Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Sex-less marriage - want to kiss someone else....

(46 Posts)
geordiegeorgie Fri 18-Sep-15 19:07:44

My DH and I have been together 9 years. 9 years of next-to-no sex. But it's been okay because he's a really nice person and we get on really well...and you can't have everything. I know sex isn't that important compared to being with a good man who treats you well. But recently it has been really getting me down. It makes me feel unattractive. There's a whole part of me he doesn't know, ie what I like sexually, what I would like us to try etc etc. We have sex about once every 2 or so months but I always initiate it. What have spoken about it lots and he says he fancies me, does want sex, etc etc... But nothing happens. I have suggested couples sex therapy to help us but he's not interested. It's selfish I know when he's such a nice person, but I'm really struggling with it!
Anyway, part 2... I have never cheated on him, not even come close. But, I am currently really tempted which I know is awful. I know that a situation could arise where we could kiss, and I really want to.. He is really not my type, we are totally incompatible so I know there is no chance of an affair or anything like that, but I really, really find him physically attractive, and his flirtiness makes me feel happy and more confident. I know it's an awful thing to think, and I don't expect anyone to reply with anything other than "don't be a bitch", but I had to get it off my chest. Can't talk to my friends about it.

pocketsaviour Fri 18-Sep-15 19:09:32

General definition of "sexless" marriage/relationship is less than once a year, so if you're getting it every two months then it's not sexless - just horribly infrequent and confidence-lowering.

Do you have DC? Was his sex drive always this low? Would you consider an open marriage, since he's not interested in sex?

geordiegeorgie Fri 18-Sep-15 19:14:31

Sorry, yes sex-less was the wrong word. Yes we have two children which is why we are still together. We have always had little/bad sex but I stupidly thought it would improve. So I have no excuse. It has always been like this and I knew that before I married him so have no right to complain. I drunkenly suggested an open marriage once and he said no. I also suggested a threesome once to spice it up and he was appalled :-(

QuiteLikely5 Fri 18-Sep-15 19:32:16

Sadly this is why infidelity occurs. People aren't getting their needs met and they feel conflicted in doing what's right for their children and meeting their own needs. I'd say you're a star going with the bare minimum for 9 years.

I'm against cheating but by god what the hell does he expect you to do?

If he truly loved and respected you he would indeed take heed of your needs in that department and address his own problems.

Bless I can't imagine what it's like to be so starved of affection that you are considering a kiss with someone you don't even like that much.

Happytuesdays99 Fri 18-Sep-15 19:35:03

Some experts have defined a sexless marriage as less than 10 times a year and you would fall into that category. It was reported that 20% of couples fall into this category so you are not alone either.

Whilst you have manged it so far, temptation has finally come your way and I can see why you may be tempted. Temptation can also come your way of you are having sex 5 times a week and often does so it is no necessarily directly related either.

It is a shame that your DH won't see anybody with you to address this problem or agree to an open relationship. He basically is the issue but won't do anything about leaving the choice with you! It is hard to split a family up when the father of your children is a decent man deep down but this situation is not going to magically get better so you have a choice of staying put and accepting it, staying put and finding a compromise (ie having another discussion about opening up your marriage) or leaving and finding someone your are sexually compatible with.

Having a fling may give you short term joy but it could lead to long term pain. It always starts with just a kiss....

throwingpebbles Fri 18-Sep-15 19:50:39

I would try some couples therapy on this issue if everything else was good I think, and see if things improved

Ex h was like this. I left in the end for different reasons (he had an awful temper). A year later I met someone new and he loves sex and I have realised it was t wrong of me to have felt it was a big problem t be only having sex a few times a year.

Before I got married to my ex the vicar gave us a talk, saying "sex is a barometer in a relationship, if it isn't happening you need to start talking". I winced when he said it as I had already tried lots of times t get ex h to talk about why we hardly ever had sex. But it felt to late to back out. I wish I had (except I can't regret my babies!).

geordiegeorgie Fri 18-Sep-15 20:07:25

Thank you so much... all really helpful advice.. it's nice to know I am not the only one who has felt like this. This is a horrible thing to say, but I kind of wish he would just cheat on me and leave, then the decision is out of my hands.

throwingpebbles Fri 18-Sep-15 22:13:09

I wished that for ages with my ex, it's not an awful thing to say but see it as a sign that is telling you things aren't right at all

IMurderedStampyLongnose Fri 18-Sep-15 22:37:18

You aren't the only one OP, i'm in practically the same position.Who knows what to do?Cheat or die slowly inside,or wreck your children's lives.sad

