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My head is frazzled, am I being abused or just silly?

(245 Posts)
perfecthouse Tue 15-Sep-15 13:42:10

This is how it is: I don't work at the moment due to illness, I am trying to find a job, I worked right from leaving school but i'm a little limited's just a bit more difficult, not impossible. My partner works. We both have our own homes, we don't live together but he is here much of the time. I have never asked him for anything towards my bills...why would I? It's my home my responsibility. I buy the shopping every week, I cook all his meals. He "borrows" money from me often and then doesn't want to give it back...saying well he takes me shopping and that costs petrol. He also "reminds" me of anything he's bought me in the past (birthday and Christmas gifts).

When he comes back from work the house has to be spotless (difficult with two kids, and a dog who sheds everywhere, brings muddy footprints in and is a complete maniac jumping up the walls and dirtying them. But I try my best. In fact, I spend most of every day cleaning and he still finds fault.

When he comes in, he demands a hot drink and parks himself on the sofa, if i'm tired from cleaning all day he's funny with me, if i'm not, he's funny with me...I haven't done enough. If I've taken any time for myself, he's funny with me because i'm lazy. I'm not allowed time for myself when he's here...i'm not giving him enough attention. I'm not allowed to read a book, use the internet. If I do, I don't love him anymore. He controls the tv, sometimes he'll say "put what you want on" but then he'll huff and puff and make it very obvious he's bored. When he isn't at work he wakes up, I cook breakfast, he goes to sleep on the sofa and does nothing all day, while I run around for him. He deserves it, because he's exhausted apparently.

He constantly whinges that I show him no affection anymore, don't cuddle up to him on the can I when i'm squashed up in the corner with his legs on I cant move? Some nights i'm so uncomfortable I go and sit on the floor but he takes that as a personal insult too. He doesn't give a flying fart that I have back problems.

His moods are changeable, sometimes he's "perfect partner", sometimes he's "passive aggressive" and sometimes he's downright bloody nasty, will flip at the slightest thing. Example: the other day he called me up when he was in the bath. I went up, he started shouting at me saying I had more sleep than him (not true), I walked out of the bathroom (didn't want to argue) and I was getting changed into my pyjamas when he runs into the bedroom naked. I was putting my clothes away, he shouted "MOVE". I didn't move straight away, it was probably less than 30 seconds to put my clothes in the draw. He picked me up and pushed me over, saying I was "fucking horrible".

I'm so sick of his moods, sick of treading on eggshells, he's never hit me but he's done some awful things. I don't deserve it, I think i'm a good partner. I wash his clothes, I make his meals, I make his lunch for work, I bail him out when he has no money, I do everything he asks. Where am I going wrong?

Cabrinha Tue 15-Sep-15 13:44:18

Where you're going wrong, is keeping him.

He's never hit you? That's a basic. He has pushed you over though!!!

What stops you just ending it now? He's horrible to you.

cunchofbunts Tue 15-Sep-15 13:45:26

I'm afraid it's very simple. He's an abusive cocklodger. LTB, you deserve better.

worldgonecrazy Tue 15-Sep-15 13:47:38

The only thing you are doing wrong is putting up with this type of behaviour. You don't need a man to make you a complete person. Dump him. I suspect a week or so after dumping him, you will also start to feel a little bit better in yourself too, and the symptoms of your illness will become less acute.

Good luck, I hope you find your inner strength and can move on from this horrible bully.

Pixiemixie Tue 15-Sep-15 13:48:13


MorrisZapp Tue 15-Sep-15 13:49:02

He bollocks you for not keeping your own home clean enough? While his sits empty?

What possible reason could you have to inflict this scrote on yourself, your kids and your dog? I don't get it.

Balonder Tue 15-Sep-15 13:49:59

You know you are not being silly. He sounds like a nightmare and the fact that he has never hit you does not mean he is not an abusive bastard. I hope you find the strength to get rid of him

fuzzywuzzy Tue 15-Sep-15 13:50:23

I know I'll get flamed for this prolly.

OP visit CAB, find out what you would get in benefits of you were single.

Ensure you have no joint debts and he's repaid any money he owes you to date (last not essential but you won't get any money after you LTB).

Then tell him to leave. If you're afraid of his reaction have a friend around, at least tell friends you'll be doing this so they know to check you're ok.

You do not need to be this cocklodgers skivvy. I've never known a decent person to bring up past kindnesses in return for being asked to pay back a loan.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 15-Sep-15 13:51:52

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

He is an abusive cocklodger and you now need to stop enabling him by keeping him. He treats you in return like a skivvy who deserves to be barked at and shoved.

You and he also need to be apart as of now, this is not working and you are being emotionally abused by him. He's also pushed you over, yet another reason not to see him any longer.

Abusive men also do nice/nasty very well but its a continuous cycle.

I would also suggest that you look at Womens Aid Freedom Programme and do this when you can (this can be done online also); abusive men like this can take a long time to recover from.

TwmSionCati Tue 15-Sep-15 13:54:31

Please start making a plan to get him out. We can help you. You dont need this shit in your life, or in your house.

