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is it infidelity?

(81 Posts)
SweetPotato1 Mon 28-Sep-15 17:11:27

I'm a man, and I'm here for a woman's prospective if that's ok.

Both in our 30s, 3 kids. Not married but together 10+years.

A couple of years back DP and her best friend's DH became close with up to 20 secretive texts a day. They didn't meet up but it may have gone that way had I not stepped in after a couple of weeks. Basically I told her her BF wouldn't have been too impressed if she found out and she conceded it was 'inappropriate' and put an end to it. She never apologised or asked how I felt and I didn't tell her until 6 months later- still no apology.

She works full time but is also involved in a volunteering group, where she meets lots of other men (which I'm fine with). She was all about one particular guy, (we'll call him Tom) whom she made reference to on a regular basis, and the two of them did have late night after group study sessions together. They definitely bonded as he divulged personal marriage stuff to her; I was fine with this as she was up front about it. Then all of a sudden Tom no longer gets a mention.

The last year has been good for us as a couple, but over the past two weeks something didn't add up and I discovered she secretly arranged to met 'Dave' from group. I had never heard of Dave. She's on about 20 texts a day to Dave. Dave is married with kids. It's doesn't look like anything has happened on a sexual level, but there was maybe 3 references to a hug they shared, and light hearted stuff referencing his 'big strong arms', and they've arranged to meet again tonight.

Should I be worried? If nothing sexual happens have I the right to feel betrayed? or is this just a woman needing an emotional outlet? Is this not infidelity? She has also spoke of being lonely etc and he empthasises. We both work full time and she has her finger in a number of other pies, she's neither bored nor lonely, and I'll meet anyone's emotional needs so long as I don't withdraw into myself as a result of her clandestine activities- current status!

I feel I have to let things progress. If I torpedo these developments the cloud of distrust will remain and I'll be back here again in a year or so. If I let the situation evolve, well at least I'll know what she's capable of and how little respect she has for me, but the corollary of that is a broken home (and there's no way I'm walking out).

And whatever did happen with Tom?

If anyone had anyone thoughts or suggestions I'd love to hear them, were
you this woman?


moopymoodle Mon 28-Sep-15 18:03:21

She's taking this piss and by the sounds of it had a string of emotional affairs, probably for attention. Leave her and find somebody who truly loves you as she's not behaving like she does at all.

ImperialBlether Mon 28-Sep-15 18:05:41

Yes, what moopy says. As for Tom, in my experience they stop talking about them when the affair actually starts, sorry.

Nancyanne Mon 28-Sep-15 18:10:45

Ooh, have to say, this does not look good. It's very inappropriate. You are letting her get away with it though. Why? I'd be raging mad and would have to confront my husband if he behaved like this. He'd most likely get the phone thrown at his head! Man up, I say.

DarkRosaleen Mon 28-Sep-15 19:31:55

Oh oh. She sounds like she is smack bang in the middle of an emotional affair.
My exH had a few of these, I backed off not understanding them and trusting him. Now I know they were the steps he took before having a full affair with someone else. I should never have given 'permission' for him to engage emotionally with an OW. He probably would still have shagged someone else. Fucker.
She might be disengaging from you and your relationship. Have words now, at least you deserve honesty.

(I want to know about Tom too)

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Mon 28-Sep-15 19:41:02

Crikey, she's a busy girl, isn't she?

I wouldn't tolerate any of this tbh. She shouldn't need an 'emotional outlet', that's what you're there for.

References to "big strong arms" and meeting again tonight..? Sorry, but the only reason I'd make a reference like that is if I was planning on taking it further than just talk.

You deserve better than this, surely!

spudlike1 Mon 28-Sep-15 19:58:21

You probably only know about the tip.of this iceberg

MuttonCadet Mon 28-Sep-15 20:21:04

Definitely an emotional affair, and she's taking the piss, doing this again and again.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Sep-15 20:30:28

She's taking the piss for sure

Stop being a doormat, fgs. I would consider her behaviour to be deal breaking and act accordingly.

