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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

My new partner doesn't want anymore kids

28 replies

BReal11 · 25/09/2015 15:02

Help, I'm a mum of a beautiful 5 year old and my marriage didn't work out because my ex cheated on me. Anyway I have found a new partner who already has two children one 10 the other 14. When we got together I said that he needed to be aware that I wanted another baby, he said he was not adverse to the idea. Weeks went on then he broke down to me saying he's been there done that and doesn't want anymore and then went and got a vasectomy. Now I want another child and I don't know what to do? Should I just accept it or should I leave? Apart from this issue everything else is perfect between us. I'm so lost I need help?...

OP posts:

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DistanceCall · 25/09/2015 15:05

He doesn't want any more children. He should have told you from the start, but it seems to have been afraid of losing you.

Only you can decide what has the most weight for you: the possibility of having another child with someone else, or staying with this man.

RealityCheque · 25/09/2015 15:09

No one other than you can make this decision for you.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

BReal11 · 25/09/2015 15:14

Thank you for your reply. I guess it was the only thing I ever knew I wanted in life was to be a mum. And maybe it's come to me in a different way with his kids. I really do love him. And I know he does love me. We've been together a year and I guess being 34 myself it doesn't leave me a lot of time.
I had a miscarriage first time round so my daughter is the most special thing ever. I am lucky I have a child. There are some people out there who cannot have any xx

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 25/09/2015 15:14

How long have you been together?

If it hasn't been long, I would probably call it quits now. The urge to have another child is not going to just go away.

BrandNewAndImproved · 25/09/2015 15:17

If you already have a daughter and everything else about the relationship is great I'd say be happy with what you've got. Broodyness does go away unless you haven't got any dc.

As he lied to you and didn't tell you about his vasectomy then get rid. Hes a liar why would you want to be with someone who has no respect for you.

tobysmum77 · 25/09/2015 15:26

I think he's been honest with you, either you can accept it or not. At first he probably hadnt really thought about it, then he did and the answer was no. Simple as that.

DistanceCall · 25/09/2015 15:30

I disagree that your partner has no respect for you. He would have had no respect for you if he had dragged you along for years and lied to you before telling you that he really does not want any more children.

It took him a few weeks because he was afraid that you would leave him. But he told you. He respects you. Whatever you decide to do, this is an honest man.

RaspberryBeret34 · 25/09/2015 15:31

I've been in a similar position (3yo DS and want another). I do feel I want to be able to look back and feel I gave myself every opportunity to have another child. If it doesn't happen I'll be sad but thrilled that i have my DS and able to move on. I just think, for me, it is important to give my ideal (to have a family including a new child) a chance. Then, if it comes to it in a few years time I can move on - yes, feeling sad - but without any resentment or regrets.

I'm not saying that is the right thing for you though - maybe if my ex had been the perfect man for me I would've given up the idea of another child for him. I do think your partner should've given the whole issue some proper thought when you initially raised it - it smacks of him getting you in deep enough that you would be less likely to back out before revealing this. How long did he wait after telling you he didn't want any more before getting the vasectomy?

willconcern · 25/09/2015 15:33

Do you mean he had the vasectomy after you had the conversation telling him you wanted more DCs? If so that's major deceit.

Or do you mean he broke down after the conversation & told you he'd already had the op before he met you? Very different.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 25/09/2015 15:34

I read it that he told he didn't want any more children, then had the vasectomy.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 25/09/2015 15:34

*her not he

Nonnainglese · 25/09/2015 15:38

then went and got a vasectomy ? Knowing that you wanted another child?
Hardly being honest in my opinion- presumably he only let on because you said you wanted another? That is neither respect nor honesty in my book.
Very difficult if you love him but it does seem very strange he did that without telling you, to be honest.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 25/09/2015 15:41

Where does it say he didn't tell her about the vasectomy? Seems like I'm reading a different op...

tobysmum77 · 25/09/2015 15:44

Its his body his choice to have a vasectomy. I read it that he told OP his decision then had the operation.