LovelyFriend Tue 15-Sep-15 13:54:36

Seriously don't waste another breath on him.
Don't try to "talk it though" he doesn't want to hear anything you might have to say.

Ghosting was invented for people like this man. Change your locks, block and delete him. Never look back.

Just think he can be gone from your life by teatime!

Twunk Tue 15-Sep-15 13:56:30

You don't need him! It sounds like your life will be so much easier without him. Gosh just imagine not worrying about what he might do or say next! Please just tell him it's over. Good luck.

MorrisZapp Tue 15-Sep-15 13:57:26

No plan needed.



perfecthouse Tue 15-Sep-15 13:57:38

I know I don't need a man, I was on my own a lone parent for many years and it didn't really bother me if i'm honest. I just don't really have a clue what's acceptable in a relationship and what isn't because I've never seen it. I'm not even sure what's head is telling me it isn't right to be frightened of someone you love, when you dread them coming home because you KNOW there will be something wrong.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 15-Sep-15 13:58:48

OMG - I couldn't even finish the OP due to the amount of abuse you are putting up with and that's just the first couple of paragraphs.
You have no idea regarding boundaries and abuse and you need to get some in place and fast.
Please please call Womens Aid. I can't imagine what your upbringing was like to think that any of this is in any way OK.
Get some advice from them.
Also sign up to do their Freedom Programme. You really need to be able to spot red flags far earlier.

Just read back your OP.
Just imagine this is one of your DC telling you this is how they are being treated.
What do you do? You get them out and you do it quick.

This is appalling behaviour from him.
It's your house and you can have it as messy or dirty as you please.
Get him out of your lives. Imagine the example he is setting your DC for their future relationships.
A lesson you probably learned from your upbringing.
Don't allow the cycle to continue.
Show your DC that you are a strong woman and no-one has to put up with being treated like crap.

Pack his stuff up.
Leave it outside and tell him to collect it and to never contact you again.
Of course he will because he's losing his ticket to his easy life where he is waited on hand and foot and everything is paid for.
Ignore and block on all social medial and on your phone.
Seriously. Do NOT have him in your life for one moment more!

I feel extremely sorry for your DC. Don't do this to them. They come first NOT some scumbag of an abusive arsehole of a man. I use the term MAN very loosely here!

I'm so sick of his moods, sick of treading on eggshells, he's never hit me but he's done some awful things. I don't deserve it, I think i'm a good partner. I wash his clothes, I make his meals, I make his lunch for work, I bail him out when he has no money, I do everything he asks. Where am I going wrong?
STOP IT!! Stop doing all this stuff to please a feeble little man. This is the year 2015 not 1950!
Find your back bone and find your self respect and tell him to fuck off.

IamlovedbyG Tue 15-Sep-15 13:58:49

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MorrisZapp Tue 15-Sep-15 14:00:13

Would you treat anybody the way he treats you? If not, why not?

willconcern Tue 15-Sep-15 14:01:54

Dump him. And fast.

lauraa4 Tue 15-Sep-15 14:03:49

What an absolute wanker he sounds! He would have tipped me over the edge by now!

Where you've gone wrong is allowing him to treat you like a slave. He is emotionally abusing you OP and he will only get worse.

InimitableJeeves Tue 15-Sep-15 14:04:01

For goodness sake, how can you possibly love a man like this?

Phone a locksmith NOW, get the locks changed, pack up his stuff and tell him he's dumped. Your life will improve immeasurably literally overnight.

willconcern Tue 15-Sep-15 14:05:17

Hellsbellsmelons has it spot on.

lynniep Tue 15-Sep-15 14:05:45

Its very clear that you need to get shot of him. He doesn't even live with you but he treats you like a slave in your own home? Dump anything of his on the street. Change the locks. Listen to people with useful advice on here (I know its never as simple when you're living it)

Believe in yourself. You are worth more than being treated like this. I know it won't feel like it, but you are in a better position than some. You aren't married. You have your own home. You will be able to breathe again when he is gone. Best of luck xxx

LovelyFriend Tue 15-Sep-15 14:06:08

Seriously OP you can call a locksmith NOW and have the locks changed.
Then send it a text "it's over and I don't want any further communication with you" and you will be free.

Have you got any RL friends who know what is going on?

Do you know what a cocklodger is?

None of what you write is in any way "normal relationship behaviour" unless your partner is an utter utter cunt set out to control and intimidate you so your life revolves around his needs and wants.

Keeptrudging Tue 15-Sep-15 14:08:36

Think how very lucky you are that you don't properly live together and it is as simple as pps have said. Dump/change locks/breathe a big sigh of relief/start enjoying your own home again. None of what you've posted is an acceptable way for him to treat you - he's not a nice person.

perfecthouse Tue 15-Sep-15 14:09:11

Oh he's done worse, he's spat in my face, he's threatened to have my kids taken off me, he's got in my house and taken pictures of me asleep put wine bottles from the recycling in front of me. My best friend knows what he's done but I don't have any proof.

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