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Made so many mistakes - please help.(14 Posts)
Ok this might be long. I moved away from my family to marry dh who was in the forces. We always intended to move back eventually. In the last 12 months my dm moved from my home town to live nr dsis. She has 2 kids and my dm sees them nearly everyday provides free childcare etc. The town where my dsis and dm live is very expensive.
My dh left the forces for various reasons which I support, but his pay has gone down significantly. I was expecting a promotion but it turns out I am not as well liked/respected at my employers as I thought and have been told I am yet to prove myself. I have no managerial experience. I work kart time and childcare is very expensive. Dh's family are nice but live in South east - even further away from my family and us- and very expensive again.
My dsis and dm tell me about all the lovely things they do together and her kids get the benefit of loving grandparents. They very rarely visit me and seem content with their life without me being around. They tell me they would love me to move back but there is simply no way I can- I can't magic an amazing salary/ job opportunity from thin air and where they are is so costly me and dh would need to triple or quadruple our earnings to be near.
I feel lonely and other than my dh with no support at all. J chose the wrong career, wrong degree, bought in the wrong area (crap schools) and thought my employer had plans for me to move up. I was wrong. We are skint and I am exhausted (repeated infections in my wisdom teeth) plus baby means I sleep little. I feel as though I am am absolute failure and can't see how I can turn it around.
I am well I paid for what I do and they allow me to work part time. The commute is 10 min drive. I have no prospects and don't believe I can earn more elsewhere. I can't envisage a world where I can be close to them, get rid of my money worries and be less lonely. The fact that they do so much together without me hurts so much. I am having some pretty bleak thoughts and keep wondering what my son's life will be like compared to his wealthy, much do red upon cousins who are going to grammar schools. I have failed him and he's not even two years old.
You have not failed your son. You seem very overwhelmed at the moment.
Can you or dh change careers or one of you go back to uni and retrain in a better paid field?
It looks like you could do with being near to your family or your husbands. Could you put your name on the housing list? Apply to private home associations.
If you are struggling financially have you considered contacting one of the armed forces charities? They are absolutely great in giving financial help for career training and family finances.
It's not all doom and gloom. You have to stop thinking it's all hopeless because it truly isn't.
Also the armed forces have a charity called haig homes. They have houses all over the UK which they rent only to ex armed forces families. Have a Google
You sound so down
Please try to stop focusing on what your family do without you, it's not going to do you any favours. Do you have friends in the area? I would much rather spend my free time with good friends than with my family.
Yes to looking into uni/retraining-it will be harder short term but of benefit both mentally & financially in the long run.
Sorry I should have explained. We own a house, with a mortgage. We have some equity but my dh won't sell and move into rented. We extended the term to reduce our outgoings.
My dh has retrained since he left the forces his income will go up over time but things are very tight now. I am uni educated but hit a ceiling on my earnings without any managerial experience. I have thought about doing a vocational course such as pgce but we absolutely cannot afford it- we are on a shoe string and taking a year out (even with loans/ grants) is not possible. My son would need ft childcare and on just my Dh's salary we can afford the mortgage and bills but nothing else I. E food petrol.
Ok, I think you're stuck looking at the negatives of your life, what are the positives?
You have your own little family, do fun things together when you get time-there are loads of things to do that cost nothing or very little.
Training at the moment isn't possible-will it be at some point in the future?-maybe when DH earns a little more & DS is at school? It really isn't that far off.
You didn't answer my question about friends?
Sorry bolshier- I do have some amazing friends and am very thankful of the fun and sanity they give me!
I am stuck in a negative pattern of thinking - little things drag me down. I was just on the phone to dm this morning and she was telling me how she is looking after my niece so dsis can have her hair done and what a "little star" she is... she hasn't sen my don since I last visited them in Aug and I cut my own hair to save money! It made me feel jealous, petty and lonely. Not good.
My dh is a wonderful husband, I love him and he is a great dad. My dson is my world and I adore him. I know I am lucky in lots of ways. I just wish life was a bit different- I would never ask to be rich or successful or to have expensive things- I just want my dson to be as loved and doted on.... and free childcare would be a bonus!!! I do wonder if my dm is too wrapped up in my nieces to have the time even if we were there. She looked after them mon- we'd from 7 til 7 then yesterday and today for a few hrs so dsis can have some "down time ".
I also wonder if they moved there to exclude me- they know I can't afford it, and have said I should expect the same things as dsis which I took as a warning that I would not get the same things even if I was close by. It's so fucking complicated.
Sorry - that I SHOULD NOT expect to be treated same as dsis.
that I SHOULD NOT expect to be treated same as dsis
That's an interesting thing to say. Is there a back story to that? Does your sister always perhaps get seen as the one who "needs help" whereas you are expected to cope on your own?
Easy for me to say but stop over thinking it, why they moved there doesn't matter. You can't afford to at the moment so try very hard to put it out of your head-maybe reduce the amount of times you speak to them as at the moment it's a little like salt in a wound?
So glad you have fab friends, they make life so much better. Fab hubby & lovely son too-there really are lots of positives in your life-take a step back & take stock of them.
Like I said previously, do fun things together with your little family & your friends-remember, you choose your friends, the same can't be said for family which is probably why the company of friends is always a pleasure!
Your dm and dsis seem very wrapped in their own world and oblivious to what is going on in your life. I doubt it is all a garden of roses as she makes out though as looking after someone elses children from 7-7 3 days a week and ad hoc days is hard work.
I would focus on your own lovely family and friends. In a year your ds will be entitled to free childcare (or maybe sooner, I am not up to date with this as dc now school age) and you may have the opportunity to study then.
With regards to your job I would sit down with your line manager and talk through how you can get to where you want to be. Wishing you all the best.
Pocket - my sis is very much like my mum. They have shared interests and until my dm retired were in the same profession. I am seen by my family as 'difficult'. I do wear my heart on my sleeve and if I am difficult it's certainly not out of malice or done deliberately.
Bolshier - I have cut down the amount I speak to dm and have insisted that I will not visit them until Christmas.it costs a lot in petrol and they could visit us easily- They are well off, no mobility issues, we have room etc. I have been 4 times this year. They have visited once for 1 night.
Thanks lady. That's really helpful. My dm does find looking my nieces hard work but they are all very close. The youngest will have her nursery place in a yrs time- I think she will be bereft without her. My dson gets his when he is 3 so two yrs to go.
I wouldn't go back to university, or even do a degree in the first place unless the career you want demands it.
I'm retraining to return to employment again and am doing so via distance learning. Much cheaper and you fit it around your current responsibilities as there's no timetable.
I think your best bet is to think about what you'd like to do and then find a way to achieve it. That way may take longer to Niger than you'd want or not be done in the conventional way but there would be ways to work towards something you want.
You make a lot of statements which to me appear baseless and unfounded. What mistakes have you made? What does a lack of promotion have to do with being liked or respected?
It's easy for me to say this because I'm not depressed or sleep-deprived at the moment, but so much of this feels like a matter of perspective.
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