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Big Christmas and mum and husband problem

(39 Posts)
Morganly Mon 28-Sep-15 00:37:28

My mum is a widow and is aged 85 and in poor health. 4 years ago, I had mum and dad to us for Xmas. Dad had Alzheimer's and H does not get on with my mum (she is irritating, by the way). Not a good Xmas.

3 years ago, dad was in nursing home. Mum went to home for Xmas day. I invited her to us for Boxing Day. She initially said no, but changed her mind later. In between, I had told H she wasn't coming. He has this big thing about Boxing Day, likes it better than Xmas day, as it's more relaxed, we do a special buffet lunch. When I told him she was coming to us after all he went ape shit, misinterpreted the reason and thought it was something to do with my elder brother changing his plans, which it wasn't but it was all a total disaster and he sulked all over Xmas and it was horrible.

2 years ago, dad has died, mum's first Xmas alone, we agreed we spend Xmas day at her house but have Boxing Day at home. We did this, I can't say it was great as he barely speaks to her but I can see that he made a sacrifice in not having Xmas day at home.

Last year, hallelujah, my brother has mum for Xmas.

So this year it's my turn yes? Except, I have another sister and brother. Sister lives a long way away and has no money. Mum can't get there, they can't get here. Other brother has a tiny house, a new baby, plus his partner's mum is seriously ill.

H doesn't want us to spend Xmas with mum and thinks other members of the family should step up. I will not leave her on her own over Xmas. Where do we go with this?

SavoyCabbage Mon 28-Sep-15 00:46:27

I think your dh sounds like a petulant child wanting absolutely everything his own way.

Out of the two days he spends one every year doing what he wants and last year he had both days.

What about you and what you want? Is he even slightly interested in that?

AcrossthePond55 Mon 28-Sep-15 01:08:11

Leave your spoiled child dh home and go to your mum's. Does he seriously expect you to allow your mum to sit alone at home for Christmas. If he can't manage to have sympathy and compassion for an elderly woman alone, he deserves to sit alone on Christmas. Unless by 'irritating' you mean that your mum slags him off constantly or is otherwise unpleasant and/or disruptive to him or the family as a whole.

In theory, it would be nice if you and your siblings could rotate. There are 4 of you, yes? You, brother (last year), sister (too far), and brother (tiny house, new baby, ill MiL)? I think you should go ahead this year but after the holidays talk to your siblings about some sort of 'plan'? If sister knows a year ahead could she put enough by or are you and your two brothers in a position to give mum a ticket to sister's as your Xmas gift to her? And if brother's house is too tiny to allow for one additional person, can't they go to hers once every 4 years?

I've been 'it' since my mum's dementia got to the point where she could no longer entertain. My brother is a confirmed bachelor and has never had more than a studio. But we shared cooking and I didn't mind as we are all very close. I'm looking this year as being the first year my mother's dementia will mean that she will not be able to join us without upsetting and confusing her. Because of that I believe that family needs to band together to see that their elderly parents spend the holidays with one of their chldren, no matter what.

scallopsrgreat Mon 28-Sep-15 01:09:20

Agree with Savoy. Where does what you (or your mum for that matter) want come in to his thinking?

Unless there is something your not saying aren't parents/other parents always slightly annoying?

Oh and the sulking - manipulative shit that is a form of abuse.

Bogeyface Mon 28-Sep-15 01:15:33

Your problem isnt Xmas or your mother, but your nasty H.

I take it that your views are not in his plan? Seems to me that Xmas is only a "good" Xmas if he deems it so.

Leave him to enjoy it alone and go to your mums. The woman is 85 FFS, if you cant be irritating at 85 then when the hell can you be?!

And could you define irritating? What does he deem to be irritating behaviour.

Oh and another Q, where are his family in all of this? I dont want to make assumptions but based on your OP I cant help wondering if he has fallen out with them......

lunar1 Mon 28-Sep-15 01:20:24

I'd leave your nasty husband to have a relaxed Christmas by himself.

