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New Man Blues

(27 Posts)
cherryteat Tue 15-Sep-15 20:24:12

Hi I am nearly two years divorced. For the past six months I've had an on/off relationship with someone I really like. We have great rapport and sex is brilliant. He's kind, loving, funny but the flip side is that although he has his own business hes a bit of a flake and buries his head in the sand when it comes to debt and other serious stuff. His family are well to do and regulalry bail him out when the shit hits.
When I met him he was renting a huge house that he can't afford, his housemte had left him in the lurch and the agents had out the house on the market. He was living way beyond his means and as I didn't know him that well I presumed he would just find another place and deal with the problem in an adult way.
This didn't happen,he miserably opened his house to potential buyers whilst whinging to me that he was upset having strangers looking around his house. Every now and then he seemed to be pulling his finger out and looking at properties but it was shortlived.
During this time he admitted to a lot of debt, valid reasons, ill health and self employed so lost income, housemate did a runner, left unpaid bills and it appears he never got his act together.
Parents bailed him out once a few months ago then the house was sold so they jumped in again with a deposit and months rent for a new place.
Sale fell through so the urgency lessened so he has used parents money to pay some debts and has eased off looking for a new home despite the fact that his contract ends soon.
Sorry I have gone right off on one detailing his situation...
If you're still reading, I just don't know where to go with this. We have a great connection on many levels but his lifestyle and attitude to money and housing is like that of a twenty something rather than a man in his 40s. He has a real Peter Pan thing going on which in many ways makes him cute and fun to be around but he also exasperate me.
I'm a middle aged single Mum, I feel as though I've invested a fair bit of time in this and I also feel a bit like I have inherited a third child...he would. Do anything for me and swears he's getting his shit together but I see no evidence of it. Am I being too controlling? Should I mind my own business? I would have liked to have just had lots of fun, dates, sex etc but he has confided in me and I find it hard not to take this stuff on and worry about it.
Thanks for perservering with this!

operaha Tue 15-Sep-15 21:42:12

I've been in a sort of similar situation with dp but unfortunately I didn't find out about the debt until after we moved in together. anyway we've, well he's worked through loads of his shit, he moved out and we're hoping one day it'll all be like it should have been.
My advice is unless you can see that he really is sorting his shit out, then run. Mine has been to debt management things, counselling, sorting his ex house out, etc etc.
I'm Not there yet with him but I can see the light maybe there in another year.
Your story rang a bell. I'd say gut instinct, I've followed mine the whole way through but the difference with my dp is that he's trying to change and making clear efforts that are very visible - stuff he wanted to do years ago but didn't know how.
I feel for you!

Zebraface Tue 15-Sep-15 21:46:22

Sorry,but I would want to see some evidence of getting his shit together.

I would walk away...he needs to take some responsibility for life at his age. Depression?

cherryteat Tue 15-Sep-15 21:56:56

Thanks for your reply operaha

I'm glad that your dp is making the necessary changes, do you think he'll see it through? It must have been gutting for you to find out after you'd alreasy made the commitment.

I am fortunate in that Peter Pan (PP) told me about his issues early on in the courtship...I should have ran then but the physical attraction was strong (I hadn't had sex for a while and he's super cute). Apart from his permanent adolescence he's every I would have looked for in a man. I love his job, it's the job I would have done if life had been different, I love his face, and body plus the many things we have in common. We're the same age and I have only ever been with much older men, it's a novelty to find someone with the Same reference points as me as well as someone who is equally matched in terms of sex drive. We enjoy the same hobbies and I love how creative he is as well as very practical. He can make and mend anything and is thoughtful, funny and imaginative. On the flip side he is sometimes very naive and considering his expensive education He sometimes comes across as not knowing very much at all. I jokingly ask him whether he's been living in a cave all his adult life.

