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It's happened again

(17 Posts)
MissApple Mon 28-Sep-15 10:25:22

Why oh why cant men just be friends without wanting to go further/date you? I don't want a boyfriend, but they think they can change you to make you want them that way. It's now spoilt a good friendship, and I feel that I can't be myself or slob out in front of the tv on an friday night with him any more. To be honest I am a bit scared of putting myself in that position with him again as I dont want to have to tell him again I dont fancy him

PurpleDaisies Mon 28-Sep-15 10:30:25

What makes you think that now you've told him you don't fancy him he'll try it on again?

This happened with a friend of mine. It was awkward for a while but things went back to normal. Big he's a good friend isn't it worth putting up with the awkwardness for a bit to get back to normal?

I don't agree that all men think they can make you want to date them. If you're close friends with someone sometimes signals can get mixed up.

PurpleDaisies Mon 28-Sep-15 10:31:17

If he's a good friend not big he's a good friend above.

MissApple Mon 28-Sep-15 10:32:50

He arranged a night out next week and I'm dreading it.

MissApple Mon 28-Sep-15 10:34:39

He's a good friend, I dont even see him that much, but he has been stepping up the get togethers more recently. I should have seen it coming.

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 28-Sep-15 11:20:41

It sounds like you feel a little trapped. You aren't; you can take charge here:

- You don't need to go to get-togethers that you dread.

- You can state that you're not interested before he makes a move. If you find it awkward or big-headed to outright say: "X, I'm not interested in anything romantic with you," you could be more indirect and say: "I'm so glad to be able to meet a male friend like this without the stress of any romantic undercurrent. Thanks for being a pal, X!". Although being direct is really much better, even if it is a little awkward at the time.

Basically, it's always the most helpful to you and to the other person to clearly state your position. For example, he could be more clear and outright ask you on a date, instead of creeping up the attention. But he's not, so it's down to you to bring clarity to your interactions.

cozietoesie Mon 28-Sep-15 11:27:48

If you're dreading a night out with him then you really shouldn't go.

You said that 'I dont want to have to tell him again I dont fancy him.'

What did he say the first time you told him that? Did he actually listen?

MissApple Mon 28-Sep-15 11:28:01

Thanks Rice, don't get me wrong, I would love a boyfriend, but this guy doesn't do it for me, hence the friendship. I have told him I'm not looking for a bf. When I do meet someone I like, they never feel the same. I can't win!

cozietoesie Mon 28-Sep-15 11:29:48

Would you actually be happier not seeing him at all then? What does he add to your life?

MissApple Mon 28-Sep-15 11:31:20

Hi cozie, I'm not really dreading the night out, he did listen when I said I don't want a bf, so maybe he won't try again. I'm am positive I didnt lead him on or give mixed signals. I work for a large PR firm and pride myself at being good with people and making them feel at ease. Men always take this as a come on. It's the way I am. Maybe I should become a hermit

MissApple Mon 28-Sep-15 11:31:54

If I never saw him again, it wouldnt worry me, but he is a friend

cozietoesie Mon 28-Sep-15 11:39:14

If you don't really want to go out for the evening, I'd still say so to him. if he's not invested in it and is just a friend, he shouldn't mind at all.

Kingie1 Mon 28-Sep-15 11:41:41

You say that when you find a guy you like that they don't reciprocate. So you must be able to understand how your friend is feeling.
Just be clear with him and if it's uncomfortable the friendship will probably naturally cool off for a bit.
Expect him to feel embarrassed

MissApple Mon 28-Sep-15 11:46:49

I know he will feel embarrassed, he misread my signals Im sure. I was completely sober and he had had a couple...

cozietoesie Mon 28-Sep-15 11:50:10

Yes he'll likely be embarrassed - but can you ever be 'easy' with this friendship again? Won't you now be watching every word he says and every action he takes?

For me, it would need to be a very positive and open friendship to get over those. Maybe you can talk it through and maybe it's worth it to you - only you can decide that.

Muckogy Mon 28-Sep-15 11:51:31

cancel the night out he has arranged.
just say you can't make it.

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 28-Sep-15 11:59:35

I would love a boyfriend, but this guy doesn't do it for me, hence the friendship. I have told him I'm not looking for a bf.

Why do you feel the need to be untruthful. You do want a boyfriend. You don't want him as a boyfriend. You don't need to lie to spare his feelings, because then you're just going to feel awkward, and him hurt, when you do find a boyfriend you like.

It's totally legit to not be into someone. And if they're a grown-up, they can hear it.

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