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No more kids please....!(51 Posts)
Good afternoon everyone, i hope you are all well.
Long story short, me & wife have been married for 15 years. No major dramas in our releationship had a few up and downs but again nothing to say we were not happy with each other. We are both well educated and both our boys (7, 13) are heading towards decent futures.
Wife has been asking for a third child for a number of years and has recently stepped up the asking, we are both heading towards 40 and i am not sure i want to be dealing with nappies and pushchairs when i could be running marathons or taking part in a sportive (cycling event).
If you would like more details, please do ask, however i am trying to ask if anymore could think of any alternatives or offer a solution. I would be happy to adopt a child but every time i suggest it i get shot down. The reason why it is in relationships because it does seem to be (in the background) causing alot of anguish which at this stage seems difficult to resolve.
Thank you for reading.
Umm, I think you might be underestimating the upheaval of the adoption process, and the challenges that an adoptive child could bring. Is it just the first 2 years that you don't want to face again? Has your wife offered any solutions to how she can get the third child she wants without you losing your hobbies, etc? The fact you'd be open to adoption suggests that you aren't against having another child, just don't want the baby years. Is that right? If thats the case it sounds as if for you to compromise would just be a couple of years of strain, whereas for your wife to compromise means a lifetime of not having that third child.
Why is adoption acceptable but having your own child isn't? If you are adamant that you don't want more, you need to be firm and clear. Saying that you will adopt makes it sound like you could be persuaded to have another.
It would be much less stressful to have your own child than go through the adoption process.
you need to talk to each other and listen to each other.
this is a hard one.
from here on in, i would also be very careful, in fact meticulous, about contraception if i were you, given some of the threads that are on here about planned/unplanned pregnancies.
I've been through the adoption process and it is really really hard and an emotional roller coaster.
My DH was having an affair the whole time and I found out just in time, we were about to go to panel.
I would imagine you would want adopt for the same reasons as me.
My ExH wanted another and I didn't.
I hated being pregnant, labour, birth, etc.....
Nappies, sick, nursery and school runs, the whole lot was a pain.
I was far happier when my DD was easy to communicate with and we didn't need to spend as much on child care.
That said - adoption is certainly the far harder option.
You need to have a sit down and proper discussion with your DW about the future and more kids.
Neither of you are right here but it my become a deal breaker for her or for you.
But... adoption is not the answer.
Do you have the £ to ease the load of a new baby? Ie paying for as much support as possible.
If she really really wants another baby then she really really does. It's a powerful, all-consuming, impulse. Saying no bcs you want to have a more free lifestyle isn't going to cut it.
Is the anguish on both sides?
Springydaffs, saying no for any reason at all cuts it perfectly well. Nobody should have a baby they don't want. He doesn't need to justify it.
Why on earth would you suggest adoption if you can't face the hard work involved in having another birth child? Do you think adoption will be easier?!
Wife has been asking for a third child for a number of years. Why wasn't this addressed when she first started asking?
It appears that you hoped she would drop the subject, whilst she felt her biological clock ticking away, hence why she has got more persistent as she nears 40.
Personally I'd prefer a baby over marathons and bike competitions any day
Is she hankering for a daughter? Is that part of it? Because after having had two boys, the chance of a third boy is 75%. This is a direct quote from an OB friend of mine. (I don't know where my friend got her data, though.)
Good luck working it out. Family size can be a tough topic to negotiate.
Totally understandable for you to say a difinitive No to more DC. However I do find it odd that you would Adopt?
Also, how long has she wanted a third and how have you responded so far? Standing firm on a No would have been a whole lot kinder than a "maybe" that in your head meant No-but-I-dont-know-how-tp-say
This difference between couples is raised frequently on MN and the upshot is that the person who doesn't want a DC or another DC (for any reason whatsoever!) has every right to make that decision. That they should be honest and not keep the other person on a thread. And should take full responsibility for contraception.
The person wanting the DC might choose to leave or stay, but desire for a DC doesn't trump the other person.
Agree with PPs about your stance on adoption, which seems odd and must have confused your DW.
Could you explain your thinking on how adopting a child is a solution to you not wanting to have another child?
I think theOP meant he would be happy to adopt an older child - ot a newborn baby- because in his mind, this would cause less disruption to their existing family (I reale that very well may not be the case but I think that's what he meant)
"Why wasn't this addressed when she first started asking?" - I assume it was. With the response, that he didn't want another child
"Saying no bcs you want to have a more free lifestyle isn't going to cut it." Yes it does. Saying "I don't want another baby" is just as valid a choice as "I want another baby"
Saying no bcs you want to have a more free lifestyle isn't going to cut it.
It does. It absolutely does! No-one has the right to decide that another person isnt the best person to know if they should have another child or not. If this man said he didnt want another child because he wants to have sunday morning lie-ins thats just as valid a reason as any other. He can say no for any reason at all and he doesnt have to defend it. She is not entitled to a child from him just because she really really wants one.
OP if you dont want another child then i cannot fathom why you would consider adoption! that makes no sense. Do you think there would be less parenting involved or something?
Sorry about types "NOT a newborn"
and reale = realise
I guess the adoption idea is because you could adopt an older child and the child raising then is for less years as well as missing out on the baby years. I can appreciate that, not a fan of babies myself and as I don't want any more children as a way to appease going for a shorter option might seem better.
Tbh, I'd doubt if you'd get through the process. It can take years and is stressful. You could be just as old by the time you flew the best.
There's nothing wrong with it wanting any more children and I think you need to be clear on that rather than keeping the slightest glimmer of hope alive.
I think everyone has summed it up pretty well. Adoption would be much harder. Even though you would skip the sleepless nights and nappies. I'm not saying every child that goes up for adoption is likely to have a whole host of difficulties due to a poor start in life but its highly likely.
As others have said it is perfectly valid to not want a child because you want to do hobbies. I'm just developing a social life of my own after a ten year hiatus and there is no way on earth I would have another child and put my life on hold for another 10 - 18. Much as I love them and loved that part of my life. (Early parenthood)
I'm another one who doesn't think you should adopt or foster if you're choosing it as an 'easier option' than biological children. It's really not at all and you could find yourself dealing with difficulties you would probably not encounter with a biological child.
In a way, your post annoys me slightly. Your wife has been asking for a number of years and you have been saying 'no' or 'not now'. But you are now saying 'It's too late because I'm pushing 40'. That's an unfair reason to give someone who has waited a long time as a result of your preferences. When she asked all those years ago, you should have given her a clear answer and explained you would be less likely to agree as the years went on. She doesn't seem to realise this. I can't help feeling it would have been better for you if you had agreed to do this earlier. Now you have a big gap and yes, more child-rearing years in total.
You say your wife is anguished. It's a big thing to say 'no' to someone you love who has a yearning that deep, especially when it's lasted so many years. No one else can decide for you but do be very, very certain that this is the decision you want to live with, both for yourself, for her and for the marriage.
There is no unfair reason: the OP shouldn't have another DC if he really doesn't want to.
Well to be fair I think 'not now' is equally a valid answer. After all you may think lets just get through this stage and then have a rethink..
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