the women he obviously chatting to, but to do it after we had texted and claiming he had done nothing wrong.
i didn't bother responding using the profile, i got what i needed to know, maybe he'll finally cop that this was me in a fake profile, but how stupid, selfish, heartless.
I am now feeling sad, i can't believe i trusted him. that i gave so much of myself and time to him and all the times i helped him with things. I am going over in my head if i was prettier, funnier, sweeter, what is it that makes him need more. then i keep saying it's not me it's him. he's he one with the serious needy behaviour. but it doesn't help me get over it.
i loved him so much and i can't understand why he would do this and to plead with me and then go back online this evening and hand out a second phone number. i realise he is living a life as a lie, and dragged me along. that's what hurt the most. no apology, no remorse, just selfishness and not the man i knew.
what makes a person do that? i don't understand it.

holeinmyheart Wed 07-Oct-15 00:33:40

I am very sorry that you are going through this. How dare he!

The reason being given out by Psychologists is that Men do it because they think that they can get away with it.
Unfortunately he thinks he can have you as well.
What a lying disgusting toe rag. He is beyond contempt. I hope his bits fall off.
What are you going to do now?

youfooledmewell Wed 07-Oct-15 00:55:45

I am tempted to put all the items he bought me in a bag and bring them to a charity shop.
I am also going to block his number. I don't ever want to be tempted to reply of self pity which will inevitably come, or a drunk text when he misses all i did.
I am also going to have to tell people in real life it's over, v hard as this makes it final with no going back in my book.
i could really hurt him by doing a few things to hurt him deeply, but i wouldn't, i'm not like that and won't stoop that low, that's only continuing the contact/hurt.
I just just can't believe it. even if he had apologised and give it time i might have got over it, with him making an effort to make me believe he was stupid. but to go back on site and hand number out ( a number i didn't know existed) that just sealed it for me.
I hate hearing people say what a horrible man, as i of course love him and would always protect him as he would have done me. But this has shed a new light on how cruel and selfish he is. I cannot rationalise him returning to site after me exposing him. How stupid could a man be. if it were me i certainly wouldn't go back on. or would hide profile or not contact anyone i had contacted in case it was 'me' in disguise. stupid man and that's what makes me hate him. his stupidity and lack of respect.
i have to hate him now, it's the only way to get over all those years i thought we had a great relationship.
i can't imagine being with someone else. we had plans. but i have to and i'm struggling with that. i know time with help. but he has also in a way, destroyed my confidence in me and relationships. i'm not sure i'd ever trust again.

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