(Warning: this is long, sorry.)
Hi, I just wondered if anyone had heard of this? It's recognised in America but less so in Britain, but I believe that it is an epidemic and there is a conspiracy of silence that perpetuates it.
My dear friend is heartbroken after her son moved out to live with his father a year ago or so. She is still struggling to come to terms with it, but the worst part is that her ex seems hell bent on turning the son against her and will stop at nothing to hurt her. He is embittered ever since she ended the marriage well over a decade ago.
She didn't cheat, steal from him or neglect him - she was in love with him and was a great wife - all she did wrong was divorce him after many years of being abused.
He cheated on her and was emotionally abusive - he is a misogynist and a bully - she was and is still terrified of him and even his own mother is afraid of him. She finally left after he slapped her and pushed her, fearful of worse to come.
Her son was only small at the time. The sad thing was that she thought she was getting out of the marriage for a better life for herself and her boy. But the ex continued to abuse her by sending nasty texts and making access handovers deeply unpleasant - he once spat in her face without any provocation whatsoever - my friend is too terrified to antagonise him.
He didn't even want to see his son much when he was small, only taking an interest as the boy got older.
I have known my friend 35 years and she a moral, decent, hard-working and wonderful person who adores her son and has only ever done her best for him. She's never bad-mouthed her ex in front of her son and never stopped him seeing his dad - indeed she encouraged it - because she wanted what was best for him.
The injustice is heartbreaking.
Her ex didn't even want her to have the child in the first place. He had his own business which was failing but refused to give it up, so she worked full time and paid the mortgage and all the bills.
When she had their son his abuse of her got worse and even though he'd stopped running his business he refused to get a job, so she carried on working to pay the bills. To this day he blames her for his business failing and reckons she "cost him thousands", which is laughable, as she was the one paying for everything. He is delusional.
I have been witness to all of this over the years.
As the boy got older and spent more time with his dad, things got worse. In the last year or two before he left, he was very disrespectful towards her. She knew what was coming and sadly her worst fears were realised when her son told her, aged 15, that he was moving out to live with his dad.
The tales he is being spun are incredible and he is having poison dripped into his ears by the ex. The way her ex has framed it, he was such a devoted father - up all night with the baby, feeding him, changing nappies - when the fact is he didn't do any of that. The fantasy he's woven is such that he virtually gave birth! He just lies and lies and lies.
He's harassed my friend via the CSA, alleging that she was refusing to pay child support, when the reality was that he wouldn't set up a bank account for her to pay the money into because he "didn't want her having access to his accounts".
She pays him nearly £300 a month, yet when she sees her son there are holes in his jumpers and his trousers are too short.
Her ex badmouths her and tars her character at every opportunity. Her son now cancels their arrangements regularly and has now resorted to telling her that he will only see her if "the rules are followed". He wants to park his "expensive" bike in her newly decorated hallway, when there is a perfectly good garage he can put the bike in, but refuses to.
She's caved in over the bike issue but it still isn't good enough.
Now her son has sent her a text saying she needs counselling and that he is not a child anymore and can make his own decisions. He's 16. He treats his mother abominably but she is still there for him, telling him she loves him and waiting patiently for him to see the light and be the lovely son again that he once was. What else can she do?
The father is also at war with his employers - he is the union rep and is currently off long-term sick with an imaginary work-induced "injury". The reality is that he is idle and resents having to work for a living. A rebel without a cause.
My friend is on the phone to me most days upset.
She wonders if she made a mistake ending the marriage, or if she should have moved far away with her son from her ex, or goes back over everything she's said and done wondering if she's a bad mother.
I try to support her as best I can but feel helpless and wondered if there is anyone out there who has any good advice to offer. She can't afford legal advice, unfortunately.
Sorry this is long. I just wanted to get my thoughts out. I seriously think this issue needs bringing out into the open - there should be a huge media campaign about it because, from what I am hearing from other people, it is endemic.
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Relationships
Parental Alienation Syndrome: a horror story
stargirl04 · 21/09/2015 13:21
The origin of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is very controversial and refers to Richard Gardner's explanation as to why mothers tried to prevent their children from having access to their fathers (parents now being separated). He coined the term and labelled the mothers as deliberately sabotaging the relationship. What he failed to mention was that in these cases the fathers concerned were child abusers and the mothers had very good reason to prevent access.
All that said, children are very, very vulnerable to emotional manipulation from their parents, particularly from the parent that they feel less secure with and feel a desperate need to impress/win over (so that they can feel more loved and secure). That's not a syndrome. That's basic psychology.
Sadly, parents of both genders can be absolute shits when it comes to their children. None more so than the sort of parent who abused their child's other parent.
Given that domestic abuse features in 75% of cases of child abuse, I would say that this alone shows that parental access to children where domestic abuse has been a feature should necessarily involve supervision. In some cases, it should be stopped altogether. Research is showing more and more that inconsistent and abusive parenting from a non-resident parent is more damaging than no contact at all.
I don't subscribe to this idea of never saying anything negative about the X. All protecting children from the reality of their other parent's behaviour really does is set them up for a fall when they learn (usually traumatically) about the real nature of their other parent. Instead it is better to manage expectations as neutrally as possible, providing an objective, age-appropriate explanation. There is nothing wrong in saying "I left your father/mother because he/she was abusive to me and I was very unhappy." You can stick to the facts and still find good points to praise (e.g. an ex's ability at maths, fixing things, entertaining etc) so that your child does not feel ashamed by the other half of their parental heritage.
I feel for your friend. She may lose her son for good. However, he may also see the light and come back to her at some point, and that's all she can hope for. 
Thanks for these helpful and extremely informative replies.
I think sadly, because the boy is 16, there isn't much that can be done by way of the courts.
Twinklestein, I think it would help my friend just to talk to people who understand - would WA be prepared to do that, even though she is not being directly abused by her ex anymore?
My friend still attempts to see her son as often as possible but the son will see her sometimes and not at others - six or seven weeks can pass sometimes.
Poundingthestreets: I hadn't realised the origins or backstory behind PAS
so thanks for this.
My friend, however, has found it helpful to read about - I guess it is some small comfort for her as she struggles through this.
I can't believe that a decision she made at 18 - to pick this guy - is making her life hell 30 years later.
I hope you're not right about her losing her soon for good. Although in truth, maybe she lost him a long time ago.
Thanks once again.
That's brilliant thanks Matrix - I've posted my pal the link.
Twinkle, just a quick post to say a really big thanks for posting these support resources - I will pass them all on to her.
I think she feels isolated and that she can't talk to anyone about it but me and reading about Parental Alienation/Syndrome was a huge help to her.
I think she just needs to know she's not alone and that others are going through it. This will help her, I think.
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