Hi, so I've been with my oh for nearly 8 years. Theres been a lot go on in this time, he can't seem to help himself when it comes to other women. There's been so many times he's been messaging other women, sending receiving pics, and on one occasion I found him arranging to meet one in a hotel! It's been about a year since the last time I've seen anything to concern me so I guessed he had finally stopped with it all.
I went on hol a few weeks ago with our 3 children and my parents and the week leading up to it he seemed a bit off and kept his phone in his back pocket. So of course I went off feeling pretty unsure and concerned about what was up. Whilst I was on holiday I tried to keep him excited myself by dirty talk and sending him some pics of me in the bath etc, so I could keep his attention I suppose. When I came back he again seemed protective of his phone but the next night he fell asleep on the sofa so I went through it.
I found WhatsApp calls between him and an ex, messages to a woman he knew before me but has had relations with telling her he was outside her work and he wanted to see her (he's a parcel delivery driver and delivers to her work) but he was doing this daily. Status on fb (we aren't on each others fb) about how hot this and that woman are, and going through the history on his phone the night before I came home he was looking at pics of kayley cuoco from big bang, this night I was sending him pics of myself so why was he looking? I obviously don't excite him enough do I?! I also found he had been looking at dating sites and searching for nsa sex in our local area a couple of months ago. Of course this was a kick in the gut! I confronted him and he said he was looking at it with blokes at work when he worked in a factory and that it's what men do when the work in a man's environment. He didn't think he'd done anything wrong and that I was being pathetic cause he was only looking on a website, his exact words 'until I find him with his cock in another woman then what the fuck have I got to worry about?' his response to everything is he's a man! But he's my man so I don't think it's acceptable, is that wrong?
So of course my self worth and confidence has taken a bit of a battering yet again, I feel insecure. I'm barely eating and Ive found myself crying at times looking in the mirror at the wreck I see. I don't want to feel like this, I want to feel like I'm special and the most beautiful woman In the world to him but I don't. Ive spent nearly 8 years feeling 2nd best to woman who should be nothing. I'm sick of it. He says horrible vicious things when we argue, he told me the other night he would have everything to gain if he left but then cried the next day saying if he didn't love me and wanted to go he would go. That's what normally happens I put my foot down and say enough then he cries says the right thing and I roll over and let him walk over me like a doormat! I know il never trust him, I can't bare him touching me atm. What's worse than him doing this stuff in the first place is how it makes me feel about myself, ugly and worthless. As hes said before who would put up with a fat miserable bitch like me?! Im only miserable because of how I feel about myself and part of that is because of all this. Yes I am a bit heavy but on the other hand he as he was posting on his fb skinny girls don't have it apparently. He's always said he prefers women with something on them, and he knows I've been on a diet and getting more exercise to shed a few pounds, I'm doing that for myself but I don't get support just knocked down like I don't deserve to feel better about myself.
Sorry to go on I just had to get it off my chest. Am I being stupid? Is it normal and fine for men to do this?
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Feeling insecure!
18 replies
KtLovesherboys15 · 25/09/2015 05:59
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