My gut is completely split on this, he has so many positives but for me this is a huge negative. He says he has been consulting debt management programmes and has set up some repayment plans through them. He says 'oh I was living the batchelor lifestyle so long that I just ignored it and carried on spending but now I've woken Up and want to change' etc

Having spoken to friends there seems to be a split too, some would despair of his liaises faire attitude whereas others think I'm projecting too much.
I have been precariously housed myself and have two small children.
I also have ill health and not much of a support network. In so many ways he is a Godsend , he is practical and a brilliant help around the house, garden,diy, heavy lifting and all that jazz but in other ways he seems like a disaster waiting to happen.

cherryteat Tue 15-Sep-15 22:02:31

zebraface yes there has been some depression and he seems to have some anxiety although I can't work out if this is his reason o excuse for not having taken more assertive action. I think that his illness and fleecing by so called friend did knock him for six but those things happened before I met him and I do get the feeling he has been doing a bit of wallowing for some time.
I would like to see more evidence too, but not sure if demanding this puts me in the role of a controlling parent rather than the person he's having sex and fun with? At six months It kind of is crunch time for me, despite the strong attraction, if I start to despair of him Nd disrespect him the attraction will wane.
The other 'problem' is that it's my birthday in a few weeks, he's booked somewhere for us to go away and stay for a weekend, I'd feel bad cancelling but at the same time I'd feel odd accepting his gift and weekend when I am anxious about whether or not he's worth my efforts.

operaha Wed 16-Sep-15 06:34:55

At least he's been honest about it all. I'd have stayed with mine if he had told me (though sorry to say actually in the grand scheme think you're going through more,Mine isn't a Peter pan, in fact very grown up as had to raise his children alone etc) which makes him even more frustrating.
I'm not saying it's ok, but at least you know what you're getting in to. If you're going to stay, just don't combine your lives any further... That said, how long are you prepared to wait?

Whoknewitcouldbeso Wed 16-Sep-15 06:44:01

It all depends on whether you are hoping for things to continue as they are or you are envisaging a future with this man where you move in together and share bills etc

If you can keep all your shit separate I see no problem. If however he one day thinks the solution will be moving in with you then I think very quickly you will be paying his way for him and mothering him whilst he lays on the couch like a teenager.

Adults who are constantly bailed out financially by their parents never have to grow up. They have a safety net there that ensures any bad decisions never have consequences. His parents have done him a huge disservice.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 16-Sep-15 06:52:40

Seriously? Look up codependency and do some reading. You have ignored a billion red flags. What do you expect to happen? He will magically grow up and become a mature adult? If it hasn't happened by the mid 40s I think you can safely say this is who he is. Don't inflict him on your children please!

Lweji Wed 16-Sep-15 07:00:53

It's not an immaturity problem.
This is how he is. Irresponsible.
You should walk away now. Soon you'll be bailing him.

SanityClause Wed 16-Sep-15 07:17:23

It depends on what you want out of this.

If you want fun, sex and dates, then it sounds like you are on to a winner.

If you are looking for a partnership, then he is not the one.

I know someone who is now nearly 60, who spends the money when he has it, and sponges off his MIL when he doesn't. He has consulted debt management programmes, etc, etc for as long as I have known him. He is always just on the cusp of turning it all around... until the next disaster strikes.

Your boyfriend won't grow up. He's in his 40s. This is how he is.

Cherryteat Wed 16-Sep-15 07:45:17

Thanks guys, yes I know you're right, your only articulating all the things I say to myself and I do believe that I have codependent tendencies. I would never bail him out though as I have worked too hard for what I have with my children.

I would not even consider joining up our 'assets' (!) I guess that's whats brought me here, it seems a timely point to stop and assess whether it's worth continuing.

He swears he's doing x,y and z to improve things. I'm thinking I'm better off not seeing him until those things are done.
I'm not prepare to wait much longer, it gets boring.

I know it sounds petty but what about the trip he's already planned for us?

Weirdly my best and oldest friend is just the same, constant debts and struggle then a last minute parental handout.
I've always done it on my own and have seen this with so many families bailing their adult kids out I've started thinking I was the odd one out and they are the norm.

Whoknewitcouldbeso Wed 16-Sep-15 08:44:26

Why can you not just carry on with the status quo? He isn't asking you for money, you don't want to have him as your life partner and share assets, do what's the problem with just dating and screwing?

Cherryteat Wed 16-Sep-15 16:26:08

whoknew I did try to keep it that way but he would stress about his situation and being the codependant type and prone to anxiety I can't help but be bothered by it.
Also the more time we spend dating and screwing the stronger the bonds become and I guess I want to work out whether there is a future with him, I don't particularly want a casual relationship for ever but at the same time am not happy to just settle for someone who is flakey.

