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How did you find out they were cheating?

(165 Posts)
Frecklesandspecs Wed 23-Sep-15 17:33:30

How, why and when?!

Me and H have had problems for quite a while and are on the verge of separating. (I want to, he doesn't)
Anyway he's always been a bit of a workaholic, often strolls in 10pm, never before 7. I'd just kind of got used to it until I ealised a few months ago he was going out at 5.30am. 6.30 am I can kind of Imagine e would be sensible but 5.30am just seems way too early and coming back at the time he does.
He walks to the station (20 mins roughly) and gets train into London (approx. 45 mins at most I think)
This happens every day pretty much. I know his job can have long hours and this has been hard to deal with but this just seems a bit nutty?!
I really am starting to wonder here.

Tearsoffrustration Wed 23-Sep-15 17:39:01

Facebook- he became friends with her the day after he didn't come home from a night out - they worked together at the time.

MirandaWest Wed 23-Sep-15 17:40:53

I found a lacy hold up on the clothes horse. I don't wear hold ups.

Frecklesandspecs Wed 23-Sep-15 17:42:19

Did you see any signs or different behaviour towards yourselves?

TobleroneBoo Wed 23-Sep-15 17:42:54

Someone took the time to set up a fake Facebook account and messaged me telling me, never did find out who...

PisforPeter Wed 23-Sep-15 17:43:42

I wouldn't say there was anything definitively suspicious about that. How is your relationship generally??

Wankarella Wed 23-Sep-15 17:44:02

His friend told me, but he had stopped coming to bed at the same time and was spending a lot of time with his phone.

MushroomMama Wed 23-Sep-15 17:44:03

I caught them at it on a friends bed at a house party. Unpleasant to say the least. Oh and exp got caught at it and it was blabbed within our friendship group.

horrayforharoldlloyd Wed 23-Sep-15 17:47:51

I saw his Internet history - it showed that he was a fully paying member of 3 different affair websites and had bwen actively hoolong up through out our emitre relationship. My youngest was 12 weeks old at the time. He then became physically abusive when confronted. Tosser.

horrayforharoldlloyd Wed 23-Sep-15 17:48:35

Damn fat fingers. Hooking up.

betrayedandwobbly Wed 23-Sep-15 17:48:49

I had no idea whatsoever, until OW's DH overheard (part of) a phone call between them, and had the guts to tell me.

I'd trusted him totally up to that point, but with the benefit of hindsight, the long and erratic working hours (in part genuine) were an ideal cover.

99percentchocolate Wed 23-Sep-15 17:52:55

My XP caught a severe case of mentionitis, followed by being glued to his phone (to the point that he slept with it under his phone). Read his messages and found out he'd been having an affair with the friend of mine who had been helping me deal with the rocky patch we were going through. Nice. He denied until I found out that he had actually introduced her to members of his family. We were engaged at the time. I had such a lucky escape.

99percentchocolate Wed 23-Sep-15 17:53:49

*under his pillow

rockabillyruby82 Wed 23-Sep-15 18:00:59

Lots of little things that on their own were nothing. Unknown hair on clothes, found an eyeliner (not mine) down side of sofa, my very girly shower gel used and watered down to hide use, he would be take his phone to the toilet. I confronted him, he denied, I ended it. A week later pictures of him were on Facebook out for a meal with another woman (oddly with same hair I found!), Facebook status changed and a couple more weeks later she was pregnant.

ThighsofThunder Wed 23-Sep-15 18:18:20

Yes, he was different with me. Seemed on edge all the time, like he was nervous. He wasn't angry or aggressive just highly strung. Constantly guarding his phone, but always had a good excuse. Once he left his phone downstairs when he had gone up to get changed. The text tone went and he veritably flew downstairs to get it, with a forced chuckle about his mate who really needed his help. Having been cheated on before I saw right through it and went through it. He'd met some girl online and they'd been sexting.

I'm not sure how I'd feel in your situation. Probably suspicious but not enough to confront him. Is there more to this or is this the reason you want to separate?

brokenhearted55a Wed 23-Sep-15 18:22:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissMarianHalcombe Wed 23-Sep-15 18:26:28

I had a phone call from ExDHs work mate asking to speak to him, when they were supposed to be at a conference together. ExDH's mobile phone bill had arrived so opened it. There was a repeating number I didn't know. We had a bedroom set up as an office and checked in there and he'd left photographs in a unlocked drawer of the staff Christmas party which didn't leave a lot to the imagination shall we say. In hindsight I believe he meant me to find them. He also wasn't away with work obviously

MaisieDotes Wed 23-Sep-15 18:27:33

His step-mum told me.

Although the phone-to-toilet business should have been a warning sign before then. I was just really, really oblivious.

Babylon5isabigpileofshit Wed 23-Sep-15 18:31:34

He was nice to me, told me he loved me on a daily basis. He'd been wine tasting (with her as it turns out). Ordered a case which was delivered and on the delivery note it said 'paid with X (name)'. Needless to say I drank the whole (expensive) case within a week !

TheDowagerCuntess Wed 23-Sep-15 18:32:33

What kind of relationship do you have, when he's gone at 5:30 and home at 10?

There's not even enough time there to exchange a few words and catch up, either in the morning or evening. You must be growing further and further apart. Don't get me wrong - we both work full time and DH travels too, so I know what's it like. But this sounds excessive. Does he have to work those hours?

Do you have DC?

Frecklesandspecs Wed 23-Sep-15 18:49:07

Ty, our relationship is pretty much over in my eyes, hence why looking at separating. DCs and I hardly see him and when we do he is not the kindest of people. I won't go into that here.
Dowager, he doesn't have to at all, he gets a monthly salary and I don't think he is paid overtime. He choses to as far as I am aware.
I think this is a big problem but when he is home it's usually criticisms and put downs anyway so actually easier when he is at work!
We have 3 young children who rarely see him all week but his work seems to always take centre stage. I know he loves his work but was wondering if there is more to this.

Enoughalreadyyou Wed 23-Sep-15 18:57:08

DH was workaholic in early days with little ones. Later on checked laptop history with local massage parlour rubbish. Checked phone and bank accounts. It had gone on for over ten years. He was always on edge. Good job had life of my own. He sounds a selfish tosser as well. Do a check on him but keep quiet while you do if you want to find out. Good luck.

Frecklesandspecs Wed 23-Sep-15 19:06:39

Enough, I don't know any of his passwords to phone or pc so have no way to check really? I've tried looking for bank account also but can't find any paper ones. (we don't share accounts).
What else can/should I check?
He bought a whole bunch of expensive new shirts a few weeks ago and aftershave but I've not read much into that.
He doesn't hide washing or anything like that though.

chelle792 Wed 23-Sep-15 19:13:53

Ex became very ill, rushed him to a&e at about 10pm. At 6am (after brain scans, spinal fluid test, mri scans, ct scans - basically everything) I went on his phone to contact his work. Discovered the text messages then. Held it together a while because he was practically dying and a&e didn't know what was wrong.
I didn't have a clue he was seeing someone else although we had been having problems and were having counselling. He had been spending more time with 'friends' but that was supposed to be part of giving each other space hmm

Frecklesandspecs Wed 23-Sep-15 19:19:08

Thighs, actually, no this is not the reason I want to separate. I've never really thought about it this way tbh but I guess I'm just trying to see all angles. Had problems for quite a while. He's just quite emotionally draining, silent treatment, very critical... Can't be pleased ect. (in short!)

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