Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
How would you react to this?(269 Posts)
OH showed me a message he received today from one of his close friends. They have known each other slightly longer than I've known him, and we all see each other every now and then.
She is DD's godmother. Before I got together with OH, he had a crush on her, but never acted on it. We got together shortly afterwards and he didn't speak to her for a long time as she moved away. She has recently split from her boyfriend and moved back to the area, and so we are seeing her more often.
OH has received a message from her apologising if she acted weird over the weekend and yesterday (he went to do a hobby with his family, which she also does - I stayed at home with DD), but she admitted in the message that she is in love with him, and has been for a long time. She said she would never want anything to happen now, as she described our family as "awesome" and said that we work together, but she admitted that she thinks about what would have happened if they'd gotten together, and she had to tell him that she loves him and regrets not acting on it sooner. She said OH didn't have to keep it a secret from me, and was happy for me to see the message.
My initial reaction was to shrug it off - fair play it must have taken some balls for her to write that, and if she was happy for me to see it, she can't be expecting anything to happen between them. It's only as the day has gone on that I've wondered if maybe I should be more bothered by it, but I can't figure out why. I don't know if it's because I feel like I don't understand why she had sent it now after all this time, just when we've started seeing more of her. I don't know how to feel, basically, and I'm wondering if you would react like me and just shrug it off, or whether you'd feel odd about it?
Sorry it's a ramble.
I'd feel odd. If she's having those feelings she needs to back right off. If she cares at all for your DH she wouldn't put his family at risk
I would be pretty hacked off actually. It's a potentially pretty destructive thing to say.
What on earth does she hope to achieve by telling your h this?
The only thing I can think it will generate is an if only mentality.
Does she want him to respond and tell her that he feels the same way or at least did do before he met you.
H may then well start to wonder if there is a future with her instead of with you.
I think she sounds like bad news. Harmless if your h is a loyal, faithful, honest and trustworthy man.
Even trustworthy, good etc people can get their heads turned imo.
I'd be fuming iiwy. Exactly why did she want to splatter all her stuff over your marriage??
Was she drunk when she sent it? That's the only justification I can think of for this emotionally incontinent trouble making.
I'd cut her right off iiwy.
How would I react ?
Well, his friendship with her would end forthwith, as would the "hobby"
It's always some mysterious "hobby" that throws these inappropriate women at these overly receptive men, isn't it ? How odd.
I would also be asking some very probing questions of him but you seem to have fully absolved him of any responsibility for her massive boundary- crossing. I don't believe any sane person writes a message like that without any encouragement at all.
You have a problem, I am afraid.
Can't imagine what she was hoping for by sending that, other than to make him think what might have been.
She is way over the line IMO.
Sounds like she's shit stirring hoping to cause problems. Your oh needs to stay away from her.
I just can't imagine what she possibly hoped to achieve by sending it. That's the thing that would bug me.
Why did she feel he (and you!) needed to know that?
It's really selfish behaviour.
Neither of you will feel comfortable in her company again.
This is a direct hit to get between you and your DH.
What I'd do is send a short response from you both. Dear whatserface, thanks for letting us know about this, sounds difficult for you. Obviously, further contact with you will no longer be possible. Best of luck finding something else to focus on.
Then hobby goes, FB and any other connection.
She was hoping he wouldn't show you, but he did. She was hoping if he did show you, that it would cause trouble between you and dh. But it hasn't. She is probably hoping she has put some thoughts in his head. Let's hope she hasn't.
I agree with everyone else - there can be no possible reason for her to send a message such as that except because she harbours some hope that it will provoke a change in the way your partner views her, thinks about the possibility of 'what could have been' and sees her in a different, more available light. It would be almost impossible for him not to think of her differently in light of her revelation, and she must surely be aware that one doesn't simply tell someone something like this and then carry on as though nothing has happened.
I would drop her like a hot stone - if she had half the respect for your relationship that she claims to, then she would have kept this to herself and pined away in silence until she either got over it or found a way to deal with it.
She has done an incredibly selfish thing OP. I think you are right to think a bit deeper about this than your original reaction. You have to ask why she has done this. I absolutely do not believe that she does not want him to act on this as otherwise she would have kept it all to herself would she not? I see this as a passive aggressive act and it's pretty appalling and destructive as you are never going to feel the same way about her surely and your DH will be expected to avoid her
hopefully choosing to avoid her himself .Does she normally do impulsive and crazy stuff? It could just be for attention but it's still awfully bad behaviour.
What does your OH say about this? What 'weird' behaviour is she referring to?
Awful woman. Disgraceful and selfish. I'd cut contact.
She and I would be meeting for coffee.
To have a little chat.
What FantasticButtocks said.
(LOLs at myself as I write 'what fantastic buttocks')
If I were you (but of course I am not) I would contact her. She, as your child's Godmother, should be an ally of your marriage. Clearly by sending this message to your DH, she is definitely not.
My message would state simply that by putting her feelings about your DH to you both you feel that it would be better if you kept a clear distance between her and your family. Re the hobby, ask her if she is willing to step away or your DH will have to. Your friendship is now over and you feel it best for all concerned if you have no further contact.
I would ask her to question herself as to her motive behind this declaration. What impact did she think it would have on her Goddaughter's parents relationship?
I can't think of any good or noble reason why you would declare your love for a married person. Even if your feelings are causing you the deepest of agonies which you somehow feel will be relieved by revealing them, YOU DO NOT DECLARE YOUR LOVE FOR A MARRIED PERSON!!
FantasticButtocks' reply is good. It's a shame for your DD to lose a godmother, but no good will come of staying in touch. Even if your DH doesn't believe her intentions are bad, he could understand that she needs to move on and let go, and this won't happen if she stays in contact with him.
I think she is just really hurting and her judgement is off because she's in love. She should know better of course and I can't help wondering what she would have done if your OH had felt the same. For all your sakes, I think you and OH should gently explain that you're both stepping back to allow her to move on.
YY FantasticButtocks has the right response imo.
I'm also a bit at the fact your OH told you he had a crush on her but didn't act on it years ago. If that's common knowledge in your circle then her contacting him now to say she would be up for it is at least shit-stirring if not a direct overture to him.
I'd also be spitting at her condescension about 'you're such a nice family, she wouldn't act on it'. So if she deemed your family unit 'not awesome enough' would that be a green light to try to split you up?
This didn't take 'balls' on her part. It took an incredible degree of selfishness and a heck of a lot of disrespect towards both you and your OH.
In fact she would act on it. She just has.
I would be fucking fuming. She's basically making a play for him; the desired response would have been of course for him to not show you the message and text back "OMG!! I feel the same way it's tru luv, let's bang each other until we get caught"
Points to him for showing you the message (and her "I don't mind" was of course a bluff.)
I'd text the bitch and tell her to fuck off to the far side etc and DH will be finding a new group/venue to practise his hobby.
I would be upset by the text, but pleased that your husband showed you. It shows that he values you.
I would definitely stop dh doing his hobby, or make him go,to another group.
Has dh explained what happened over the weekend? It sounds like she came on a bit strong, but dh didn't't indulge her. Then she felt guilty, hence the apology.
she could have apologised for her weird behaviour without mentioning she was in love. That is definitely overstepping the mark, and makes me think that she wants more to happen. It definitely needs nipping in the bud, now.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.