Lweji Wed 16-Sep-15 18:39:48

I would never bail him out though
but he has confided in me and I find it hard not to take this stuff on and worry about it.
being the codependant type and prone to anxiety I can't help but be bothered by it

Read all that together and what do you get?
I'm going to have an educated guess and suggest that given the above it won't be long until he is freeloading in your home if you don't dump him.
It will probably start with a few days and become forever till you forcefully kick him out.

Don't get sacked in.

Lweji Wed 16-Sep-15 18:40:35

Or sucked. It might work better. smile

Investmentspaidout Wed 16-Sep-15 18:46:58

Ignore the sex and cuteness and he has zero going for him.

I would find someone so infantile a huge turn off regardless of their looks.

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna Wed 16-Sep-15 19:45:12

I think I must be a cold hearted cow, I'd have run for the hills loooong ago. What is this guy bringing to the table?

When considering a partner I always ask myself "how is he going to enrich my life?".

I might be a single mom, but I'm not in debt, I'm solvent, I'm ambitious, I'm not looking for anyone to help me with my bills/mortgage or buy me clothes, dinners, holidays, or be a daddy to my kids, BUT I am looking for someone who has got the basics covered i.e. they are solvent, they have their shit together, they are in employment, positive etc. etc. etc. I don't need nor want the stress of a man child in mine or my children's lives. My advice = RUN

Cherryteat Wed 16-Sep-15 20:17:04

Seriously he will not be staying here, I have never let him stay yet because of the children and it will not happen. I too am solvent and stand alone (apart from tax credits) I have worked hard for what I have and am adamant that I will not be bailing him out at any time.

Funny enough he informs me that he has been viewing properties today. I have asked him not to contact me again until I can see that he has made some significant changes.

Regarding what he brings to the table: I wrote a post further up detailing the positives, it's not just sex and the cuteness factor, there are lots of things we have in common, we laugh a lot together and lots he does for me practically. I am not in great health and he's brilliant with all the stuff I struggle with. He is very skilled at his job which comes in very handy for me around the house.
He would, and does, do anything for anybody so although he doesn't have his own act together he will happily spend time and effort ensuring other people are ok. I sometimes think he uses this altruism as an avoidance technique so that he doesn't have to deal with his own stuff.

I see some good stuff in him and so do many others it's just that his immaturity clouds it a lot. I wish I was the type to just ignore his other stuff , I don't want a cocklodger and I won't be having one, me and the kids are just fine here ourselves.

fabulousfanny Wed 16-Sep-15 20:44:35

I used to be with someone just like this. For three years, he went from disaster to disaster, couldnt pay his rent, mortgage on his ex-wife & kids house went unpaid, didnt open credit card statements. etc. etc. You know what, he alwats had time and mobey fir a pint with the lads but couldnt buy me a meal in 3 years. He's still drifting from minimum wage job to minimum wage job, ignoring it all. Men in their 40's like that dont suddenly change sadly.

fabulousfanny Wed 16-Sep-15 20:45:24

money for a pint

SpineyCrevice Wed 16-Sep-15 22:05:45

His bad points are an awful large part of who he is OP.

beaglesaresweet Wed 16-Sep-15 22:43:19

well he's good at DIY and creative, to the posters who says he's no good at anything. I think, OP, if you can hold him at a distance it'd be fine, but if you have to get involved mentally and emotionally, than be very careful as you will be bailing him out at least by housing him.

cozietoesie Wed 16-Sep-15 22:49:20

...He says 'oh I was living the batchelor lifestyle so long that I just ignored it and carried on spending but now I've woken Up and want to change' etc...

That 'want' is a filler word. What has he actually done ?

PoundingTheStreets Wed 16-Sep-15 23:41:55

Personally, I'd run a mile.

louisejones1982 Sun 25-Oct-15 22:49:52

"We're the same age and I have only ever been with much older men" ??you forgot about Ray F.!......seriously though you'b be better off with a gun toting ex hells angel jailbird than staying with this guy, he's sounds like he's gome from hero to zero, girlfriend....ditch this man child

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