Feeling unloved...

[bananamilkshake1]

I'm feeling pretty unloved right now and am starting to really struggle.

There are a couple of strands to this - sorry, it's a bit long.

One - is my relationship with my partner. We've been together for 6.5 years now. We see each other mainly at weekends and for holidays although there is some contact during the week. We don't live together and although there has been some mention of this as a possibility further down the line, nothing ever happens or gets planned. We both have our own homes about 10 mins apart from each other with it always being me who goes to his house on a weekend and never the other way around. It's always been a bit of a challenging relationship and I know I have put my needs further down the list in trying to keep him happy.

DP has Aspergers and although I'm very tolerant to the point of being a doormat - I feel that I'm not getting what I need from the relationship. Currently, he barely looks at me let alone gives any physical affection. If I ask for a cuddle, he provides a half-hearted one in sufferance before i get pushed away. We aren't having sex - partly due to my major cancer surgery back in April - now it's just a massive elephant which neither of us is talking about. I feel he doesn't fancy me anymore - if I ask him direct questions about this he's non committal - and when I tried (post op) to get our sex life back on track there was no foreplay from him, no touching, no kissing, just penetration which stopped because he said things "felt different". Having had cancer and (amongst other things) a hysterectomy - I'm feeling like half a woman at the moment & the lack of any kind of affection is making me feel very upset and unwanted.

He never wants to "talk" saying he doesn't want the "stress" at the end of a busy week - so his need for "less stress" always trumps my need to talk.

I've tried to initiate discussions about a future together and he doesn't pass comment, but then conversely earlier on in the year he made me sole beneficiary of his pension etc should anything happen to him. Yesterday, he came round to try to fix something for me & brought his tyre pressure machine to put air in my tyres. How can he be thoughtful over these things, but barely talk to me? Are our languages of love that different? I don't even know whether he loves me if I'm honest.

The second issue is my (non) relationship with my mother. Due to my illness and subsequent ongoing health challenges I haven't behaved in the way she expected me to. I wanted to deal with my illness quietly rather than all drama with her coming down to support me. This, together with my saying I wouldn't be able to go on a planned long haul trip with her has ended in a breakdown in our relationship (from her side) with her sending me an incredibly cruel poison pen letter. I sent her a thoughtful response suggesting me met up and life's too short etc & it was sent back to me unopened.

So, I'm very wobbly over my relationship with my DP and sad about my mother's cruelty. I'm sitting here at work writing this, feeling tears well up.

I just don't know what to do - I feel like there's little point to anything at the moment...

[category12]

Oh dear. Hugs.

[category12]

Sorry, not very helpful.

I don't know much about aspergers but I suppose your dp's behaviour is to do with this? Has it always been like this or has he changed towards you?

If it's you that has changed and now you need something different from a partner , maybe you would be better calling it a day. Endings and change can bring good things. Do you have any access to counselling or support? If you're struggling, perhaps you could see your gp?

I hope things look better for you soon.

[springydaffs]

Dear God

My dear, you are feeling unloved bcs you are not loved. I don't know about your partner and his aspergers but, really, you barely have even crumbs. He rejected you sexually after major cancer surgery? Unbelievable

The root of this, the reason your expectations are unbearably low, is very probably your revolting mother. Love, you have to get away from poisonous people like this. Breaking news: your cancer wasn't about her. Not only has she not respected you and your needs but she has attacked you viciously at a very vulnerable time in your life.

As it happens, I am also going through cancer treatment at the moment and also have a revolting family, very similar to your mother, same vile stuff, all about them. I have cut off most of my family but couldn't bring myself to cut off my vulnerable (ancient) mum - unfortunately she comes as a package with my hideous father. Just been shouted at on the worst day of my treatment so far (it takes a certain type to shout at a bald, wobbly chemo patient) and I have told my mum it's time to say goodbye. I simply can't take this a moment longer.

Same for you. Darling, ditch these horrid people. Being alone is ime a real joy. Time for you now. This is your life, you deserve to be loved

[Vixxfacee]

He sounds awful. I am sorry but he doesn't sound like he cares and you seem grateful for the crumbs.

[antimatter]

I don't know if being Aspergers has anything to do with lack of intimacy. He was different at the beginning I bet.

So you just have to ask yourself which one is the real him - old or the current one.

I don't see my BF a lot because we both work but he never refused to give me a hug! (we've been together for over 2 years)

Please don't neglect your needs!
It's unnecessary to sacrifice yourself for anyone!

[springydaffs]

My dad did the shouting btw. My cancer isn't about him and he's not taking to it well - because EVERYTHING has to be about him.

Sorry, this isn't about me - just want you to know you're not alone with awful stuff like this. Poisonous families, basically. The fact you've accepted the truly appalling relationship you are currently in is a clear indication of what you have experienced in your family of origin.

