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can I salvage this? - porn related

(25 Posts)
Followyourart Thu 24-Sep-15 12:47:52

just been online on the smart tv and found a porn site in the history. just cant figure out how I feel because "normally" I think id be ok with it, but at the moment we have sex around once a week and he knows id like more. hes also started shouting at me about really trivial things.
aside from how I personally feel about the industry, I think I could let it go if we were having more frequent and better sex and he treated me a little better. what has infuriated me isthat this is a paid site - I mean surely the internet is overrun with free porn???? and I feel that he could spend that money on me/us.
I know some women feel jealous also and I have to admit I feel I cant compete with these women.
can I please have some advice as to how I approach this? because im certain it will end up in a huge argument.

pocketsaviour Thu 24-Sep-15 12:51:01

at the moment we have sex around once a week and he knows id like more
hes also started shouting at me about really trivial things

This actually sounds to me like he's withdrawing from the relationship, sorry. Has he given any explanation of why he's suddenly started verbally abusing you?

Followyourart Thu 24-Sep-15 12:59:59

hes very stressed with his job at the min- I understand that and hope when the stress subsides things will get better. it still makes me feel crap though! the thought of him withdrawing and turning to porn devastates me and kills my self esteem. ive suggested lots of times we watch it together but he doesnt seem enthusiastic about doing that.. I dont know what to do. if I ask him about it hell think im having a go at him. is this some sort of throwback reaction from the days when he hid itfrom his parents? except Iim his partner and want us to be open with each other.

Followyourart Thu 24-Sep-15 13:01:05

sorry for the typos - rubbish phone!!

MatrixReloaded Thu 24-Sep-15 13:07:21

How upsetting. I'd be gutted. You should be able to talk to him about this , he doesn't get to yell at you.

Justaboy Thu 24-Sep-15 13:26:53

Having a gawp at a bit of porn once in a while i think is quite normal for most men, however acting on it another. Women have been known to look at porn also ISTR that someone stated a soft more romantic porn site somewhere.

Paid porn might be a site that does extreme porn as you say plenty of sites around that are free. This isn't a "hook up" site perhaps or one to do with "escorts" as going that way, big red flag if he does act on it.

That said this is just a symptom of problems elsewhere and that as you say may well be to do with his job unless he's having some attention elsewhere. Once a week eh?, should be enough for most marrieds of any length of time it is a bit odd for may way of thinking that he doesn't want it anymore most all men would, I'd be no exception.

I reckon you'll just have to be a bit easy going on him for a while not stress him and if you just get a quiet moment tell him how you feel and that it's making you unhappy and try to find out what it is there's usually a reason somewhere, no smoke without fire!.;!.

Followyourart Thu 24-Sep-15 13:34:54

thanks justaboy but I never mentioned he was doing anything or than look or gawp as you put it - at porn. quite frankly I respect him and trust him enough to know he wouldnt cheat on me. im still not happy though and I looked at the site it isnt extreme or hardcore at all - so I have no idea why he is paying for it.

Followyourart Thu 24-Sep-15 13:37:49

oh and we're not yet married, not that that should make a difference but we've been together nearly 3 years ..hes 41 and im 31 and sometimes wonder if the age gap affects things. I also naively thought that men "grew out" of porn

TokenGinger Thu 24-Sep-15 13:41:19

I sympathise with you. I watch porn myself so it's not an issue that DP does, too. However, when it would become an issue is when we are not having sex regularly. Once a week for me would also not be enough. We tend to have sex daily - it's just somehow become part of our waking up/going to bed routine. If that dwindled to daily and then he was watching porn, I'd be upset because I'd feel starved of intimacy in comparison to what I'm used to.

I'd maybe just mention it to him in a calm manner and just explain that you're not making an issue out of it but would prefer to have more regular sex and maybe that'd lessen his need to get stimulation from elsewhere.

TokenGinger Thu 24-Sep-15 13:42:13

I'm not sure men grow out of porn but I do think they grow out of sex - regular sex. The only older male partner I had was also a once per week guy.

Justaboy Thu 24-Sep-15 14:10:11

Followyourart Not yet married well the married shouldn't affect this and no, the ten year gap is nothing really ours was 20!, yes 20 years and we were together for 19 years so?. As to whether they grow out of porn well their interest in sex and sexual matters will decline a bit with age but he's a spring chicken at 41. Porn is OK as far as it goes but its no substitute for sex with a willing and wanton partner that you have deep feelings for that's the best sex around IMHO!. Keep talking to him that's the better option try to find out what's the root cause behind all this..

TokenGinger Daily eh?, i bet some men would kill for that :-) I reckon a deep passionate session once or twice a week is fine really:-)

Blimey! "If that dwindled to daily" where do you get the energy and time?.

Followyourart Thu 24-Sep-15 14:32:54

I consider 41 to still be young..however he does act older and drinks daily..which I really dont think helps. if hes watching porn then he does have sexual energy..maybe just not for me. he always and I mean every single time keeps his eyes closed during sex (sorry if tmi)which unnerves me a bit..it makes it feel so impersonal ..I dont know how to bring this up as I dont want to upset him..

pocketsaviour Thu 24-Sep-15 15:04:41

I dont know how to bring this up as I dont want to upset him..

