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Could you forgive this?

(54 Posts)
SchnitzelvonKrumm12 Sun 04-Oct-15 09:43:15

So... Here it goes. Really need someone to share this with as I feel too embarrassed to talk about it.
Last Sunday I returned home after a day out with our 3 year old daughter. My partner was on nights so had been 'asleep' during the day but was in the shower when I got back. I've had suspicions for a while after finding an email for an online 'affair' site (which of course he brushed off and said was spam). However, when I open his phone he had been on numerous dating, chat and live porn sites.
After lots of talking he admitted he felt low and thinks our relationship has been pretty rubbish for a while. We decided to give it another go for our daughter and unborn child (I'm 23 weeks pregnant).
After lots more fishing because I felt like he was holding things back. I found out the real truth - he has pretended to be someone else online for years. He had a total of 35 apps on his phone all with numerous chats, videos and pics from women, on some he asks for phone sex and has even been on them whilst texting me. He has a secret folder on his phone, that looks like a game, within the folder was nearly 200 images and videos of women he had spoken to over the last year.
I can't talk to any of my family about this and really don't know where to go from here.
Please can someone help me with some advice? I'm sure I iust need a virtual slap to get me out of my 'what about my perfect little family' daze.

moonriverandme Sun 04-Oct-15 09:54:26

I am so sorry this is happening to you, I think where you go is to get legal advice about getting him out of your home. I could not forgive or forget this and would never be able to trust him again. He has a terrible attitude towards women and has shown zero respect for you. What advice would you give your daughter if she was an adult and in this position?flowersflowers

spudlike1 Sun 04-Oct-15 09:55:28

I'm really sorry OP others will be along to offer practical advice .
You can't forgive this.
Obviously it's a serious porn addiction so there will be online support and advice out there. You shouldn't feel ashamed you have done nothing wrong.

TimeToMuskUp Sun 04-Oct-15 09:55:39

I don't think it matters if anyone else could forgive this or move on from it; only if you could. Do you think he's told you everything now? Do you think there's anything worth holding onto? Do you need some space to get your head together?

It wouldn't be unreasonable at all to ask him to leave; either for a short while so you can work it out, or permanently. It also wouldn't be unreasonable to have a go at working through it together. But you both need to want to fix it, so he needs to acknowledge what an almighty mess he's made, he needs to earn your trust back and he needs to change his behaviour, his attitudes and his deceitful ways. If he can't or won't, is there a future worth salvaging?

flowers for you. You don't need a slap, you need a DP who will treasure and cherish you, who'll respect and value his wonderful family. You're not in the wrong here, not at all.

Saltfish Sun 04-Oct-15 09:55:54

Leave and never look back. He has a complete lack of respect for you. The saddest thing is you're pregnant and this sort of behaviour seems to sit well with him? Not acceptable. I worry he's staying out of obligation and not want..no one cheats(yes it is cheating) if they truly want to be there, they're just setting things up for their next possible relationship. I'm sorry to be so harsh but you need to hear the honest truth.

Vixxfacee Sun 04-Oct-15 09:57:02

Never

mrschatty Sun 04-Oct-15 09:57:59

I'm so sorry this has happened flowers ti answer your question. No. I could not forgive this.
If the relationship has been 'rubbish' in his eyes why has he 1- not done anything to resolve this and just turned to online women and 2- agreed to have another child.

I'll be honest it would be completely over for me

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sun 04-Oct-15 09:59:19

Right.

3years ago, I borrowed my husband's laptop with his consent. Afterwards, I went to delete my history and discovered that he had also signed up to an online affair site.

He told me it was a pop up; that he'd cicked on it by accident; that he'd been curious; that he had to create a log in to look, but hadn't contacted anyone; that he'd only added a profile/photo because he was bored; that he'd only contacted women for the ego boost but never met...

That all happened in one conversation. I kicked him out following it. You made a mistake in believing his lies the first time round. Don't demean yourself further by accepting his shitty behaviour again.

Joysmum Sun 04-Oct-15 09:59:53

No I couldn't.

Truth is, even when things were good between he was still doing this. Even if it had ONLY been bad he didn't want to fix things so went elsewhere for his kicks. There's a huge difference between non interactive porn and the lengths and deceipt he went to.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 04-Oct-15 10:00:40

Why can't you talk to your family; are you too embarrassed or ashamed to do so?. Any of those feelings is misplaced on your part, the fault here is all his. I would urge you to start talking to people and the midwives particularly as you are pregnant.

Where is this individual now?.

You both decided to try again on a very shaky basis i.e for the children; it would be a mistake to try yet again. Once the trust has gone there is really no relationship.

I would seek advice asap as to where you stand financially and with regards to the property?. Is it rented, mortgaged in joint names etc?. Can you gather as much financial info together as you can?. He will need to pay maintenance for his children.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sun 04-Oct-15 10:02:41

Oh and do tell your family. My exmil was the first person I told. She called him a few choice names and he as left under no illusion as to how she felt about it.

