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Turning down invites: do you give a reason?

(27 Posts)
happyclappy123 Sat 26-Sep-15 19:49:11

Just want a variety of opinions on this. I have a friend who if I imessage her an invite to something and she can't make it just says no, without any explanation or apology. I on the otherhand would always say no, sorry can't because ... maybe another time. I thought that we just had different styles but today I got turned down by 3 people, one of whom was this friend who just said no can't make it whlie the other 2 gave reasons. Is my friend just rude or is this normal behaviour?

RiceCrispieTreats Sat 26-Sep-15 19:55:07

I find it normal and do it myself, "No, I'm not available," or "That doesn't work for me, have fun!" kind of thing.

No-one needs to justify how they choose to spend their own time. The only important information that needs to be transmitted in response to an invitation is "yes" or "no".

Try it yourself maybe and see if you like it!

Joysmum Sat 26-Sep-15 20:01:01

I don't always give reason but I do then extend dialogue to arrange another time to meet up.

AnotherEmma Sat 26-Sep-15 20:04:04

Hmmm. I think it depends on the circumstances. If it's a close friend and an important occasion (eg birthday party) I would expect an apology and an explanation. If it's a casual friend and a low-key occasion I think just saying "I can't come I'm afraid, hope you have fun" is totally fine.

There are some situations when people feel they have to make up a reason or excuse and that's a shame. Sometimes it's ok to just say "No, I can't come". Especially if the person giving the invitation has put pressure on or is arguing with your reason for not being able to attend. (A recent thread springs to mind!)

Scobberlotcher Sat 26-Sep-15 20:04:21

I think "no" would be rude. Just she actually just say the word no and nothing else?

I think even "no thank you" is not the norm and comes across as quite rude.

But I think saying something like "sorry, I can't make that" without going into why you can't is perfectly acceptable. Or sorry, I can't, but I hope you have a great time...

You don't have to give a reason if you don't want to but I think it's nice to be a bit softer than "no".

If someone just said "no", tbh I'd stop asking them to stuff.

CleverPlansAndSecretTricks Sat 26-Sep-15 20:29:56

I have recently felt a bit rejected a couple of times when someone has replied to an invitation with "sorry we have other plans then" and no reason. I don't know why. I think it is my problem, as that is a perfectly polite response. Can't get over feeling a bit snubbed though...even though I know it's unreasonable.

CalleighDoodle Sat 26-Sep-15 20:31:38

I think 'no' is rude, but 'i cant make it' is reason in itself. It tells you they cant make it.

What exactly did she say?

eddielizzard Sat 26-Sep-15 20:33:20

just 'no' is rude. i'd expect a bit more fluff around it: 'so sorry, can't make that. hope you have a good time tho.'

that sort of thing.

try it back on her and see how she reacts. maybe she doesn't realise how it comes across.

CalleighDoodle Sat 26-Sep-15 20:33:20

I have other plans is the excuse though. They have other plans. youve no need to know what they are. If the same person always turns you down, move on.

Ragwort Sat 26-Sep-15 20:42:45

It depends if I would like to accept the invitation or not. I usually say something like 'sorry, I've already got commitments but hope you have a lovely evening ' even if that means staying in with a good book grin. Or I use my elderly parents as an excuse. blush - though they are in perfectly good health and have a more active social life than I do.

I don't particularly like going 'out' just for the sake of it - ie: a meal, drinks or a party ............. I am happy to do something specific like a cinema trip but I have got to the age when I would rather be home alone than having to pretend to be enjoying myself!

brokenhearted55a Sat 26-Sep-15 20:51:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IonaNE Sat 26-Sep-15 21:16:06

I think "I/we have other plans" is a good one: the "other plans" could be spending an evening in/on my own, doing my thing - it's nobody's business what those other plans are. I will try to avoid even this though and say something like "Thank you for thinking of me. I won't be joining you this time but I hope you enjoy xyz."

AnotherEmma Sat 26-Sep-15 21:57:27

That's why I wouldn't like it if a friend said they have "other plans" rather than something specific, I interpret that to mean that they just don't want to go. If they're more specific I'm less hurt because it means they have a genuine reason. But as I said, it depends on the friend and the occasion. I would be hurt if it was a good friend and an important occasion. Less bothered if it wasn't.