Babylon5isabigpileofshit Fri 18-Sep-15 22:49:41

I've read several of these threads and feel I need to share my experience. OP I could be your husband, except I am the female of the relationship. I have been with my partner for around 15 years, 2 children. The sex dwindled to nearly nothing, around once a month. I just fell into a rut and ended up disengaging from my relationship without even realising. Upshot is my partner has had 2 affairs, the first undiscovered until the current 2nd was unearthed, which went on for 6 months. In a way I can't blame him for seeking love and affection elsewhere. For many reasons, I checked out. But the terrible thing is that he took the choice out of my hands by having an affair. He unilaterally made the decision to fuck someone else without giving me a choice. That is devastating. He said he tried to talk to me but I didn't engage. He didn't shout loud enough. The fact is that you have to scream and shout at your partner until he takes notice. Tell him you will up sticks and leave if he doesn't confront the problem with you. Make him talk. But don't have an affair behind his back. That is just cruel. We are now trying to salvage what we had, it's like a thunderbolt has hit me and I now 'get it'. Our sex life has improved beyone recognition and I realise how unemotional I was. But I'm afraid it wasn't the right way to do it. So please talk to your husband and keep talking until he listens.

shutupanddance Fri 18-Sep-15 22:51:19

Op you are friends nit partners

throwingpebbles Sat 19-Sep-15 08:09:27

That's a helpful insight Babylon.
I hope you can work things out.

gamerchick Sat 19-Sep-15 08:14:26

Don't cheat OP. It's time for a long conversation with your husband.

Tell him what you've told us and that things can't go on the way they have.

kittybiscuits Sat 19-Sep-15 08:18:46

I don't think you do have to shout. You have said it and said it but he doesn't care how you feel or isn't taking any notice. I think you are trying to be a 'good person' and 'do the right thing'. I have been in your shoes. It was soul destroying for 20 years. Sex is very important. You are not shallow. If you have an affair you will take the blame for the whole thing. Could this be your wake up call to deal with the situation and be clear that it's time for action or it's time to end it?

geordiegeorgie Sat 19-Sep-15 14:13:39

Thank you. Very insightful and useful to have different perspectives. I don't want to have an affair, and I wouldn't. It's just this overwhelming urge to kiss this person! I will make sure we go to the couples therapy and see how we get on..

theredjellybean Sat 19-Sep-15 14:29:10

oh Geordie and Imurdered....I was in the same position which then became a celibrate marriage..for 5 years, i had an affair...something i am deeply ashamed of on one hand but also still justify in my head as i did talk...again and my exh. He like yours just said umm, ahhh...i do want sex...and then nothing happened, he wouldnt see a gp or a councellor and so i fell into the arms of someone else.
upshott is is never going to be enough, because unless your are some kind of emotionally shut off person you start to have feelings for the perosn who finds you attractive...and not surprisingly they develop feelings for you. You start off thinking 'this is ok, i can have two people in my life each meeting differing needs i have...husband as best friend/co-parent and lover for sex' but it just does not work.
You start to see that person who finds you physically attractive also finds you attractive in other ways, you develop bonds, attachments, make memories together and then you want 'normal' with them.
I can never ever under estimate the pain invovled for ALL if you have an affair and what is rarely acknowledged is the pain the affairees go through becuase society sees you as the bad guys.
If you think your self confidence and esteem is knocked by your partners behaviour imagine being utterly in love with someone who is also utterly in love with you and you have amazing evening out, great conversation, fun, finished off with great sex....and then they get up and leave you to go home to their wife . That is devastating.
In my case it became unbearable. My AP and i stopped the affair and went home to work on our marriages, for our children and 6 months later we met again, both independently leaving our marriage and now we have been together 5 years .
MY children now say they knew both me and ex were unhappy and we are so much nicer now ....and we never rowed or critised each other , but kids could see.

interestingly my exh is now with a man !

sminkypinky Sat 19-Sep-15 18:57:07

I'm in a similar position to you OP. I started a thread about the lack of sex in my marriage back in July and have discussed it with my DH since then (and numerous times before then) he assures me he finds me attractive and that he does want sex etc, but nothing has happened. It has been 7 months now since we last DTD and I'm really not sure what to do, he is also not very receptive to the idea of counselling. I've started to feel like I'm in the wrong for wanting sex and like I'm almost forcing him to do something, so I've backed off and don't mention it all now. I'm really not sure what to do next, I don't want to end the marriage, but I also don't want to live for the next 40+ years in celibacy. Sorry, I know this doesn't help you, but you definitely aren't alone.

geordiegeorgie Sat 19-Sep-15 19:11:24

Wow jellybean, that's really interesting to hear... I guess I can't have it both ways... so you're with the affair guy now?