Don't protect him. The shame is not yours.

SchnitzelvonKrumm12 Sun 04-Oct-15 10:11:28

I could talk to my family, however if they knew forgiving him wouldn't even be an option.
Financially - he's the main earner. I work full time. The house is mortgaged in joint names, we've only just bought it and renovated it.
As stupid as it sounds, I'm scared to be without him. We were childhood sweethearts and I've never known anything different. We only got engaged last year and at the same time he was doing this. I'm still in shock and can't believe I've been so naïve.
Will get some advice about the house.

SchnitzelvonKrumm12 Sun 04-Oct-15 10:12:28

And he's at work now.

Badders123 Sun 04-Oct-15 10:14:29

To forgive someone they must actually be repentant and want forgiveness.
He isn't.
He has made it pretty clear how he feels.
Talk to your family get some rl support.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sun 04-Oct-15 10:16:05

You're already "without him".

This is not a man who loves, cherishes and respects you. It's a false sense of security.

The world can be a big and exciting place. Go out and get it!

notapizzaeater Sun 04-Oct-15 10:20:50

Agree, he's not actually in your relationship, he's in 200 relationships.

SchnitzelvonKrumm12 Sun 04-Oct-15 10:24:13

His excuse for it is he hasn't actually been cheering because it's not actually him that they think they're talking to. Also, he's got really low self esteem and I don't act like I want or love him. hmm
Am I being harsh thinking this is bullshit?!!!

SchnitzelvonKrumm12 Sun 04-Oct-15 10:24:32

Cheating*

MoonSandwich Sun 04-Oct-15 10:27:07

Some people do forgive this type of thing but I don't think I could. You must be in a state of shock so maybe you need to give yourself a few days to think about things. I'd make him sleep in a different room and I'd insist on counseling at the very least.

I think I would LTB though because I would feel the relationship would be tainted forever. It might be best to start again now while you are still young rather than dragging it out for years feeling bitter.

Some people (men and women) don't see porn use as a big issue. Did you ever discuss your views on porn? Using live sites is another step though.

ENtertainmentAppreciated Sun 04-Oct-15 10:28:08

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Personally I wouldn't be able to put it to the back of my mind or forgive all that.

Even if I was ever to get past this, I wouldn't feel able to ever trust him again.

Keep posting for anonymous support but do consider confiding in someone close to you who knows you well flowers

WorzelsCornyBrows Sun 04-Oct-15 10:29:19

I couldn't forgive this, no way, but that's not important. The question is can you?

If you forgive, will you ever trust him? Will he stop? The chances are the answer to both of those things is no. So you'll limp on for a while whilst you slowly lose your mind to anger and mistrust.

For what it's worth, he might be your childhood sweetheart, but you're not his, it sounds like he's got a few sweethearts on the go.

Talk to your family, you need real life support. This won't stop you forgiving if that's the route you go down, it will be harder for your family, but that's family for you. If your daughter were going through this, would you want to help or would you want to be kept in the dark?

Anniegetyourgun Sun 04-Oct-15 10:31:09

So um, if he went down the street wearing a false nose and stabbed someone he wouldn't really have done it because it didn't look like him, is that the logic? confused It's not just the cheating, it's the weird thought processes that are seriously worrying.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp Sun 04-Oct-15 10:32:48

If you talk to your family then forgiving him wouldn't be an option - to me that sounds like your answer right there. Why should you have to keep his grubby little secrets, denying yourself support you would otherwise have?

Is he asking for your forgiveness? It sounds like he's minimised and continued to lie and cheat.

I agree it doesn't matter whether others could forgive, only you. But seeing as you asked, nope, for me, no way. For the deceit and disrespect to the relationship, but also for how he treats women in general, as disposable objects for his own gratification.

It doesn't sound stupid to be scared, btw. In these situations we're grieving the loss of the life we thought we had, the partner we thought they were. Sadly he's not the man you thought he was,this isn't what you signed up for. Really sorry.

SchnitzelvonKrumm12 Sun 04-Oct-15 10:33:09

We discussed porn after I caught him watching it whilst I was in the house. This was a long time ago. I said that to me is it acceptable when I'm not there for example, when he works away. All of the videos he had are from webcams/live porn - which I find completely unacceptable. He knows this.
There is also doubts about what he does when he works away, understandably. He was working away for 2 years after dd was born.

category12 Sun 04-Oct-15 10:34:17

This is bullshit, yes. My ex pulled the depression card when caught out again. They will say anything and work on your compassion and make it feel like you let them down in some way. When really it's just them feeling entitled to do wtf they want.

And while obviously you're most hurt here, what does his behaviour show about the way he thinks about women as a whole? (There's a horrid pun there.)

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