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Hi, I am new on here and looking for advice and honesty.
I have a "friend" who I have so called benefits with. Nothing physical but he wants it to be. So far it has just been over texts/conversation. What unerves me is that as our conversations have increased his behaviour in relation to sex has turned derogatory. Now I am a strong women/feminist some would say but am sad/ashamed that I have some how lowered myself in engaging in such behaviour. I am very guarded when it comes to men and don't let many men in this manner in my life and he did not start off like this and I would never tolerate this normally but for a while I find this hard to admit but have negative thoughts about myself about not being good enough and self loathe really and have been using food and painkillers to numb the thougths and feelings. My so called friend uses words like calling me a slut, cheap, his sex toy, I need to be used and abused, the word force has been thrown in their from him on odd occasions. My mind tells me that I want to tell him to go f&** himself but my body has become immune to it. When we are having "normal" conversations he is normal. I am not sure if this is all linked with the fact that I was sexually abused as a teenager (he is not aware of this) I have come to terms with this experience many years ago though it haunts me time to time and I just can't help but feel this is what I deserve.
I feel quite helpless and would appreciate any advice (please don't judge me)
A friend with benefits is someone with whom you can enjoy all the fun of dating and sex in a no strings relationship and that's a far cry from what you've described.
Where did you meet this 'friend'? Did you hook up with him online and when you say that so far 'it has just been over texts/conversations' are you saying that you haven't met him in rl?
No he is a friend that I have known for 4 yrs. He made it clear from day dot that he liked me but nothing really developed however for the past year and a half the above has happened potentially it is what he says to me during the sexting that makes me feel used and cheap and I am aware now that is damaging me more than pleasuring me so to speak. What would you do in my situation would you carry on?
I think for your own mental health you need to step away.
There are some people who get off on being degraded like this. I feel like if you were one of them you wouldn't be posting on an anonymous forum asking what to do.
Fwiw I've been in a similar situation and it is confusing and not nice. But sex is supposed to be fun and you're worth more than succumbing to someone else's desires at the expense of your own
Thank you. I guess I am looking for sincere reassurance. I have told myself time after time to stay away yet for some reason I end up in the circle and end up degrading myself more because of his comments and feel like utter gutter however underneath all this I like to think I am a positive person and hopefully within time I can move on from him and the situation. I just need to find myself again and tell myself that I deserve more than the experience I am going through.
he did not start off like this
If he had, would you have continued the relationship ? I hope not.
In your situation I would remove this person from your life, 100%. It's likely to cause you harm if you pursue it. Don't keep on out of habit,or addiction, or whatever else is drawing you back to something which you feel is lowering you, or is something you would not normally tolerate. Be strong: and block him out.
If you think you deserve this you might consider looking for a therapist's help.
No I would not have continued. I was better in myself 4 years ago etc and I would have the confidence to say no and tell him what I thought of him but situations change and I am in a situation which I never thought I would be in. You are right I am going to try and be strong and block him out. I know I don't feel it at the moment but he does not deserve me or my time.
Thanks for your advice.
The only way to stop this destructive cycle of verbal abuse is to go cold turkey by blocking him from your phone/email/social media and avoid going to any places where he might be.
If you ask your GP for a referral for an assesment to establish what type of therapy will best address your negative self-image and low self-esteem it could be months before you start receiving treatment.
In the meantime I suggest you give consideration to doing the Freedom Programme online and keep posting here for support through the early days of withdrawal from what's become an addiction to dirty talk/sexting 'crack' as distinct from the Irish 'craic'. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php
You'd be surprised at how many ostensibly strong and capable women are conflicted by self-loathing and find it necessary to cast out the demons within that have been created by less than wholesome early encounters with the opposite sex.
Your mantra is 'I can and I will rebalance myself and become all that I can be'. You'll get there and it will be a lot easier than you think to rid yourself of non-productive thoughts and habits such as comfort/binge eating and heavy consumption of over the counter meds.
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