Friends Partner

[BoredAdminGirl]

This is a long one and probably more of a rant than anything else.

My very good friend (will call her Liz) was seeing someone about 2 years ago and had an emotional affair with someone else who we will call Jane. She ended her relationship and started seeing Jane who is a student. Liz is 28 and Jane is 21.

I have never been a fan of Jane as she has previously been aggressive to Liz, blocking her from leaving her house, pushing her around and being verbally aggressive. She has also confessed to sleeping with someone behind her back because Liz went camping with her ex partner - seperate tents and part of a group of mutual friends. Liz forgave Jane for the infidelity.

Jane moved out of her student house and into Liz's house where she does not pay any rent, does not pay for food and does not pay for holidays. Jane claims to have ADHD, and blames her aggression on this and the fact she lost her dad at a young age.

All that aside, we (me and my partner) went on Holiday over the weekend and decided to invite Liz and Jane. Was only a small holiday home, wanted a relaxing weekend.

Jane was constantly bored, making snide remarks about how we must be tired due to the heavy nights we have been having. Jane constantly speaks in a baby voice and comments on everything we do;

"Having a little pizza are you?"
"Having a little munch are you"?
"You had chips AND ice cream? Thats a lot of food isnt it"?

She tells her girlfriend she needs to diet, what she can and can't eat. Has made her come off her anti depressants as it is slowing down her sex drive.

Jane is a an absolute c*nt and I really want to tell Liz how much Jane's commenting on what we eat has pissed off my DP who is paranoid about her weight anyway.

Trouble is, Liz always sides with her girlfriend Jane when problems arise. Jane is a rude bully and I think after this weekend I am gonna have to go NC.

Liz used to be so full of life and happy, now she is miserable all of the time and seems a little depressed. Shall I keep my nose out of it and just be there should anything go wrong, or actively try and get Liz to see that Jane is no good for her?

[RiceCrispieTreats]

Shall I keep my nose out of it and just be there should anything go wrong, or actively try and get Liz to see that Jane is no good for her?

I wouldn't recommend either of those options: I don't think you'll be happy saying nothing, but also, you cannot "get" another person to see something they don't want to see.

So I would recommend option C: tell Liz once and only once your concerns for her, and then drop it and be there for her when it all goes pear-shaped.

But don't frame it as "Jane is abusive and bad for you", rather "Liz, you seem so miserable when you seemed so happy and full of life before, and I am concerned for you. What is making you so unhappy?"

Also, it's not to Liz that you should complain about Jane's statements re: food. It's to Jane. Ideally immediately when she does it.