IonaNE Sun 27-Sep-15 20:05:51

What is wrong with "just not wanting to go"? Essentially what you are asking me to do is lie so you can feel better (I don't mean this in any nasty way, just pointing it out). So if we are friends and I just don't feel like going to something you organise, the outcome would be the same (=I would not be there) but I would have to invent a lie and present it to you ("I am really sorry but my MIL is having her 85th birthday party on Guernsey that day."). In my book being friends does not mean that you always have to be in the mood whatever the other organises.

DurhamDurham Sun 27-Sep-15 20:11:12

If I'm turning down an invitation and I genuinely can't go I just politely decline and maybe give reason if host shows an interest in knowing. However if I'm turning down something when I actually could have gone I tend to go on and on making excuses......I embarrass myself really. It's guilt, it's a terrible thing grin

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Sun 27-Sep-15 20:17:03

Yes. It's rather bad mannered to just say. I won't be there, even if I just didn't want to go. I'd just pull an excuse out of the hat. A little white lie is better than the cold hard truth.

Scobberlotcher Sun 27-Sep-15 20:19:13

I know what you mean Iona. I have been pressed to give a reason when I have said sorry, but I won't be there, I hope you have a fab time.

It feels like they are demanding my reason because they think they have the right to assess whether or not they feel my reason is justified.

Well, what if I didn't want to go because I wanted to slouch in front of the tv with a huge tub of ben and jerry's? Because I just didn't feel like getting dressed up and being sociable, because I was tired, fried or whatever and I just really wanted to be quiet and alone?

I'm not asking whether my reason is ok. Whether the person feels I am permitted to say no grin I'm saying no.

happyclappy123 Sun 27-Sep-15 20:41:10

Maybe I'm too nosey. i don't actually care what the reason is, if a friend says they'd prefer to stay in to watch strictly etc etc I'm happy that they've been honest and am not at all offended

Friend is question, who is supposed to be quite a good friend, just says 'nope' or 'nope, can't make it' which I find 'off'

Scobberlotcher Sun 27-Sep-15 20:50:10

I would find "nope" horribly rude too.

I think there has to be a sorry in there, and something about how they hope you have fun.

I don't think I'd continue to ask someone to things if all I got was "nope".

Somehow nope is worse than no. It's more, I dunno, dismissive. iyswim.

MotherOfFlagons Sun 27-Sep-15 20:53:25

If I can't (or don't want to) do something I just say that I have other plans, apologise and tell them I hope they have a great time. I think that's sufficient.

I sort of admire people who just say 'no' without any qualification because it is at least honest, but I can see that it's likely to be construed as rude.

velourvoyageur Sun 27-Sep-15 21:00:23

If it's a spur of the moment thing I do "sorry, I'm feeling a bit antisocial" with (what I fondly imagine to be) a warm smile. If it's in advance and it's e.g. going to see a film I do "sorry, not my thing" and hope they drop it.
If it was too general for that e.g. coffee and I didn't want to go and I couldn't think of a nice way to say it I'd just go, like an unassertive lemon.

"nope" is so rude it's making me laugh grin who would say that!

velourvoyageur Sun 27-Sep-15 21:05:23

In fact I had a friend when little who always said "nope" instead of "no" with no hint of humour and it got on my nerves even then! But I did have a nagging feeling that it was because I felt uncomfortable that she could be so confident about saying no instead of faffing around cushioning things like everyone else did.

AnotherEmma Sun 27-Sep-15 22:03:19

"What is wrong with "just not wanting to go"? Essentially what you are asking me to do is lie so you can feel better"

Er no, that's not what I said! I don't want someone to lie or make excuses. I would be hurt if they didn't want to go but I never said they should lie. What I meant was that if there is a genuine reason I'd rather know so I understand it's not just because they don't want to go.

AnotherEmma Sun 27-Sep-15 22:05:41

"being friends does not mean that you always have to be in the mood whatever the other organises."

Of course not, no one said that though did they?

ffffffedup Sun 27-Sep-15 22:09:28

What if they genuinely just didn't want to go?? another

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