Sminky what do u think u will do?

sminkypinky Sat 19-Sep-15 19:23:39

I honestly don't know, my self esteem has taken a huge battering with all of this, so the thought of meeting someone else terrifies me, plus, I do still love my husband so don't really want to meet someone else, also we have a small child to think about so I couldn't make a clean break even if I wanted to.
I had some advice on my thread about working on myself so I'm starting to to go out and get fit like I was before my pregnancy and am looking at signing up for some courses. Hopefully if I can get my self esteem and confidence back it will help, even if it means being confident enough to say enough is enough and leave.

theredjellybean Tue 22-Sep-15 13:13:41

smile....yes am with affair guy now...he would probably laugh at being called that !

We have been together 5 yrs, including 6 months of affair and 6 months apart and he is utterly the love of my life...I can honestly say that i loved my exh and i still do but nothing like the way i love dp.

I was worried that i loved DP or thought i did because an affair can be very exciting, and you are both on best behaviour..i wondered if i was in love with the idea of being in love . he also worried that normal would be dull and boring and it wouldn't be the same. He is right it isn't the same but it is better. We still fancy each other like mad, we make each other very happy, i am content and secure , i never doubt him, which is surprising as someone once said 'if they marry the mistress they create a vacancy' .

I guess i was lucky .

Terrifiedandregretful Tue 22-Sep-15 16:54:29

I am in a similar situation although I have been worse than you and kissed other people, although not for several years now. Dp and I have talked about splitting up but we have such a great relationship outside of the sex... It is completely eating me up inside not knowing what to do. Sorry no advice but a lot of empathy. I found I got into a pattern of kissing someone else then feeling so much better that I was then happy to stay with dp. (Not a healthy dynamic I know). Now I have no sexual contact with anyone and it is hard, but thought of splitting up is worse. Hence my username! Sorry not at all helpful.

geordiegeorgie Tue 22-Sep-15 21:09:39

It is very helpful just to hear I'm not the only one in this situation. I'm surprised not to have been overwhelmed with a barrage of "don't be so selfish" comments...
Will be around potential "other man" tomorrow, so will keep my distance...

Ladyconstance Wed 23-Sep-15 09:12:42

OP, until very recently I was in your shoes. I struggled with the dilemma of a lovely husband without any sexual intimacy. He'd been extremely satisfying sexually at the start of our relationship but for the past few years didn't bat an eyelid at me throwing myself at him! I was sad at the loss of our closeness, but put a brave face on and squashed all sexual desire in myself. I found myself getting drawn to certain men very similar to my husband. But I didn't ever want to compromise my values by cheating. In my case, very carefully and after a long time, my DH and I touched on open marriage. He doesn't want to go to counselling or sex therapy. Neither of us want to split up. Opening the marriage is the least worst option for us. It's not black and white, I can tell you. It's very grey, and the most I can do is to keep asking myself and my husband are we still ok with this. For now, it works as a mutually agreed thing. And yes, I'm very ok with how things are going. It's not for everyone, I see that. I mention it here because to deny yourself of what you essentially need (physical intimacy and expressing your love and care to another person sexually) is very hard in the long term. Im just saying there are other ways out there that are unchartered waters where you might find fulfilment.

QuickNameChanger Wed 23-Sep-15 09:28:57

I'm another one. We haven't had sex for about 5 years now, and had dwindled to 'we really ought to' roughly once a year before I gave up! But I can't leave. He's a lovely bloke who absolutely has my back, I feel very safe with him. The children adore him and we have a good life together. He says exactly the same as all the other DHs on this thread - I do fancy you, I do want sex. But nothing happens. And the last few times we tried it was just beyond awful - he was so nervous and clearly going through the motions, so I just decided I couldn't see the point any more.

POSSIBLE TRIGGER ALERT: But it's complex. I do tend to blame him. But I know that I flinch if he moves to cuddle me, and I spent most of our early sexual experiences pissed. I was abused as a child and perhaps its understandable that having been only valued sexually as a child/teenager I am now in a sexless (but not loveless) marriage.

I do fantasise about an affair a lot, but can't compartmentalise so make myself feel vaguely better by telling myself that one day we'll sort it out hmm

sminkypinky Wed 23-Sep-15 09:44:27

Reading everyone else's experiences is making me realise, it isn't going to get any better is it? I think I've to some extent been kidding myself that it will.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: