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Update on tactless MIL

(48 Posts)
tindel Sat 19-Sep-15 14:00:50

I posted a few weeks ago about how to deal with MIL who is blunt to the point of rudeness. I was preparing to talk more to DH about it when I developed preeclampsia and DS was born at 35 by emcs, so it all became slightly less important for a while.

DS is now 3 weeks old and there have been a few developments. As he was almost 6lbs, MIL kept saying she was so pleased he was born early as he would have been too big for me if he'd gone full term. DS spent his first 24 hours in an incubator and his first few days with a feeding tube, which was really upsetting and I will forever be haunted by sitting next to his incubator at 4am while he held my finger and I cried telling him I was so sorry I couldn't hold onto him longer, so he didn't have to go through that.

The next time we saw ILs, she said it again and I shut her down, explaining how much I disagreed with that and I didn't want it said again. That ended the conversation and DH backed me up.

A few days later, DH called them what we had decided to call DS. MIL's reaction was that she'd never heard of that name before and were we sure? Gave the impression she didn't like it, confirmed when she texted DH an hour later saying that it would be shortened to X and would we be ok with that?

I guessed she would react that way, DH and I were happy with our choice and I thought that was the end of it.

Just popped over to see ILs this morning and it all went quite pleasantly when just as we were about to leave, MIL felt the need to tell us she didn't like DS's name, it didn't go with his surname etc. She started asking about middle names, second choices etc. I just smiled, said we liked it and that was his name.

Came home and DH was really upset. Turns out he'd been really hurt by the phone call and had been putting off seeing her because of the reaction and was really offended by her having another dig at the name. We talked about how we could tackle it and he has driven back over to confront her about it and make it clear we won't tolerate these kinds of comments.

I am so proud of him (if sad he is so upset by it) and it was thanks to the advice I got here that I could support him to tackle this behaviour head on, which is not how he likes to do things.

Just waiting for him to come back now, but wanted to say thanks for all of the helpful advice I got here. Hoping we will put a stop to it all now.

DarkRosaleen Sat 19-Sep-15 14:08:40

Good on your DH, Tindel. It takes a big pinch of brave to stand up to a bully, a verbal bully especially.
If you both make a stand your Mil will realise she had better think things through before shooting off from her mouth.

ShebaShimmyShake Sat 19-Sep-15 14:30:21

Good for you and for your husband, it can't be easy for him to break this kind of conditioning but he's doing it.

calzone Sat 19-Sep-15 14:32:45

Well done to your Dh.

Now tell us the name! And congratulations!

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 19-Sep-15 14:33:04

Oh well done your DH, hope it has an effect and she does think before she puts the boot in again - sorry that he's been upset but if that's what it took, then hopefully it will have long term benefits.

Congratulations on your baby! thanks

Waltermittythesequel Sat 19-Sep-15 14:35:41

I'm assuming there's a massive back story because his reaction sounds a bit OTT to me.

My mum hated ds's name but I didn't give a shit and she got over it. She gave loads of alternatives first though!

Congratulations on the arrival! smile

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 19-Sep-15 15:18:28

Congratulations to you on the birth of your DS flowers.

I do not think this will be the last of it unfortunately.

If his mother keeps on getting in snide comments then neither of you should see her at all. Bad behaviour from her should not be rewarded in any way (I note he has gone back over to see her which is probably what she wanted all along). I give him credit for continuing to stand up for himself and by turn his own family unit; some men completely buckle under their toxic mother's conditioning of them and simply crumble in her presence.

Both of you have got to maintain and strengthen your existing boundaries with his mother. You as this child's parents always have the final say; if she does not like it then tough. Also I would not put it past her at some point to make some comment on weight either re either yourself or your son. She's already had a pop at you re his name.

It is not your fault she is like this and neither you or your DH has made her this way (her own family of origin have done that to her).

Did you read the Susan Forward book btw?.

BertrandRussell Sat 19-Sep-15 15:24:07

There are ways to deal with in laws which do not involve going completely no contact, you know.

tindel Sat 19-Sep-15 15:35:32

DH is back - MIL tried to justify it by saying FIL agreed with her (he looked baffled by this), so she thought we "had a right to know". When DH said it had really hurt his feelings, MIL claimed she'd had flack from family over his name (FIL looked baffled again, asked who, MIL got a bit vague).

DH then also referred to the fact she made similar comments about her other DGS's name. She claimed having only said something once when he was born (he's now 6) was now used to it (complete lie, she told me several times while I was pregnant how much she didn't like it).

Upshot is, we've said that is the end of it, his name is decided (Jonas) and it won't be mentioned again. I agree that she will almost certainly do it again, if not this, then something else, but we will just stamp on it again as soon as it's said, rather than waiting. Not sure NC will ever happen, but DH did say to MIL that he didn't want to see her if she was going to be unpleasant.

Attila, didn't have a chance to track down the book, have had my hands full recently grin

clam Sat 19-Sep-15 15:43:06

What a fab name! I love it.
Congratulations. flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 19-Sep-15 15:49:21

Shame your FIL doesn't actually voice his bafflement instead of just looking it, if he said something, she might actually stop!

Glad your DH has had this chat with her though. Hopefully boundary lines will be kept now.

mrschatty Sat 19-Sep-15 15:53:45

Fab name. Til mil to keep her beak firmly closed and firmly out!!! Congratulations flowers

calzone Sat 19-Sep-15 15:57:28

Oh, I love that name!

Bravo DH!!!!

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 19-Sep-15 16:08:23

FIL sounds downtrodden as well but on the other hand is perhaps someone who is acting out self preservation and wanting a quiet life. If he had said something his wife would certainly have moaned at him once their son had left.

Narp Sat 19-Sep-15 16:10:22

Lovely name

Sounds like you are both handling this well.

glenthebattleostrich Sat 19-Sep-15 16:17:30

That name was on our list for a boy. I love it.

Keep a united front and don't let her get away with a single comment at the minute, if she's anything like my mother she'll build on it and push and push until she pushes to far again.

PHANTOMnamechanger Sat 19-Sep-15 16:18:19

Congratulations on your lovely new baby, Jonas is a lovey name.

You are right to not let MIL get away with this blatant rudeness/attempt to control. You can forgive, or ignore and move on but I think it needs tackline - with some folk if you give an inch they will take a mile. She needs to learn boundaries NOW, or she risks permanently damaging her relatonship with her DS and DGS.

Lunastarfish Sat 19-Sep-15 16:18:38

Glad your DH is supporting you.

My Mil hates my dd name too (she has used that word). Apparently it's not a real name (it is!), it's poncey, she's embarrassed to tell her friends the name & we cannot use it because we are not from the country it originated from. It was very dull listening to this over and over again - it took 6 weeks for her to zip it

PHANTOMnamechanger Sat 19-Sep-15 16:20:15

tackling, that should be

Indole Sat 19-Sep-15 16:20:44

That is a fantastic name and your DH did brilliantly. Well done to both of you!

DinosaursRoar Sat 19-Sep-15 16:22:11

Well done your DH! He's probably lived his whole life being taught his mum has a right to be a bitch to people as she's "just being honest" and it must have been very hard to call her on it.

And she's completely wrong, Jonas is a lovely name although she might have a point if your surname is Jones wink

poocatcherchampion Sat 19-Sep-15 16:22:32

What on earth might you shorten Jonas to?

Lovely name?

poocatcherchampion Sat 19-Sep-15 16:22:49

! Even smile

DinosaursRoar Sat 19-Sep-15 16:26:28

Poo - bet they are goign to say Jon. I predict rather than pronoucing it "Joan-as" as many people would, they'll start by saying "John-as", then move to John/Jon. (I have met "renaming by stealth" grandparents, OP, get your birth announcements out yourself, or extended family might be told "it's Jonas, but they'll call him Jon.")

MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff Sat 19-Sep-15 16:32:04

Congratulations on the birth of Jonas. Well done to you and your DH for giving a clear message and keeping your dignity flowers

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