But why should you be carrying the upset feelings just to spare him? He may well be stressed, and that may be affecting his mood and potentially his sex drive as well, and I know I tend to masturbate more during times of stress. However, he doesn't have the right to relieve his stress by shouting at you, and I can understand how you'd feel rejected by him reducing the frequency of sex but upping his masturbation.

I think you have to bring this up with him, not in an angry how-dare-you way, but just say that his attitude to you is not good enough and it's unfair for him to be rejecting you and using porn instead of being closer to each other and sticking together.

Do bear in mind though that having a wank can often feel like a completely different thing to having sex with a partner. Sometimes having sex just feels like a stressful thing, like an opportunity to fail, whereas a wank is no pressure.

BathtimeFunkster Thu 24-Sep-15 15:12:49

Don't let this be the rest of your life - pretending not to know your partner prefers wanking to porn to a decent sex life with you.

You are only 31.

You can do better than this.

thehypocritesoaf Thu 24-Sep-15 15:57:07

Justaboy, I've seen you on a few threads where women are saddened that their dhs seem to prefer watching porn to them.

Each time, you reply that everyone watches porn and that's fine. The ops should just put up with it basically and Their sexual needs/desires aren't important.

Op, I would be gutted if dh was doing this instead of being with me. Talk to him, but I wouldn't be prepared to put up with this long term and neither should you.

Justaboy Thu 24-Sep-15 16:38:01

thehypocritesoaf Whoa!, yes course it's upsetting for the woman on the other end that's quite the case. If i were female I too would be upset if he preferred watching porn to giving me attention.

However a lot do look at porn, just see the number of "hits" on a few free websites let alone paid for ones, its there, someone must be looking!.

I'm not saying that's fine but what I am saying that quite a few men do watch porn whether we like them doing that or not. A look now and again might well be not a problem in the relationship context, particularly if they do not act on that. However going out of your way to watch porn sites and doing that too excess that it IS affecting your relationship then not good and not good at all.

Men have been doing this for years i remember my dad having a stash of mens mags some 50 odd years ago! its now on the net makes it all the easier to access like modern tech is making a lot of things more accessible and that can be a good or not so good thing we just have its realise its there and cope with that being there.

Like mobile phones a godsend for busy mums arranging things coping with changes in the school day etc etc but equally useful for arranging affairs and clandestine meets etc!.

I'm not saying that the other half should put up with it or condoning it, just that it happens what the effect is, is of course a different matter.

thehypocritesoaf Thu 24-Sep-15 17:15:23

But we all know it happens, the op certainly know it happens. I am a little mystified that every time a broken hearted woman says her dh is rejecting her in favour of his porn, your stock response is 'every one watches porn'. Maybe your experience is that all men prefer to watch porn than have sex but it's not everyones.

Followyourart Thu 24-Sep-15 17:27:09

justaboy I didnt need to hear about your dads stash - thats just disgusting.

Followyourart Thu 24-Sep-15 17:28:44

can you not see it as disgusting? or was it more a right of passage type thing?

ProfesserPlum Thu 24-Sep-15 17:30:23

So, are you more annoyed about the porn, or how much money he spends on it?

thehypocritesoaf Thu 24-Sep-15 17:33:25

Or both? Is that not allowed?

Followyourart Thu 24-Sep-15 17:44:32

I think im allowed to be annoyed by both when im not getting the affection I need. but it is more so the money spent, because I dont get the need to pay for something thats available for free ..

ProfesserPlum Thu 24-Sep-15 17:47:25

Ahhh, so it's the money!

thehypocritesoaf Thu 24-Sep-15 17:48:42

It's a good sign he's a loser.

A tosser even.

Justaboy Thu 24-Sep-15 18:54:16

Followyourart Well sorry if you found what i wrote disgusting wasn't intended to be. In fact where i grew up a large council housed working class estate in the 50's seemed as if most everyone's dad had their "collection" as it were. Why even worse when i were a lad i had a paper round and no we didn't deliver such as that but there was a steady stream of men coming into the newsagents to buy them, I even had to sell them;! Must have corrupted me! Never bought one in my life FWIW!.

thehypocritesoaf No!, its not a stock response at all it was mentioned as a part of what was upsetting the OP and all i was trying to do was to indicate that sometimes this might be a relatively or normal or harmless thing BUT it in this case it is causing hurt to the OP and she mentioned it.

However this is just a side show and a symptom of the deeper malaise here there are obviously other things that are causing this and they need to be ascertained and addressed. Also the OP is offended as to why he should he be paying for it rather than getting it for free and that's a causing further grief and exacerbating the original problem as it is showing he is removing his affections further from her.

Please do not think I'm advocating porn in any way its as you say something that happens like most anything else that happens except this did feature prominently in the OP's original compliant!.

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