Read up on toxic families op. Toxic parents, toxic mothers. You'll recognise a lot there. Read up about narcissism xx

[bananamilkshake1]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Springy - I'm so sorry to hear you're having cancer treatment and how awful for you having to put up with family drama and cruelty - you have my sympathy, it's truly horrible. I hope treatment and recovery goes well for you. I still l can't believe my own mother has behaved in such a way.. the person who is meant to love me unconditionally. I have posted on the Stately Homes thread about my relationship with my mother and have a couple of recommended books which I haven't quite had the courage to open yet...

Anyway, on to my relationship with my partner - I couldn't bear feeling so miserable so plucked up the courage and emailed him yesterday (shortly before lunch) to say we needed to talk. He literally called me straight back. I told him how I was feeling and that things had fundamentally changed between us. For the first time in our relationship, I said I wasn't getting what I needed. Pathetically I've been nervous about going there because in order to raise this issue I had to be at peace with a negative outcome.

Anyway, he said he was sorry I felt the way I did but that of course he cares - he's just not very good at expressing this. He acknowledged that my illness has had a devastating effect on our relationship - he didn't specify the sex, it was more about the activities we have enjoyed doing together which currently aren't possible. He's right about this as I feel exactly the same way. He was honest about the issues but said he really did want us to find a way through this and be happy again. We have a trip booked in a couple of weeks and so the objective is to try to reconnect. I was clear in that things need to change a lot otherwise I will walk away - this statement seemed to fill him with horror. So, we'll see.

Thinking about this full circle, Springy is right - most of my adult life I have put up & shut up - afraid to be on my own due to an almost crushing lack of self confidence. If you saw me at work you'd never guess (senior professional role). My childhood was rubbish, I was constantly told I wasn't good enough so clearly now only want to please. I married someone who controlled me and even when he finally left me for someone else - I begged him to reconsider, through my own fear.

I think finally, at nearly 50 years old, I might be somewhere near thinking I deserve a bit more actually.

Sorry this is so long - I just wanted to say thank you.

[springydaffs]

Wow, what a great post made me cry

So glad to hear you've faced some demons and set some boundaries - that's wonderful. These dreadful families have a lot to answer for eh

Be brave, open those books. It will be (unbearably) painful at times but it is a 'good' pain - clean pain, therapists call it - not the excruciating torture of being neglected and abused, not being loved.

Here's to your future my dear

[goddessofsmallthings]

We have a trip booked in a couple of weeks and so the objective is to try to reconnect. I was clear in that things need to change a lot otherwise I will walk away - this statement seemed to fill him with horror

Did you post a month or so ago about your dp's aversion to having sex with you following your op?

As I recall you went on a break with him earlier this year before which did not produce the outcome you hoped for and it seems to me that, before you embark on this trip, you're best advised to spell out to him that a major component of the change you're hoping for is that you expect to resume having penetrative sex with him.

If you don't put it to him in terms which cannot be misunderstood I can foresee you pussyfooting around the issue for years, while your self-esteem and body confidence continues to be eroded by what would seem to be his sexual rejection of you following the major reconstructive surgery you underwent as part of your treatment.

[Lovehandles]

Funny you should say that about the pension and help with fixing things etc. That reminds me of my dh, not diagnosed as Aspergers but I think is well on the spectrum. He can help with money, practical things but gets nowhere with emotional connections and support, physical affection and sex is difficult. I guess it is a language of love of sorts but maybe not enough for you? As for your Mum well that sounds awful and hard to believe she could behave like that after you were so ill.

So yes you deserve a bit more

[bananamilkshake1]

Thanks for the thoughtful and supportive messages. Goddess, it was me who posted a while ago, yes.

You're absolutely right in that I need to stop pussyfooting about. I know I am guilty of this given my fragility (amongst other things, immediate surgical menopause left me struggling for a while & I was feeling very blue). Happily, HRT does seem to be normalising things a bit so hoping that continues. I'm generally a positive person, but the cancer, the surgery, the menopause, my mum's behaviour & relationship worries have proved too much for me on occasion.

I have suggested to DP that we should be a little more formulaic about it in sofar that we need to come up with a plan - which I'll draft initially & he can add to. I know it probably sounds a bit odd, but I'm hoping as he does a lot of this for a living, I know he'll understand that on a practical level as he does struggle with the emotional level (always has).

Still no word from my mother which is making me sad and I know adding another dimension to the general loveless feeling. I need to open those books this weekend otherwise I'll never find my peace.

I'll update post trip.

Thanks again to you all.

[springydaffs]

Have a good time op

[pocketsaviour]

OP not much advice to give but at least it sounds like your talk was productive and it does sound like he loves you but doesn't show it in the way you'd expect.

Your mum is still awful. Please open those books