Babbafish Mon 28-Sep-15 01:48:47

My mum died last year ..... We are facing our second Christmas without her! TBH ..... I'd tell your hubby to do one!!!!

verystressedmum Mon 28-Sep-15 02:09:53

Your husband hates your mum and doesn't speak to her because she's irritating?

Topseyt Mon 28-Sep-15 02:29:07

Your husband is being a brat here.

Not too sure what you mean by irritating, bu I am sure none of us are perfect. We can all have habits and eccentricities that others find irritating.

Go and visit your mum for Christmas, or take her out. Whatever you want to do with her. Tell your DH he can tag along if he likes once he has finished acting like a spoilt child. If he wants Christmas his way he can have it, on his own.

Don't leave your mum on her own for Christmas.

diddl Mon 28-Sep-15 03:31:44

Well I do think he has a point about other family "stepping up", although that in know why excuses his behaviour.

Could you pay for your sister to come to you as well as your mum?

goddessofsmallthings Mon 28-Sep-15 03:40:27

I agree with Savoy; your h is behaving like a petulant child. Doesn't he know Christmas is for giving and that it's the one day a year when selfishness should be put to one side in the spirit of goodwill to all?

Perhaps your dm can come to you on Christmas Eve and stay through till Boxing Day morning when you can fix up hamper for her of cold turkey, ham, and other meats, together with salad or vegetables and gravy ready for the microwave or warming in the oven, and take her home so that his lordship can prepare and enjoy his traditional buffet in solitary confinement peace.

If I were you, I'd tell him to like it or lump it that you are resolved to ensure that your dm is never alone at Christmas or other significant dates/holidays, and remind him that there will come a time when he'll be in need of the loving care and consideration of relatives so that he doesn't have to celebrate special days alone while his nearest and dearest are rejoicing without him.

Treasure your dm while she's here as you'll give anything to have her back after she's gone and any irrititating ways she has will become foibiles that are fondly remembered with a smile. .

Chottie Mon 28-Sep-15 06:08:36

I'm with everyone else here too. Your DM is on her own, it's Christmas, my DM died 11 years ago and we still miss her at Christmas time......

Your DH is being very petty and small minded....

wankerchief Mon 28-Sep-15 06:11:55

H sounds like a stroppy toddler.

Send him elsewhere and have a nice Christmas with your mum

Chillyegg Mon 28-Sep-15 06:16:02

Yep I'd be spending Christmas with your mam, leave DH to it. Let him sulk at home alone and to sort his own food and drink out.
Why don't they get on op?

MythicalKings Mon 28-Sep-15 06:20:49

Your DH is a shit. Why are you with him if this is how he behaves, casting a dark cloud of misery around himself.

2gorgeousboys Mon 28-Sep-15 06:38:06

I agree with the previous posters. Your DH needs to grow up and start thinking about other people. For the last 2 years we have had my elderly grandparents for Christmas Day. Despite them having 3 children and 6 grandchildren no one else steps up and I can not bear the thought of them being on their own. I'm sure it's not my DH's ideal Christmas Day as DGM has dementia and can be difficult but he understands that it's not just about him and we will have other Christmasses. This year wil be the first year without my DFiL so we will probably have DMiL as well. Ignore your DH and do what you feel is right, enjoy Christmas with your DM and speak to our siblings after Christmas to plan for next year.

Ohfourfoxache Mon 28-Sep-15 08:39:08

Your "D" H sounds horrible sad

DoreenLethal Mon 28-Sep-15 08:45:13

Aren't alot of mothers irritating? We are having a family holiday next year - 17 of us and I am sure that fairly few of them will be rather irritating and that's for two weeks and we are really looking forward to the sarcastic banter. And the sun, and pool of course.

Tell him to shut the fuck up and stop being such a twat.

WorzelsCornyBrows Mon 28-Sep-15 08:46:28

Your DH is horrible. If she were a nasty piece of work, fair enough, but because she's irritating he's prepared to ruin Christmas for himself and you by being a big baby? Just no.

