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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

It's happened again

16 replies

MissApple · 28/09/2015 10:25

Why oh why cant men just be friends without wanting to go further/date you? I don't want a boyfriend, but they think they can change you to make you want them that way. It's now spoilt a good friendship, and I feel that I can't be myself or slob out in front of the tv on an friday night with him any more. To be honest I am a bit scared of putting myself in that position with him again as I dont want to have to tell him again I dont fancy him

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PurpleDaisies · 28/09/2015 10:30

What makes you think that now you've told him you don't fancy him he'll try it on again?

This happened with a friend of mine. It was awkward for a while but things went back to normal. Big he's a good friend isn't it worth putting up with the awkwardness for a bit to get back to normal?

I don't agree that all men think they can make you want to date them. If you're close friends with someone sometimes signals can get mixed up.

PurpleDaisies · 28/09/2015 10:31

If he's a good friend not big he's a good friend above.

MissApple · 28/09/2015 10:32

He arranged a night out next week and I'm dreading it.

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MissApple · 28/09/2015 10:34

He's a good friend, I dont even see him that much, but he has been stepping up the get togethers more recently. I should have seen it coming.

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RiceCrispieTreats · 28/09/2015 11:20

It sounds like you feel a little trapped. You aren't; you can take charge here:

You don't need to go to get-togethers that you dread.

You can state that you're not interested before he makes a move. If you find it awkward or big-headed to outright say: "X, I'm not interested in anything romantic with you," you could be more indirect and say: "I'm so glad to be able to meet a male friend like this without the stress of any romantic undercurrent. Thanks for being a pal, X!". Although being direct is really much better, even if it is a little awkward at the time.

Basically, it's always the most helpful to you and to the other person to clearly state your position. For example, he could be more clear and outright ask you on a date, instead of creeping up the attention. But he's not, so it's down to you to bring clarity to your interactions.

cozietoesie · 28/09/2015 11:27

If you're dreading a night out with him then you really shouldn't go.

You said that 'I dont want to have to tell him again I dont fancy him.'

What did he say the first time you told him that? Did he actually listen?

MissApple · 28/09/2015 11:28

Thanks Rice, don't get me wrong, I would love a boyfriend, but this guy doesn't do it for me, hence the friendship. I have told him I'm not looking for a bf. When I do meet someone I like, they never feel the same. I can't win!

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cozietoesie · 28/09/2015 11:29

Would you actually be happier not seeing him at all then? What does he add to your life?

MissApple · 28/09/2015 11:31

Hi cozie, I'm not really dreading the night out, he did listen when I said I don't want a bf, so maybe he won't try again. I'm am positive I didnt lead him on or give mixed signals. I work for a large PR firm and pride myself at being good with people and making them feel at ease. Men always take this as a come on. It's the way I am. Maybe I should become a hermit

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MissApple · 28/09/2015 11:31

If I never saw him again, it wouldnt worry me, but he is a friend

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cozietoesie · 28/09/2015 11:39

If you don't really want to go out for the evening, I'd still say so to him. if he's not invested in it and is just a friend, he shouldn't mind at all.

Kingie1 · 28/09/2015 11:41

You say that when you find a guy you like that they don't reciprocate. So you must be able to understand how your friend is feeling.
Just be clear with him and if it's uncomfortable the friendship will probably naturally cool off for a bit.
Expect him to feel embarrassed

MissApple · 28/09/2015 11:46

I know he will feel embarrassed, he misread my signals Im sure. I was completely sober and he had had a couple...

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cozietoesie · 28/09/2015 11:50

Yes he'll likely be embarrassed - but can you ever be 'easy' with this friendship again? Won't you now be watching every word he says and every action he takes?

For me, it would need to be a very positive and open friendship to get over those. Maybe you can talk it through and maybe it's worth it to you - only you can decide that.

Muckogy · 28/09/2015 11:51

cancel the night out he has arranged.
just say you can't make it.

RiceCrispieTreats · 28/09/2015 11:59

I would love a boyfriend, but this guy doesn't do it for me, hence the friendship. I have told him I'm not looking for a bf.

Why do you feel the need to be untruthful. You do want a boyfriend. You don't want him as a boyfriend. You don't need to lie to spare his feelings, because then you're just going to feel awkward, and him hurt, when you do find a boyfriend you like.

It's totally legit to not be into someone. And if they're a grown-up, they can hear it.

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