AuntieStella · 25/09/2015 15:46

One aspect to think about is whether he told you he was getting the vasectomy. If he just did it and then told you, it's a bad indicator about how far he will be open with you. If he'd had it years ago and not told you that he almost certainly could not have more children from the outset, then it's bad too.

But if he did explain that, after some weeks of thought, he really meant no and was going to take the necessary steps (his body his choice) then it's quite possible he took some time just to do the thinking (from the vagueness of not really having thought about it, to the actuality of a partner who wants to TTC), and made his settled decision. Which leaves you, and only you, to decide if this is the deal breaker.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 25/09/2015 16:01

Did he have a vasectomy while you were together without telling you? Because if so it's that that you should dump him for. You have a child so in that sense I would recommend choosing a great relationship over the chance of future dc but not with a man who lied and deceived you.

Shutthatdoor · 25/09/2015 16:06

Where does it say he didn't tell her about the vasectomy? Seems like I'm reading a different op...

Me too. It clearly says in the OP that he told her he didn't want any more DC then went and got a vasectomy, which he is fully entitled to do.

Cherrybakewells1 · 25/09/2015 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emmalouissa · 25/09/2015 16:16

Been in this position too. Was very clear I wanted kids. He said he wanted them too...wanted me to be the mother of his children. We even fantasy named them .

Slowly he delayed. Wait till we have more money. Wait till the time is right. Wait till we are married.

He already had a child.

At the end of the day he never wanted a kid with me. He just said he did when he was in love. In my case he was just not committed and full of shit.

We were 6 years together and I felt very let Down that I gave up my hopes and dreams and then he left for someone else.

Just a cautionary tale but you have to accept if he does not want DC with you that you might be giving that up for someone who won't necessarily be with you for life anyway.

It's a tough call

Look for other signs he is committed to you. How he splits finances. Whether he proposes after a year together.

I'm my case he sent messages he was not committed but he was so over the top lovey dovey that I ignored it.

Three years into our marriage he got life insurance and named his DC as sole beneficiary with me to get nothing. At the time I saw it as a good father protecting his child and never ocured to me to mind.

I hope you make the right decision for you.

Xxx

tobysmum77 · 25/09/2015 16:17

It clearly says in the OP that he told her he didn't want any more DC then went and got a vasectomy, which he is fully entitled to do.

And interestingly enough on mn men who have decided that they want no more children and don't sort out their own contraception are heavily criticised.

emmalouissa · 25/09/2015 16:18

Being honest....looking back. ..I think very few people regret having DC. Even unplanned.

I think if I truly loved someone and they desired my children I could not deny them that . Even if the idea of doing it all again was tiring.

I'm just not sure it's something you can give up for another person. So much of marriage is shared dreams and hopes x

DistanceCall · 25/09/2015 16:21

Very few people ADMIT to regret having children. Because they love them.

But I know people who told me that, even though they loved their children, they wished they had not had them.

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DistanceCall · 25/09/2015 16:23

And I can only imagine the reactions if this was a man who wanted children and the woman did not and had a tubal ligation. Surely "my body, my choice" works both ways?

hellsbellsmelons · 25/09/2015 16:27

Indeed - hindsight is wonderful thing
On the other hand, I'd die for her and wouldn't want to be without her.

OP, only you can decide this.
You are still young enough to find someone who does want the same thing as you - more children.
I think, as has been seen on here with others, that you will start to resent your DP for this.
Maybe not now, maybe not in a year or 2 but when that biological clock is well and truly ticking towards it's end you really will resent him.

I made my choice to have one - I really did not want anymore.
But so many feel that need in them.

You need to decide though and leave soon otherwise it will get harder and harder to leave.

emmalouissa · 25/09/2015 16:32

I'd personally have the same opinion mam or woman. Your body your choice. But marriage is meant to be joint choice...both of you having your hopes and wishes. If it doesn't fit together...sadly I no longer believe anyone should give up on the life they hoped for

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