Starkswillriseagain Mon 28-Sep-15 20:35:00

Sounds like she's a serial cheat. I'd wonder what has happened that you haven't found out about?

spudlike1 Mon 28-Sep-15 20:54:31

In answer to your post if you want to save your family you need to act and really be very firm about this tolerance ..she's flirting flirting some will say your being jealous some might say ...I would disagree ...protect your marriage now I would say

spudlike1 Mon 28-Sep-15 20:57:45

Partnership should say not marriage

spudlike1 Mon 28-Sep-15 20:58:39

Maybe others can offer advice on how to go about this

IreallyKNOWiamright Mon 28-Sep-15 21:00:09

I think you are being taken advantage of.
I think you should find someone who deserves you.

featherandblack Mon 28-Sep-15 21:28:09

She does sound untrustworthy. I think you already know this however.

JimmyChoosChimichanga Mon 28-Sep-15 21:40:41

I think Tom is Dave. She has just changed the name to cover her tracks.

DarkRosaleen Mon 28-Sep-15 22:01:11

Tom is Dave ! Oh you could be right.

SweetPotato1 Mon 28-Sep-15 23:16:57

Thanks for the replies.

No, Tom and Dave two separate people (not real names!) I've had met Tom previously and I've seen Dave on FB. Tonight she's already 3 hours in his company. He's taking her for a spin on his bike. She told me she was meeting Rita to work on group presentation.

Doormat? My fingers shaking with anxiety as I go through her texts isn't something I plan on continuing with year after year, so I need to bring this to a head but I can't do that with strong suspicions alone. She ticks the emotional affair box but if it becomes physical I'll need hard evidence and also I'll need to know it was more than a one off mistake.

To man up and confront her at this stage would be to reveal that I've read her texts and two minutes later she has a working screen lock. While she would probably show Dave the road, a year or two down the line I could have my suspicions about new guy and have no way of knowing.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Sep-15 23:19:44

Is living in this state of distrust and fear not already a deal breaker for you ?

If not, crack on and stay hamstrung.

If you don't want to live like this, then LTB anyway. You have more than enough reason to.

UncertainSmile Mon 28-Sep-15 23:20:02

I couldn't tolerate this; she's taking you for a fool.

UncertainSmile Mon 28-Sep-15 23:20:43

Isn't an emotional affair enough of a deal-breaker for you?

JimmyChoosChimichanga Tue 29-Sep-15 06:41:05

I would be gutted if my DH had a crafty shag on a night out without me knowing but I would be far and away more hurt by what you are going through Sweetpotato. The fact that her thoughts, interest, time, love and affection are directed elsewhere and the fact that she is prepared to lie to you about it is far worse IMO. I think you need to change what you have as a 'final straw' boundary. By the time you are feeling the way you do (and have done in the past) a penis in a vagina is pretty much neither here nor there really. I had this with my relationship before I met DH. I am pretty sure they never actually had sex until after her husband left her and I booted him out, but the way the pair were behaving and the fact that he had withdrawn from our relationship in every way, apart from his name being on the mortgage, was the end for me. What I am saying is, be governed by the way she is making you feel and don't let the timetable of their relationship dictate what you do with your life.
You do not have to have a concrete reason for ending it with her so you have a cut and dried reason if someone asks. The fact she is making you feel way down her list of priorities is a good enough reason to end it now, stop looking for bits of evidence, ie a reason. The reason is writ large on the inside of your eyelids!

MuttonCadet Tue 29-Sep-15 06:58:11

You don't need facts, you are unhappy with her behaviour, you no longer want to be in a relationship, you aren't going to be asked to prove anything. (Well she might want you to, but that doesn't mean anything, she's created this situation).

Do you think you'll need facts to explain to your children why your relationship broke up? Because I think you should keep them out of it.

Give yourself some time, and make a plan, but believe me, this woman has checked out of your relationship, you don't owe her anything.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Tue 29-Sep-15 07:03:21

sweet I think what you'll also find from speaking to people whose partners have had physical affairsis that it's the emotional side of it and deceit that is the most hurtful. Not that they'd locked body parts with someone else.

What you are livibg with would be a deal breaker for me. In fact, it would have been some time ago. I ended my marriage over less than you know.

AndDeepBreath Tue 29-Sep-15 07:45:20

Even if she put a screen lock on, how would that change your relationship?

End it, get out! She's using you and your one and only life.

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