Only1scoop Mon 28-Sep-15 08:51:44

Leave him to his 'special buffet' and go to your mums and have Christmas there.

He should be 'stepping up' and helping you out here. Not making you feel worse.

KitKat1985 Mon 28-Sep-15 09:11:27

I agree that your DH needs to stop this sulking and deal with it. The harsh reality is that if your Mum is 85 and in bad health then she won't really have many Christmases left so it wouldn't hurt him to just accept your Mum being with you for Christmas. To however try and make it more manageable go to hers for Christmas but don't overdo it. A few hours (like 11am-4pm) will be more than enough if they don't get on well, and much longer will probably be a bit much for her too if she's in poor health. As a compromise let him do what he wants for Boxing day. If you have 3 siblings I think between them they should all be able to phone / visit on Boxing day so she's not too isolated.

clam Mon 28-Sep-15 09:14:31

And does he have any good points?

He sounds thoroughly unpleasant and I find it hard to believe it doesn't show itself in other areas too.

QuintShhhhhh Mon 28-Sep-15 09:17:52

Ditch the husband! How many Christmases has he ruined so far?

Let him have his boxing day at home or with his own parents, can you go make Christmas at your mums?

WhyDoesGastonBark Mon 28-Sep-15 09:17:58

I think your OH is being a dick!

I HATE my MIL but I have been to her for breakfast at 9am on Xmas day a few times for my husbands benefit, lucky for me if she is drunk (50/50) he doesn't want to go either so I don't always have to do it but I do it for him!

contrary13 Mon 28-Sep-15 09:42:30

I don't know... I can see a flip-side to this.

My maternal grandmother is a widow, aged 85, who also has four children - my mother (who lives almost 400 miles away), two uncles (who live in the same town) and an aunt (who lives in the next county, so maybe 40 miles away). Every year, there is the "who'll have her for Christmas?" debate.

And it is a debate. Because she is nasty - although her children all describe her as "irritating", too. My two uncles refuse point blank to have her in their homes/have anything to do with her (she's never met her youngest grandchild as a result of this NC). My aunt will use her for child-care (of her younger teenage son) and has recently proven herself to be a real chip off the old block. My mother, who is the oldest, feels guilty. As though she ought to drive up to collect my grandmother, bring her down to spend Christmas with us (my parents, my children, myself) every year.

Every year, my father tells my mother that my grandmother is nasty, that he will not have her in his home.

Every year, I point out that if she wishes to spend Christmas with her mother, then that's absolutely fine - but she will not see me, or my children until my grandmother has been driven home (again, by my mother). We'll just have a belated holiday, I tell her, and the children and I are okay to celebrate on our own (only child, here!).

Every year, my mother makes plans to have my grandmother down for Christmas... until she announces (always at last minute, the day before my mother is due to drive to collect her) that she's "had a better offer". every year, she guilt-trips my mother and then breaks her heart... but that isn't why my father and I know that she's nasty.

That would be because, whenever my mother isn't around, my grandmother has gone out of her way to destroy Christmas for my children (she told my over-excited and bouncing in his seat at the dinner table, whilst telling us all how much he loved the gifts Santa had brought him, then 3 year old DS, that Santa "doesn't exist" and that she was going to take all of his and his 11 year old sister's gifts "and burn them on a big fire". My father over-heard this. I was sat right in front of her when she said it (and promptly gathered my children... and left). My mother... still doesn't want to believe that her own mother could be so nasty).

So, there may be a flip-side. I'd ask your husband why he doesn't like your mother, if I were you, and be prepared to listen to something she may have said/done that shows a side to her you either haven't seen before, or simply don't want to acknowledge that you've witnessed, OP. I'm willing to bet there's a whole back-story that you're oblivious to...

(Incidentally, my grandmother's been a widow for almost 20 years. She was nasty - actually physically abusive to me as a child, which is why she has never been allowed to be alone with either one of my children - before my Granddad died).

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